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"Daniel, are you done?" Sam squatted beside Daniel as he packed up his tools.
Rocking back on his heels, Daniel squinted up at Sam. "Yeah. There wasn't really much to do." He rubbed at his forehead. "You and Teal'c ready too?"
Sam nodded. "All the samples are packed. Ferretti said he wants to get back to the Stargate before the rain comes."
Daniel grabbed his pack. "I agree. I don't think SG-2 would appreciate another night like the last three."
"SG-2? What about SG-1?" Sam laughed. She walked beside Daniel, falling into step with him. "How is the colonel, Daniel? How is he really?"
Daniel sighed. "Janet was planning on taking off the cast yesterday. His back hasn't been giving him too much trouble, just a few twinges now and then." Aware of Sam's intense gaze, Daniel stopped, putting his hand on her arm. "I know what you're asking, Sam. I just don't have an answer for you."
"He might not be coming back. You know it and I know it." Sam studied the ground. "He seems dead inside Daniel, and I don't know how we can help him."
"I'm not giving up on him, Sam." Daniel grabbed her arm, letting go at her indrawn breath.
Sam gave a short, sharp nod and wiped at her eyes. "We'd better get moving, Daniel."
He watched her walk ahead of him fixing his eyes on her back. Sam was right. Jack did appear dead inside. Jack ate, Jack went to work, but Jack had closed his heart off to all of them.
The appointments Janet set up with a psychiatrist had been duly attended by Jack, although Daniel suspected Jack had managed to tell the doctor exactly what the doctor needed to hear. It wasn't as if they hadn't all been through their share of psych sessions.
Meanwhile, Daniel listened to Jack's nightmares, heard his frantic pleas for Kaie to get off the rocks, his apologies to a father who had lost his son. The words only came out at night in Jack's troubled sleep.
He hadn't pushed, thinking that Jack would talk about it in his own time, in his own way. It was stupid thinking, Daniel berated himself. Jack wasn't going to voluntarily talk about his guilt over Kaie's death the same way that he didn't voluntarily talk about his guilt over Charlie's death even though it was eating Jack alive.
He'd tried the caring, patient route and it wasn't working. Maybe it was time for some tough love. Daniel lengthened his stride and walked with renewed purpose. He wasn't giving up on Jack. Maybe Jack wouldn't be able to go through the Gate anymore. Maybe it was the final straw for him. But no matter what, Jack was going to feel alive.
"Doctor Jackson, will you stay a moment?" General Hammond motioned for Daniel to remain seated as the rest of SG-1 and SG-2 left the briefing room.
"Is there a problem, sir?" Daniel turned in his chair to study the general.
"Have you spoken to Colonel O'Neill since your return from your mission?" Hammond leaned forward.
Daniel frowned. "Should I have? Um, I mean, I didn't see Jack. I thought he wasn't on base." He studied General Hammond's face, looking for a clue to the questioning. "He isn't back in the infirmary is he? Did something happen? Something go wrong with his arm?"
"No, no, son." The general shook his head. "I just thought that perhaps he'd informed his team."
"Informed his team?" Daniel echoed. He stared at the piece of paper General Hammond slid towards him. "Resignation? Jack gave you his resignation?"
"Yesterday." General Hammond accepted the paper as Daniel passed it back to him. "I'm not putting it through yet, Doctor Jackson. I'm aware that Colonel O'Neill hasn't been himself since, well since the death of that boy on your last mission, but I want to be sure that this resignation is what Jack really wants."
"What Jack wants is…" Daniel stopped, realizing that Jack's pain wasn't his to share. "Sir, if I'm excused?" He gathered up his papers and waited.
General Hammond nodded his dismissal.
Needing to give himself time to cool down, Daniel walked to his office, filed his papers and finished the mission report he had started on the planet.
He knocked on Jack's office door a few minutes later, his briefcase in one hand, his jacket in the other.
A small smile spread across Jack's face as he looked up and discovered it was Daniel at the door. "Formality, Daniel?"
"Oh you know, time for changes." Daniel placed his briefcase on a chair and propped one hip on the edge of Jack's desk. "How's the arm? What did Janet say?"
"Doc and the orthopedist are happy with it," Jack held out his left arm. "Good as new." He didn't meet Daniel's eyes and studied the paperwork on his desk.
"That's a lot of paperwork, Jack. I guess you're trying to get it all straightened out before your resignation goes through." Daniel kept his voice low and even.
"How did you find out?" Jack began sweeping the papers into a pile and stuffing them into one of his desk drawers. Daniel saw Jack's hands trembling.
"General Hammond told me after the debriefing." Daniel reached out and grabbed hold of Jack's wrist, feeling the dry skin beneath his fingers. "Stop, Jack. Just. Stop."
Jack took a deep, shaky breath and fixed his eyes on Daniel's.
"Sam and Teal'c don't know. I won't tell them. Jack, I…" Daniel picked up a paperweight that Cassie had made Jack for his birthday two years before. "We need to talk."
"I can't, Daniel." Jack stood up, pushing his hands deep into his pockets.
"No, Jack. You 'can'. You 'choose' not to." Daniel stood up too, stepping into Jack's personal space. "Jack," he rubbed Jack's upper arms, "I love you. You are hurting. You might not like the fact that you are, but that doesn't mean you aren't."
"I threw up," Jack whispered. "I walked into the Gate room; I was going to meet the delegation from P1Q-448, and I couldn’t stay in there. I left and spent the next fifteen minutes tossing my lunch into the toilet."
"And then you came back to your office and wrote your resignation and handed it to the general," Daniel finished.
Jack didn't answer. He put his hands on the filing cabinet, hanging his head down between his outstretched arms breathing heavily.
"I tried so hard to save him, Daniel."
"I know you did, Jack."
"I didn't know he hit his head. Maybe if I had fought the current harder. Maybe if I would have kept him off the rocks."
"Jack, you couldn't know. You couldn't know it was going to happen." Jack turned to face him at those words, his brown eyes boring into Daniel's a moment before the anger died and was replaced with sadness.
"It's my job to anticipate, Daniel. To calculate risk," Jack said. "If I can't do that…" his voice faded and Daniel realized once again how very tired and worn Jack appeared.
"Jack, General Hammond isn't acting on the resignation for now. He knows you need time. He's willing to give it to you." Daniel placed a hand on the back of Jack's neck noting the tight muscles. "Let's go home. Take some time to rest, to assess. Can you do that?"
"Home sounds like a good thing right now, Daniel." Jack managed to smile.
"I'll call for food." Daniel held up the phone. "Chinese, pizza?" He watched as Jack took off his jacket, noting the leanness that was beginning to border on skinniness, wondering how many other times in the past weeks Jack had been throwing up meals and he hadn't noticed.
"Up to you, Daniel." Jack rubbed his left wrist.
"Your wrist hurt?" Jack shook his head in negation and not believing him, Daniel put his own hand over the arm and stroked the dry skin. Jack's muscles were tight under his hand, and Daniel slid his hand up Jack's arm to Jack's shoulder. "Why don't you take a shower? And then I can give you a massage."
Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel's waist pulling him close. "Sounds nice."
"My pleasure, Jack." Daniel held Jack's face between his hands and kissed Jack's lips. He pulled back when there was no response to his touch.
"Sorry," Jack shook his head.
" No need to be. You're exhausted, Jack. Shower, then massage. I'll make us something to eat later. You need to rest." Daniel smiled. "How does meatloaf sound? Could you eat some of that?"
"I think, yes." Jack paused as he began to go up the few stairs towards the bedroom. "Daniel?"
"We're going to work it out, Jack." Daniel took in the slumped, defeated posture, so unlike Jack. "I can't make it go away, but we'll work through it."
Jack nodded and dragged his way up the stairs.
Hoping that Jack hadn't actually fallen asleep in the shower, something he'd done once before after a long mission, Daniel knocked on the
bathroom door. The meatloaf was ready to go in the oven later and Daniel had also peeled and diced potatoes. Maybe he could persuade Jack to nap for a bit and the massage would relax him enough to do so.
"Jack?" Daniel opened the door when there was no answer. "You about done?"
Daniel frowned. Jack's clothes were kicked into a pile in the corner and the shower was still running. Jack taking a shower that lasted more than ten minutes was a rarity, and according to Daniel's watch Jack had been in there a good thirty minutes.
"Jack? You okay?" Daniel's mouth was dry and he could feel his heart beat begin to quicken. There was a sound coming from the shower, distress beneath the sound of running water. Daniel pulled back the curtain. "Oh God," he whispered at the sight before him. He reached in and turned off the faucets. Jack was curled into a ball in the corner of the tub, murmuring under his breath. Kicking off his own shoes, Daniel stepped into the tub, kneeling in front of Jack.
"Jack?" He reached out to touch Jack's wet hair. "Did you fall? Are you hurt?"
"Make it stop. No more water. Make it stop." Jack's words could finally be heard, broken and soft. He moved and pulled his hands up to cover his ears.
"It's me, Daniel. Hey can you look up at me? Did you hit your head, Jack?" Daniel ran gentle fingers over Jack's scalp unable to feel any bumps, noting with relief that Jack didn't flinch at the motion.
Jack looked up at him, eyes lost and grief-filled. "There was blood. His head was bleeding and I couldn’t get it to stop. He was just a little boy."
"I know, Jack. I know." Daniel sat down in the tub, his awkward position making it hard to pull Jack close, but he urged Jack forward until the older man's head rested on Daniel's thighs. Daniel reached over the side and pulled in a towel covering Jack with it and beginning to rub him dry, to get some warmth back into a body that was shocky.
Jack's fingers dug into Daniel's thigh with bruising force. "Dead. He was dead and I couldn't stop it."
"You tried, Jack. You tried so hard." Daniel continued his ministrations, still worried at the chill of Jack's skin despite the heat of the water that had been cascading over him. "No one could have done more."
"My boy. My little boy," Jack whispered. "So much blood. I thought it would wash away but it didn't."
"It did, Jack." Daniel dried one of Jack's hands, holding the fingers up for Jack to see. "No more blood. It's clean."
"Clean?" Jack shifted, trying to push himself up.
"Easy," Daniel said as he placed an arm around Jack's shoulders.
"Danny? We…shower?" Jack looked around in confusion. He placed a hand on the wall, beginning to pull himself up.
"Let's get you out of here and warmed up, okay?" Daniel helped Jack stand and held him steady as he stepped out of the tub. "You're still chilled." Daniel grabbed another towel, rubbing its rough surface over Jack's skin.
"Daniel?" Jack rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. "I don't remember you coming in here." He began to shiver in the cooling air.
"You had a little flashback." Daniel threw the towel into the tub and led Jack into the bedroom. "Let's get you lying down."
Jack moved when Daniel told him, sitting down on the bed and then stretching out on his side when Daniel motioned for him to do
so. Daniel stripped out of his jeans and shirt and crawled under the covers, pulling Jack closer. He pressed against Jack's back, wrapping his arms around Jack's chest, capturing Jack's hands between his own.
"Do you remember anything after going into the bathroom, Jack?" Daniel spoke into Jack's hair, feeling the shivers intensify and then begin to fade as his personal body heat warmed Jack.
Jack moved his head and tried twisting to look at Daniel's face. He sighed and then settled deeper under the covers. "I took off my clothes, stepped in the shower, turned on the faucet."
"And then?" Daniel rubbed a foot on Jack's calf. Daniel could feel the tremors that went the length of Jack's body, deep inside as if Jack's heart was turning to ice.
"The water." Jack twisted his hands out of Daniel's, grabbing onto Daniel's forearms. "It sounded like…" He stopped and took a deep breath. "It reminded me of the waterfall. Going over. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop us. There was nothing I could do to stop it."
"No. No there wasn't." Daniel held on tight keeping his breath slow and even and hoping it transferred to Jack.
"He didn't listen to me, Daniel," Jack whispered. "I couldn’t stop him. I was useless, just like when Ch…"
"When Charlie shot himself," Daniel finished when Jack couldn't. "Kaie died and it was an accident. Charlie died and it was an accident, Jack."
Jack pushed Daniel's arms away, scrambling towards the side of the bed and half-tumbling out before he gained his feet. "What the hell do you know, Daniel? I was his father. His life was my responsibility. It was my duty to keep him safe and I failed him. Me! I failed my son," Jack pointed at himself. "He trusted me, he trusted me to keep him safe."
"And you put the gun in his hand, Jack?" Daniel got out of the bed walking to Jack's side. "Charlie disobeyed you, Jack. How many times did you tell him he should never touch your gun?"
"No," Jack shook his head. "Don't you say it, Daniel."
"Why?" Daniel threw up his hands. "Why? You don't want to hear the truth, Jack? Is that it? You don't want to hear that Charlie did something wrong? That your son touched your gun because he was mad at you? That it was a stupid, stupid, accident that never should have happened but did anyway?"
"Shut up!" Jack screamed at him. "You don't know. You don't know anything."
"I do know, Jack." Daniel let the angry words wash over him, unwilling to back down. "I know that you can forget but you can't forgive. I know that you still mourn Charlie because you've told yourself you're not allowed to grieve for him. I know that in one moment your life changed and I know that no matter how much you beat yourself up for it, Charlie still is dead and won't be coming back. I know that it was not your fault."
Jack pushed past Daniel, pulling open a drawer and grabbing a pair of sweat pants. "I need to get out."
"Running away doesn't change the truth, Jack." Daniel pushed his legs into his jeans and buttoned them and then yanked his sweater over his head.
"I said I need to get away from here." Jack was dressed and stood, rubbing his hands through his hair.
"I'm going with you, Jack," Daniel said, relieved that Jack didn't say a word to the contrary just giving a curt nod. "Where do you want to go?"
Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Just out. Away. Somewhere where there is peace, Daniel. Somewhere my dreams won't haunt me."
Jack went down the stairs in silence, Daniel following. He stood in the middle of the living room, hands on his head, turning in a slow circle.
"My keys. Where are my keys, Daniel?" The lost tone in Jack's voice reminded Daniel of the moment he had knelt beside Jack on Breaghah and coaxed Jack to give him a dead child.
"Why don't I drive, Jack?" Daniel picked up his coat, pulling Jack's keys from the pocket. "You can close your eyes and rest while I drive." Daniel had to remind Jack to put on his jacket. "You can take it off once we get the heater going," he added when Jack hesitated.
They got in the truck silently. Daniel glanced at the dashboard clock when he turned on the engine. He wondered how so much time had passed that it was close to ten. Beside him, Jack huddled in his jacket, uncharacteristically silent and chilled.
"Music?" Daniel asked as he pulled onto the street.
"No." Jack pulled his jacket closer and turned the heater to its highest setting. "No. Just quiet."
"Okay." Daniel flicked the turn signal at the end of the street and began heading towards the highway. He could do quiet.
Little glances at his silent passenger showed Daniel the depth of Jack's distress: fingers drumming a silent rhythm on a bouncing knee, frequent glimpses out the window into the dark, dark night, a shaking hand drawn through short gray hair. Daniel slowed down once, ready to head back to the house, but Jack's breathing picked up.
"Drive, drive." The words were a mere whisper but the urgency behind them made them a command.
"You tell me when you're ready, Jack." Daniel was surprised that Jack allowed him to touch his knee. "Why don't you lean back and close your eyes? I'll keep driving."
Callused fingers wrapped around his and then released them with a small pat.
It didn't take long for Jack to fall into a light sleep. Daniel was reminded of a colleague of his in graduate school relating how he and his wife had to take their colicky baby for drives in order for the child to fall asleep. Any time they stopped the baby waked and they had to drive around the block a few more times.
Daniel studied the gas gauge. The tank was nearly full. He had no idea where he should go so he headed north on the interstate towards Denver.
The truck was warm and Daniel managed to maneuver his way out of his jacket while driving.
"Jack?" Daniel shook Jack's thigh. "Take off your jacket."
He suspected Jack was more asleep than awake but Jack was able to take off his jacket without Daniel's assistance. He let it fall to the floor and leaned back mumbling something under his breath.
Daniel let out a sigh as Jack settled back into sleep. He cursed himself for not seeing the signs earlier, for not putting the puzzle pieces together. He should have know that this was about more than Kaie, that it was about Jack's guilt and inability to forgive himself for Charlie's death.
Those words still haunted him. "Sometimes I can forget but I can't forgive." Jack holding on to his perceived guilt, not allowing himself to mourn and move on. Daniel was too tired for anger. He was filled only with a deep sadness and he knew that the destination he now had in mind might carry the possibility of Jack being unable to forgive him. But he had to take the risk, because Jack's soul was worth more to Daniel than Jack's love.
He parked on a side street almost three and a half hours later, after filling the tank with gas and buying himself a cup of coffee. Jack hadn't moved during the brief stop and was deeply asleep, the tension in his face finally eased. Daniel sipped his coffee and stared out into the night, hoping that when dawn came he'd have the strength to follow through with his plan.
"The first light of dawn began filling the cab of the truck and Jack stirred. Daniel started the engine again and drove into the cemetery. He'd never visited the cemetery with Jack, always respecting Jack's need to be alone on Charlie's birthday. Snow was still drifted among the pine trees and there were small patches here and there on the grass.
"Daniel?" Jack pushed himself away from the door and took in their surroundings. "Where are we?"
"Winter Park," Daniel said. He pulled to stop in front of the small groundskeeper's building. "I'll be right back." He left the motor running while he got out and checked the directory for the gravesite.
"Why here?" Jack demanded when Daniel got back in. "Why did you bring me here?"
"Because this is where you need to be, Jack." Daniel hesitated as he pulled away.
"Right, it's to the right. Turn left at the third road." Jack bent and grabbed his jacket, pulling it on. He refused to look at Daniel, instead staring out of the window.
Daniel stopped the truck, looking out at a small hilly site. A pine tree was planted beside the tombstone. He turned sideways.
"You want me to come with you?"
"I'm not getting out."
"You mind if I do?" Daniel pulled on his jacket and got out after Jack shook his head.
He walked the short distance to the white tombstone. Snowdrops were peeking through the remaining snow. Daniel knelt down and brushed the clinging snow off the stone.
"Charles Tyler O'Neill. Beloved son." That was all it said along with Charlie's date of birth and death.
Daniel turned at the crunch of boots.
"I had to pick it out," Jack said. "Sara was in no shape to…" Jack placed his hand on the tombstone. "You don't ever think you're going to pick out your child's tombstone."
"No, you don't." Daniel brushed his fingers over a snowdrop.
"Sara planted those." Jack cleared his throat. "After Abydos. I didn't even know they were here and I came here not too long after you came home and there they were."
Daniel got to his feet, brushing off the snow that still clung to his jeans.
"I can leave you alone for awhile, Jack. You know, to talk to him."
"I can't talk to him, Daniel. He's dead." Jack turned to head back to the truck and then paused when he realized that Daniel wasn't following.
"I can't save you this time, Jack. If there was a staff weapon for me to jump in front of to save your life, I would with no hesitation." Daniel jammed his hands in his jacket pockets. "You're dying, Jack. And I have no idea how to save you. I have no idea how to make you feel alive again." When there was no answer, Daniel took a deep breath and plunged ahead. "You eat, you drink, you sleep, not well, but you sleep, you go to work. You do all that and inside you're dead. You may as well be in this grave with him."
"Shut the hell up, Daniel," Jack's voice was low and dangerous.
"Why, Jack? Because you don’t want to hear the truth? Tell me, would
you have allowed me to grieve forever over Sha're?"
"You didn't kill Sha're. I killed my son, Daniel." Jack moved closer, jabbing Daniel in the chest with an outstretched hand.
"No." Daniel shook his head. "Charlie killed Charlie. A senseless fucking accident, Jack. But Charlie killed Charlie. What happens if you let go of the guilt, Jack? If you decide to forgive yourself? Are you afraid you'll finally be able to cry for him? Afraid that you'll be at peace?"
"You don't know a damn thing about it, Daniel. You don't know what it's like to hold your dying child in your arms, to have his blood on your hands, to see the light in his eyes disappear. You don't know what it's like to hear your wife screaming at the doctors to save him, to have to be the one to tell them to turn off the life support because she can't speak. You don't know." Jack stood with his head hanging down, his chest heaving from his speech.
"You're right. I don't know. I can't even imagine the pain. Sara forgave you, Jack. She forgave because it was the truth. She forgave because she knew that holding on to the pain would make her as dead as Charlie."
Daniel bent down, digging in the loose earth and finding a pebble.
"This grave holds you too, Jack. You may as well be buried with him." He placed the pebble on the tombstone, conscious of Jack watching him. "A sign of respect. In the Jewish religion, when one visits the grave of the deceased a stone is placed on the headstone to show respect and honor the person's memory." He brushed his fingers over the carved letters. "Sometimes we honor the dead by continuing to live. I can't fix this, Jack. I wish to God that I could, but I can't. Only you can." Daniel moved closer to Jack. "What would Charlie want for you?"
Jack's eyes were fixed on the pebble, his breath a cloud in the wintry air. Daniel stepped away, hunching his shoulders against the chill and beginning to head back to the truck.
"Daniel."
He looked back to see Jack on his knees, touching the stone.
"Jack?"
"Don't. Don't go. I need you. Here." Jack looked up at him. "I can't go through this alone. Not again."
"Just ask." Daniel got to his knees beside Jack taking Jack's hand in his. "That's all you ever need to do."
"He was so alive, Daniel." Jack began tracing the letters with a finger. "So beautiful. I loved him so much. When the doctors put him in my arms, I couldn't believe that anything so small could be so alive. Sara and I made this little miracle." Jack smiled looking briefly at Daniel but then he turned his gaze back to the stone.
"I love you, Charlie."
Daniel heard the hitch in Jack's voice and saw a tear trickling down his face.
"Daddy loved you so much. You were my beautiful boy." Jack continued to trace the letters and numbers. He pulled his shoulders towards his ears and Daniel heard the first gasping sob. Jack moved until he was sitting on the ground.
"He knew, Jack. Charlie always knew you loved him, that you wanted him to be safe and happy." Daniel placed an arm around Jack's shoulders. Jack turned into the embrace and buried his face in Daniel's jacket.
Daniel cupped the back of Jack's head in his hand, a benediction of sorts. He didn't speak. He couldn't for he had no words. The sun continued to rise, a gentle spring breeze began blowing from the south, birds began their morning songs, and a father was finally able to
forgive himself and his son.
"Daniel." A broken whisper in the quiet of the early morning.
"Thank you, Jack." Daniel kissed the silver hair.
Jack pushed away from him, sitting up and wiping his face with his hand. "You're thanking me?"
"You let me share your pain, Jack. That was a gift." Daniel stood up, conscious now of the damp that had seeped into his jeans.
"It still hurts," Jack said as they walked to the truck.
"It always does when you open a wound again." Daniel stopped before opening the truck door. "But it heals. Remember that, Jack. It always heals."
"Yeah. It does." Jack gave a short laugh before getting in the truck. "It will."
"Carden," Daniel clasped the warrior's forearm after he stepped off the Stargate dais on Breaghah.
"Welcome, Daniel. And Colonel O'Neill. It is good to see you well."Carden gave them a tight smile and then began walking with them towards the village.
"How is Ahearne?" Jack asked. Daniel walked just behind the other two.
"He grieves, but he heals." Carden stopped. "You must know, Colonel. Kaie was ever a strong-willed child. Nealla told her father how the boy
disobeyed you."
They walked the rest of the way in silence.
"Welcome. Welcome back." Some of the villagers surrounded them as theycrossed the small bridge into the village.
Daniel touched Jack's arm when Jack paused looking down into the water.
"Okay?"
Jack met his eyes and smiled. "Yes."
A figure emerged from one of the small houses. Ahearne had aged, his reddish hair and beard now sprinkled with gray, lines bracketing his mouth.
"Colonel O'Neill." Ahearne bowed his head and clasped Jack's arm.
"Ahearne."
Donal made a shooing motion that had the rest of the villagers scattering as Ahearne beckoned Daniel and Jack inside his home.
They sat at a wooden table; Donal offering them some ale.
"You are well." Ahearne raised his mug to Jack. "Your injuries have healed?"
"Yes," Jack nodded. "And you, Ahearne. How are you?"
The chieftain held his mug between his hands and stared into its depths. "I am a man who has lost his son, O'Neill. There are times I hear laughter and think it is him."
"And times you see a child running and begin to call out his name without thinking," Jack continued.
Ahearne looked up, surprise crossing his face. "Yes. Yes that happens. You know this?"
"I had a son. Charlie. He died in an accident when he was only a little older than Kaie."
Ahearne turned to Donal, "Leave us."
"Jack." Daniel stood. "Ahearne. I will take my leave also."
"Daniel?" Jack raised an eyebrow.
"This is a talk the two of you need to have alone," Daniel bent to say in a soft voice. "Father to father."
Daniel stood blinking in the summer sunlight as he exited Ahearne's home. He could smell woodsmoke on his clothes and told himself that was causing the burning sensation in his eyes. He saw Donal and Carden motion for him to join them as they played some sort of game. Daniel walked to them, smiling and sitting on the stool Donal pulled out.
"It is a good thing for them to talk," Carden said.
"Yes, Carden. It is a very good thing," Daniel agreed. "Now, will you explain the rules of this game?"
Carden nodded and handed Daniel a small pebble as he began to explain the markings on the table.
"This is where you found us?" Jack walked to the edge of the stream, his boots crunching on the gravel.
"Yes." Daniel closed his eyes, the image of Jack curled around Kaie's body still easily recalled. "You were holding him. You didn’t want to let him go."
"I don't remember." Jack shook his head. "I remember hiking up to Kaie's secret place. I remember Kaie standing on the rocks and yelling at Nealla to go for help. That's all, Daniel."
"Janet said you're probably never going to remember anything else," Daniel said, thinking that perhaps it was a blessing.
"Nealla. I didn't see Nealla." Jack and Ahearne had spoken far into the night.
"Aithne told me she's been sent to her aunt in another village for fostering."
"So he's lost two children." Jack picked up a stone and threw it into the water.
"Ahearne believes that he can keep her safe, I think." Daniel moved closer and touched Jack's elbow. "You ready to keep going?"
Jack gave a last look to the calm waters and turned to face Daniel. "Yeah."
Daniel recognized the look of determination on Jack's face. He'd seen when Jack had been hit with a staff blast and SG-1 forced to run and hide in the woods for hours before making it back to the Stargate. Suffering from pain and blood loss, Jack was stoic, not making a sound as they made their way through the forest. Daniel remembered looking at Sam and thinking they weren't going to survive when Jack had grabbed his arm in a bruising grip and told him to believe because he sure as hell wasn't ready to die now. It was the same look Jack wore yesterday before they stepped through the Gate. Jaw set, eyes forward, steel in his spine.
Taking the lead, Daniel led the way up the mountain side path. They heard the waterfall long before they saw it. Daniel couldn't even remember what it looked like, his own memory of that day a jumble of fear, running over the paths, and following Carden's back.
This was a pilgrimage of sorts. To honor Kaie's memory, to face the fears Jack had developed. Jack wasn't back to his usual self yet, buthe was healing. The trip to Breaghah had been Jack's idea, his first trip through the Stargate since the accident.
"It is beautiful," Jack shouted over the sound of rushing water as he came up beside Daniel. "Kaie said it was Nealla's favorite place."
Daniel took off his glasses to wipe the spray from them and looked at Jack. He was smiling a sad 'lost in a memory' smile. Glasses back on, Daniel looked at the waterfall himself and realized that it was miracle that Jack had survived. He wondered if the higher volume of water due to the spring melt had contributed to that survival, pushing Jack and Kaie away from the rocks at the bottom. It wasn't particularly high as waterfalls went, perhaps fifteen to twenty feet. Above them, at the brink, the stream narrowed between high banks, the water tumbling over rocks, the spray forming a rainbow in the sunlight. He tried to imagine Jack and Kaie being swept down the river, Jack searching for a way to save them, reaching out for overhanging branches, boulders, anything to keep them from being swept over and hearing the sound of rushing water growing louder and louder. It was no wonder that there were still times that Jack couldn’t bear the sound of the shower, the sound memory buried deep in his subconscious.
Jack put his arm over Daniel's shoulders, leaning close to speak in his ear. "Let's keep going."
Daniel nodded and pointed to a path that veered them away from the water and deeper into the forest.
They hiked in silence, the roar of water becoming distant, the sounds of native birds and rustling leaves taking its' place.
"I remember this," Jack said once when they came to a small meadow and without thought took the lead.
It didn't take them long to reach Kaie's secret place from the meadow.
"He was so excited, Daniel." Jack smiled. "He wanted to show me the fish." Jack walked to the water's edge and then stepped out on a boulder.
"The water was a lot higher then." Daniel stepped up beside him, looking at the stream.
"Snow melt," Jack said. He crouched down, looking into the shallows. "See them, Daniel?" He pointed.
Daniel saw a silvery flash as a fish swam away from their shadows. He nodded.
They stood there a while longer watching the fish. Jack stepped back, hopping off the rock onto the bank, watching as Daniel did the same.
Jack knelt by his pack, pulling something out of it.
"This was Charlie's," Jack said as he held the toy fishing rod. "He used to love to pretend to fish. I thought that maybe…" He propped it against a tree.
"I think Kaie would have liked it very much, Jack." Daniel rubbed a circle on Jack's back.
"Yeah." Jack rubbed at his forehead. Daniel was unable to see his eyes, hidden as they were by his sunglasses. "Yeah, that's what I thought.
"A bright shining star." Jack tilted his head back, looking up through the trees.
"What?" Daniel looked up unable to see anything but patches of brilliant blue summer sky.
"Ahearne said it last night. A bright shining star fallen to earth too soon. He said that was Kaie."
"Charlie too," Daniel offered.
"Both of them," Jack whispered. "My bright shining star." He touched the tree, rubbing his hand on the rough bark before turning to Daniel and taking off his sunglasses.
Daniel wasn't surprised to see Jack's lashes were wet and he smiled as Jack smiled at him.
"We have as much time as you need, Jack."
"I'm ready." Jack lifted his pack and then patted Daniel's face lightly.
"Ready? To go home?" Daniel grabbed his own pack.
Jack nodded. "To start living again, Daniel. To be alive." He turned away and began taking off down the path at breakneck speed. "Come on, Dannyboy. What are you waiting for? We have a whole universe to explore."
Daniel touched the fishing rod once and smiled. Jack's back was already disappearing over the small rise. "Hey, wait up." Daniel began to jog. "You're not going it alone."
Jack was waiting for him as he caught up. "Oh, I know, Daniel. I know." He laughed. "I love you, Daniel Jackson."
Daniel smiled back. "Love you too, Jack."
"Then I guess we belong together," Jack grinned and began walking at a slower pace.
"I guess you're right," Daniel said as they walked down the mountain together side by side.
FINIS
Return to Part One
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