What Endures by babs

"Okay people, let's move it, stat."

The gate room fell silent as Janet Fraiser and her staff moved out at a near run, voices giving orders and vital signs fading into the distance.

"Sir?" Carter whispered. She was standing so close that Jack could feel the vibration of her body and hear the slight huff of her breathing. "Sir?" Her voice was cracking and that little detail reminded Jack that he was the leader of SG1. He glanced at her. Her blue eyes were wide with shock and she was looking at him as though he had all the answers.

"Let's get cleaned up, Carter," Jack said. She nodded. They walked from the room, leaving others to deal with the mess they left in their wake.

"They're gonna' be okay, Carter." Jack tightened his fingers on her shoulder as they headed towards the infirmary.

"Don't say that, sir. You don't know that." She spat out the words, anger, fear, and adrenaline fueling her speech. "You can't say that. You saw how bad it was." She made a fist and raised it as if to punch the wall.

Jack put his hand out, intercepting her fist." You don't want to do that, Carter. Trust me." He knew how she felt; he wanted nothing more than to do the same. But he was a colonel in the United States Air Force and couldn't afford himself the luxury. His own fear bubbled up and he shifted, gripping her upper arms and tightening his hands. "They will be okay. Say it." When she didn't answer he shook her a little, his voice rising. "Say it, damn it."

"You're hurting me, sir," Carter whispered, her pain-filled eyes fixing on his.

"I'm sorry." He released his grip and stuffed his fists into his pockets. "God, Carter, I'm so sorry."

"I…Sir, I…" She wrapped her arms around herself and gave into the sobs that needed release.

Jack turned a moment, hating to see Carter's pain, but the sobs tore into his heart and he pulled her close, stroking her hair with one hand, watching it turn red from the blood on his. "I know, Carter. I know," he repeated over and over while she sobbed her fear for Daniel and Teal'c into his shirt.

Jack closed his eyes in weariness and then snapped them open as visions of the booby trap that Teal'c and Daniel had been caught in played behind his eyelids. Even with his eyes open he could still see Daniel pushing Teal'c out of the way, taking the brunt of the blast, his body being flung through the air like paper confetti. He could hear Daniel's final warning yell, Teal'c's hoarse cry, and Carter's scream. But they'd gotten them home, Jack reminded himself. Carter and he had gotten Teal'c and Daniel home and they'd both been alive when they brought them through the gate.

"Sir?" Jack turned, still keeping his arm around Carter.

"We're coming. The blood isn't ours," Jack explained to the nurse as they followed her to the infirmary. "It's all…it's not ours."

"Yes, sir. Doctor Lynwood will be in to see you shortly." She pulled the curtain around the bed as she left.

It was silent in the infirmary. Jack guessed most of Janet's staff was in the trauma rooms dealing with Daniel and Teal'c. Carter was sitting on the bed, her teeth chattering now that the adrenaline was leaving her system. He pulled a blanket from the end of the bed and wrapped it around her. She gave him a thin smile. Jack stood, staring at his hands and blood he didn’t' think would ever come off.

"Colonel O'Neill." General Hammond's familiar twang was a welcome distraction from the morbid thoughts his mind was taking. "Major Carter." He came into the cubicle. "What happened on that planet?"

"Booby trap," Jack forced out, his throat dry and tight. "Teal'c was helping Daniel and he triggered something—I don't know what exactly. Daniel figured out what was going on before any of the rest of us, sir. He pushed Teal'c and…it was bad, sir."

Hammond patted Jack's shoulder in an awkward fashion. "Doctors Fraiser and Warner aren't going to give up on them, son."

"Yes sir," Jack mumbled. His eyes were burning and it was with relief that he saw Doctor Lynwood enter to begin her post mission exams.

Daniel and Teal'c were going to live, Jack reminded himself. They had to.

"Doctor Jackson was transferred into the ICU, sir," Lieutenant Ash informed Jack as he walked towards Daniel's room at the Academy Hospital.

When Jack glared at her, she continued, "Doctor Fraiser asked that we contact you immediately sir, but we were informed you were already on your way here."

"What's going on?" Jack asked her as she pointed him in the direction of the ICU.

"Doctors Fraiser and Mendoza are with him now, sir," The lieutenant informed him. "I'm sorry I don't have any more information than that."

Jack nodded and walked down the hall alone. He'd left Carter back at the mountain for this trip. He hadn't failed to notice the dark circles under her eyes and he was pretty much avoiding looking in mirrors himself. Teal'c at least was on the mend, his lacerations healing and the double vision from the concussion greatly reduced. But Daniel had been transferred to the Academy Hospital when Doctor Fraiser had determined his condition had stabilized enough for transport last week.

Mendoza was in the hallway outside the ICU and Jack angled towards him.

"Doctor Mendoza?" Jack asked the orthopedist. "What's going on with Daniel?"

"Colonel O'Neill," the doctor acknowledged with a nod. "We're doing some tests but Doctor Jackson's condition has deteriorated."

"Deteriorated?" Jack shook his head. "Can you give it to me straight?" He looked at Mendoza and then was relieved to see Fraiser coming out of the ICU. That was until he caught a glimpse of the frown she was wearing.

"Doc?" Jack asked her. "Is someone going to tell me what is going on?"

"Colonel, come with me, Fraiser motioned towards a small waiting area. Jack followed her, his heart beginning to pound. When she gestured for both of them to sit the sick feeling in his stomach increased.

"Daniel's developed an infection, sir. We're doing everything we can, and the neurologist is with him now. We'll know more in a little bit."

Jack leaned forward in the chair, putting his head in his hands. "God, Janet. This isn't good."

A small hand was placed on his forearm and Jack looked up into her warm brown eyes. "No, it's not. But we believe we've caught it early and we were able to take immediate measures to ensure he gets the best of care."

Nodding, Jack took a deep breath before asking his next question. "Doc, I know you don't like to give predictions but I need you to answer me. What are Daniel's chances of making a full recovery from his injuries?"

"If you're asking me to predict whether Daniel is going to be able to go off-world again, my answer is no. We haven't been able to do a proper audiological exam, but we know he's lost at least some hearing in his left ear. Doctor Molinari has repaired the detached retina but we don't know how well healed it is yet. Sir, Daniel has surprised us before but I don't want you to believe he's just going to wake up in the next few days and walk out of this hospital with no lasting effects."

Jack nodded. "I understand." He stood when she did. "Do you think I could see him, Doc?"

"Give Doctor Harris a chance to finish his exam and then we'll see, Colonel." She smiled up at him. " Colonel…Jack---Daniel is going to need you throughout this. It's going to be a long slow recovery."

"He's going to recover though." Jack knew in his heart there were no guarantees but he couldn't help wanting one anyway.

"I believe he will, sir. I want you to be prepared to realize he won't be the same as he was before the accident though."

"Doc, he's alive. That's more than we thought to hope for when we carried him back to the Gate." Jack kept his voice low. "I'm willing to help him through anything."

"I know you will, sir." Fraiser smiled at him. "Follow me, sir. We'll see about letting you visit with him for a few minutes."


Walking into the ICU behind Fraiser, Jack closed his eyes for a second, too many bad memories surfacing from days and years past. A nurse in Daniel's cubicle looked up from the monitors as they approached. She smiled at them and retreated with silent steps after Fraiser whispered something to her.

Putting out a hand before Jack moved closer, the petite doctor spoke in a quiet voice. "We're still keeping him in an induced coma, sir. We've hooked him up to the oxygen so he's not working quite so hard. His temperature is up a bit, but we're busy isolating the source of the infection so we can help Daniel fight it. I'll give you five minutes, Colonel, and then I'm going to ask you to leave for an hour."

Jack nodded appreciating her warning and then moved closer to Daniel's side.

"Hey there, Daniel." Jack hadn't been warned he couldn't touch Daniel and he put out his index finger to rub at the warm skin on Daniel's right hand. "How are you doing today?" He leaned over the bed, cupping his other hand on the top of Daniel's head, much the way he'd done when Charlie was a helpless infant. He studied his lover's face. An eye patch covered the left eye and Daniel's right eye was partially open—Jack able to see a sliver of blue—even though Daniel remained in the light coma the doctors had kept him in since being caught in the booby trap. Daniel's lips were chapped and Jack noticed the nurse had placed some lip balm on the skin. He let his gaze drop lower to Daniel's chest and left arm. Like Teal'c, Daniel's skin had been ripped with flying debris and bruising spread across Daniel's chest from his broken ribs. Daniel's left hand was encased in bandages and Jack tried to avoid gazing too long at the spot where Daniel's ring finger and pinky had been. Daniel's left leg was resting in a padded sling—unable to be casted because of extensive tissue injury.

"I know you probably don't feel too well today buddy," Jack whispered, "but Doc Fraiser and her crew are doing their best to help you out. Now you have to do your part. You have to fight this. Just a little set back. You've picked up some nasty bug and we need you to fight it like you've been fighting all along." He folded Daniel's fingers into his hand. "Teal'c's doing great, Daniel, and Sam misses you. Doc Fraiser is gonna' come back in here any minute and make me leave. But I'll be right outside the door. So if you decide to wake up, I'll be back in here quick as a wink." Jack bent closer as he heard Fraiser's footsteps coming closer and placed a quick kiss on Daniel's forehead. "I'm going to be with you every step of the way, Danny. Every step."

"Sir, I brought you some coffee and a sandwich."

Jack looked up from his intense study of the floor and stared at Carter a moment before he realized who she was and where they were. He nodded as he accepted the cup she handed him.

"You shouldn't be here, Carter. You should have gone home from the SGC and caught up on some sleep," he said after draining half the cup in one gulp.

She handed him the sandwich and stared at her interlaced fingers. "I have the right to be worried about Daniel too, sir."

"I'm not saying you don’t." Jack brought half of the sandwich to his mouth and then lowered it, his stomach in a knot. "I'm just saying…"

"We're a team. SG-1 is a team. That means we all hurt when one of us hurts. We all care," Carter said, her voice growing almost hard. She ducked her head and then looked up at Jack again. "Eat your sandwich, sir."

"Excuse me, aren't you only the major?" Jack tried to joke and was rewarded with a small smile.

Carter sat in silence while Jack choked down his sandwich. He wouldn't have even been able to tell someone what kind it had been if they'd asked him as he took his last bite.

"He has a kidney infection," Jack said when Carter looked at him once more. "The doctors said they are giving him antibiotics that should help him fight it, but his fever is going up instead of down."

"Daniel's strong, sir," Carter replied.

"I don't want to lose him again, Carter," Jack admitted. "We can't lose him again."

"No."

The sudden tensing of Carter alerted Jack to someone's approach. He was on his feet before Fraiser made it to their sides. "Doc?"

"His fever is coming down and it looks like the antibiotics are doing their job." Fraiser smiled at both of them. "Sir, I'll let you in to see Daniel in a few minutes but only if you promise you will go home and not come back for at least twelve hours." She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to object. "I'll leave orders that you are to be called immediately if Daniel's condition changes."

The worry and stress of the past two weeks came crashing down around Jack and he realized that all he wanted to do was find a bed and sleep for a week. He nodded at Fraiser and looked at Carter who was twisting a tissue into a small ball.

"Doc, can Carter come in with me?" Jack asked, knowing he'd asked the right question when Carter smiled at him.

"Five minutes, you two," Fraiser nodded. "Five minutes."

"He looks so small," Carter whispered and Jack noticed how tightly she was gripping the rail on Daniel's bed. He moved one of his hands to cover hers. Jack didn't know what to say to that. She was right.

"Daniel, it's me. I'm back," Jack said, rubbing his hand on Daniel's forearm. "And Carter..uh Sam, is here too."

"Hi Daniel," Carter said. She touched Daniel's right leg. "Janet said we can only stay a little bit. We miss you at the SGC. I miss you."

"See, Daniel. Everyone is just waiting for you to wake up and get out of here," Jack continued when Carter stopped speaking. "You rest easy, Daniel. I'll be back before you know it. Don't give the nurses any trouble, you hear." Not caring that Carter was there, Jack placed a kiss on Daniel's forehead once again and then stepped back so she could do the same.

"So, Carter," Jack said as they walked out of the ICU together. "You going home?"

"Yes." She pulled her arms around her chest and rubbed them as if she was cold. "Sir?"

"Yeah, Carter?" He motioned for her to precede him into the elevator.

"Daniel's not going to be able to be on SG-1 again is he?" She looked at him, tears she'd held in bay now running down her cheeks.

"No," Jack sighed. "Look, Carter, I need…hell, just follow me home. There's something we need to discuss."

Carter sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "Yes sir."

"You're sure about this, Colonel?" General Hammond looked from the letter on the briefing room table to Jack.

"I'm sure, sir. More sure than I've been about a lot of things in my life." Jack put down the pencil he'd been playing with and looked around the table. Carter had her lips in a tight line but he suspected it was more from her trying to contain her emotions than anger. Teal'c, released from the infirmary, sat silent. Jack looked back to General Hammond. "Sir, the only person who doesn't know I'm doing this is Daniel. He's going to need someone during his recovery and we all know he's not going to be going through the Gate again on any type of first contact team." Jack stopped, his heart aching as he said the words. "We don't even know if he's lost the vision in his left eye yet. Or if he's going to be able to walk on his leg."

"O'Neill has discussed his decision with MajorCarter and me," Teal'c said. "I support him in this."

"As do I, sir," Carter added.

"Your resignation is approved, Colonel O'Neill." Hammond said. "I'll send the paperwork through." He pushed his chair back and the others stood. Hammond faced Jack and saluted. "Godspeed."

Jack returned the salute. "Thank you, sir."

"Dismissed, SG-1," Hammond said and then placed a hand on Jack's shoulder. "I'd like to speak to you alone, Colonel."

Jack watched Carter and Teal'c leave the briefing room and then followed General Hammond to the large window overlooking the Gateroom.

"Are you sure about this, Jack?" Hammond asked, his eyes fixed on the Stargate. "You realize you're the officer the Pentagon has in mind to take over the program."

"I realized that, sir," Jack said. He turned to face Hammond. "Sir," at the general's upraised hand he gave a little grin, "George, I need to do this. I'm going to miss it like hell, but you and I both know my knee isn't getting any better and I don't know if…." he trailed off.

"If you can go through the Stargate knowing Doctor Jackson can't," Hammond finished, the concern in his eyes reminding Jack of his father for a moment.

Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Yes. I don't know what this is going to do to Daniel, George." He opened his eyes and rested a fist on the glass. "Am I retired yet, sir?"

"What do you want to tell me, Jack?" Hammond asked.

"I need to know if I'm retired. If what I say is going to be friend to friend not subordinate to commanding officer." Jack kept his eyes on the Gate, remembering the wonder Daniel still showed every time they walked through.

"Friend to friend," Hammond said. "You can tell me, son."

Jack gave a little nod. "I love him, George. I love Daniel and I'm tired of living in secret."

General Hammond smiled. "I wondered. For the past few years, I wondered."

"So you..um…" Jack waved an index finger vaguely in a circle.

"It isn't any of my business," Hammond shrugged. "You know when my wife died, I thought of all the times we'd said we were going to go to Hawaii when I retired. We never got there."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"What I'm saying, Jack, is life is too short to put the people you love aside for your job." Hammond stood with his hands behind his back. "I'd like you to consider providing some consulting services for the SGC. In your new capacity as a civilian of course. You and Doctor Jackson are still the best we have."

Jack gave a grim smile. "Thank you, sir. I'll consider the offer."

"That's all I ask," Hammond nodded. "Now why don't you go back to the hospital and see how our boy is doing today?"

"Thank you again, George," Jack said. "I'll tell Daniel you said hello."

"You do that, son. And as soon as Doctor Fraiser says he can have more visitors I'll be there with bells on."

"Good afternoon, Colonel O'Neill," one of the nurses greeted him as he walked down the hall. "Doctor Fraiser is with Doctor Jackson. He's been transferred back to his regular room."

"Thanks." Jack waved a hand and continued down the hall, telling himself if Daniel was out of the ICU already it was a good sign and maybe Fraiser was just doing one of her usual checks on Daniel.

"Hello, Colonel." Fraiser smiled at him as he entered the room and stepped away from the bed. "I think someone would like to say hi to you."

"Daniel?" Jack couldn't hold back his grin when he saw Daniel regarding him. "You're awake."

"Jack," Daniel mouthed although no sound came out.

Fraiser handed him a cup of ice chips. "You can give him some of these." She lowered her voice. "He's still tired, so let him sleep if he wants to."

"You want some ice? I'll bet your throat is dry," Jack said, holding the spoon to Daniel's lips. He smiled when Daniel opened his mouth and quickly scooped in the ice.

"Teal'c? Sam?" Daniel whispered as he finished the first spoonful.

Daniel's concern didn't surprise Jack one bit and he hastened to reassure his lover. "They're both fine. Teal'c had a concussion but he's on the mend. Carter didn't even have a scratch."

"You?" Daniel brought his left arm over his body to rest it on Jack's hand. His uncovered eye widened as he looked at his bandaged hand. "Jack?"

"I'm fine, Daniel." Jack covered the bandaged hand lightly with his own. "They did their best, Daniel, but they couldn't save two of your fingers. You have the hand. That's what's important."

"What else?" Daniel asked in a choked voice, asking again a little louder when Jack shook his head. "My eye. I can't see out of my left eye."

"There's a patch on it, buddy. You had a detached retina."

"Blind?"

Jack seriously considered lying to his friend but he couldn't do it. "They don't know yet." He hesitated. "You want to know it all?"

"Yes." Daniel drew his hand away and watched Jack.

"There's damage to your left ear, most likely permanent hearing loss. Your hand—they had to amputate the ring finger and pinky." Jack stopped, watching Daniel, not wanting to say more. But even in his current condition, Daniel had that stubborn look that Jack knew meant he wanted the plain, unvarnished truth. "Your left leg is in pretty bad shape. They had to do some pretty extensive surgery on it. Doctor Mendoza isn't sure if there is nerve damage or not."

"Am I going to lose it?" Daniel asked, his voice calm.

Jack kept his eyes fixed on Daniel, not letting him know he could see Daniel's hand trembling on the blanket. "Mendoza thinks he was able to save it. But he doesn't know how well you'll be able to use it."

Daniel turned his head away from Jack and closed his eye, effectively shutting his lover out. Jack slid his hand through the bed rail and took Daniel's right hand in his, stroking the back of it with his thumb. "I know you, Daniel. You're going to get through this. We're going to get through this." But there was no answer and soon Jack heard the slow even rhythm of Daniel's breathing. Sighing, Jack kept his contact with the man he loved and prayed for strength.

Jack juggled the books he was holding with a flower arrangement he'd picked up at the desk to save the staff the extra trip to Daniel's room. He knew Daniel was getting sick of staring at the same four walls and he hoped that Doctor Mendoza would soon allow Daniel to be taken outside in a wheelchair. Lost in thought for some new ways to keep Daniel from going bonkers in the hospital, Jack nearly bumped into Janet Fraiser.

"Doc?"

She gave him a brief smile. "Hello, sir." At his head shake she corrected herself. "Jack. Old habits die hard, I'm afraid."

"How is he today?" Jack asked.

She shook her head. "Frustrated, tired, wanting to leave. Sir, I think I should warn you. Doctor Molinari did some tests earlier."

"And?"

"His field of vision is reduced by twenty five percent. He's lost his peripheral vision in the left eye."

"Damn," Jack whispered. He'd hoped that Daniel wouldn't lose any vision. "I'll see what I can do, Doc."

"If Daniel doesn't put effort into his recovery he's not going to be able to function well on his own."

Jack nodded. But right now there seemed to be so little Daniel could do. Still confined to bed because of his leg, Daniel only had time to think of his new limitations. Jack hoped the promise of beginning to relearn how to walk in the next week or so would perk his lover up. Maybe Carter's and Teal'c's visit later in the day would also help. Jack made a mental note to track down Doctor Mendoza and find out if there was some way they could move Daniel outside for at least a half hour or so.

Taking a deep breath before entering Daniel's room, Jack pushed the door open with his hip and stopped right inside the door. Daniel was facing away from him, his right ear turned into the pillow and Jack knew Daniel wouldn’t hear his approach. Jack deposited the books and plant onto the table right inside the door and walked over to Daniel's bed. He placed his hand on Daniel's right ankle and heard the intake of breath at the touch.

"How's it going today, Daniel?" Jack asked. He waited until Daniel shifted and then moved towards the head of the bed and the comfortable chair that was placed there.

"Oh you know…same old, same old. Wake up, eat what they give me, wait for the doctors, sleep, wake up, eat what they give me, wait some more." Daniel's voice held bitterness. "Learn I've lost my peripheral vision along with the hearing in my left ear. Find out I don't have feeling along the edge of my hand when I spill hot coffee on it. Learn that no matter what I do I'm not going to be allowed through the Stargate again."

"Fraiser told you," Jack said. The look Daniel shot him held a trace of the old Daniel who would have faced down a Goa'uld.

"I think I could figure it out myself, Jack." Daniel formed a fist with the remaining fingers of his left hand and held it over his left leg. "I want out of here, Jack. I need to get out of here." His hand fell to his side as he let out a sigh. "Sorry."

"No need, Daniel." He walked over to the table and retrieved one of the books he'd brought. "I hope this is the one you wanted. One word, Daniel…organization."

"My office is organized. Just because you don't understand the system doesn’t mean there isn't one." Daniel accepted the book, glancing at the title. He placed it on his right thigh, fingering the cover. When he spoke again, his voice was barely audible. "When were you going to tell me?"

"What? That you couldn't go through the Gate anymore?" Jack plopped back down in his chair.

"No. That you resigned."

"Oh, that."

"Yes, that. Kind of a big that." Daniel gripped the spine of the book. He stared at Jack.

"It was more of a retirement, Daniel."

"Don't try to play semantics with me, Jack." Daniel pushed his head back on the pillows. "You didn't need to do it. Didn't need to retire, I mean. I don't need you to take care of me."

"I didn't do it for you, Daniel." Jack leaned closer. "Well, I kinda' did. But not really." When his lover continued watching him, Jack went on. "I'm sick of risking my life, risking the lives of the people around me. I was tired of hiding a whole part of my life, Daniel."

"What if I want to go back?" Daniel asked.

"Then you go back. It's up to you." Jack rested a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "I just know the time was right for me."

Daniel closed his eyes. "Yeah. 'Nothing endures but change.'"

"That a Daniel Jackson saying?" Jack didn't like the weariness in Daniel's voice.

"No, it's a quote by Heraclitus." Daniel sighed, his muscles tightening under Jack's hand. "Did you talk to Doctor Mendoza?"

Jack felt his stomach twist. The resignation with which Daniel spoke didn't bode well. "Not today."

"He's scheduled more surgery for later this week." Daniel moved one arm to cover his eyes, the sounds of his hitched breathing loud in the silent room.

Moving his hand to Daniel's neck, Jack began to rub a slow circle, feeling the tight muscles. There was nothing he could say to make it better. Daniel's leg had been severely damaged; tendons and muscles torn, bones broken, and he'd undergone two surgeries already. But another would mean a still longer hospital stay. Doctor Mendoza had explained they had been lucky to save the leg, but Jack was sure by this point Daniel didn't feel the same way. He couldn't fail to notice the pain shadowing Daniel's face even in sleep, the weight his lover had lost since the disastrous mission.

"Doctor Jackson?" Captain Jeremy Reese entered the room and Jack moved away from the bed, allowing the physical therapist to come closer. "It's time for your therapy."

Daniel nodded, putting his arm down. His face was pale and set. "Go, Jack. I'll see you later." Jack exchanged a quick look with Captain Reese at the flatness of Daniel's voice. He knew Daniel would sleep for a few hours after his therapy, the exercises exhausting him.

"I'll be back, Daniel," Jack reassured him, although he wasn't sure Daniel even cared. First thing on his agenda was going to be tracking down the elusive Doctor Mendoza and asking him if they could get Daniel out of his room for an hour or so.

The warm breeze wafted across Jack's arms and he looked over at Daniel. It had taken some doing, but Mendoza and Fraiser had given their blessing on Jack's plan to get Daniel outside for a little bit. The hour he'd hoped for had been cut back to thirty minutes, but neither Jack or Daniel was complaining. Daniel smiled at Jack from the reclining wheelchair. 

"This is nice, Jack," Daniel whispered. He looked out at the mountains. "Thank you."

Jack grinned back before sobering. "We need to talk, Daniel."

"Jack?" Daniel raised an eyebrow. "Talk?"

"Look, I know you're going through hell. But you need to fight this. You need to believe you're going to be able to get through it."

Daniel looked away from Jack, down at his leg. "I want to walk again, Jack."

"Then you will," Jack said. "You've never failed in anything you've set your mind to."

"I wish I believed in myself as much as you do," Daniel muttered and then yawned. "I'm tired, Jack."

And Jack knew Daniel wasn't talking about this impromptu jaunt outside. He stood by Daniel's side, cupping a hand on his lover's nape wishing he had a way to make it better and knowing that Daniel had to do most of this alone. The little chat Jack had with Doctor Mendoza made him realize just how hard all of this was going to be on Daniel, not to mention the specter of another operation on the horizon. The doctor explained they wanted to get Daniel up and exercising the leg but that the surgery was necessary. Mendoza believed Daniel would be able to walk but had confided in Jack that he thought Daniel would most likely need crutches for any ambulation.

Tugging at the blanket covering Daniel's thin frame, Jack smiled down at his now sleeping lover. For now the pain lines were eased and Jack rubbed his thumb lightly over Daniel's forehead. He looked at his watch, wondering how this half hour had gone by so quickly when the nights he slept alone in their bed dragged on. Jack let his hand rest a moment in Daniel's hair, then undid the brakes on the wheelchair, vowing to speak to the doctors and get permission to bring Daniel outside for awhile each day.

Fifteen minutes laterJack was wondering if the trip had been worth it since Daniel now lay in bed, his hands digging into the mattress as he rode out the pain from being transferred from the wheelchair into bed once more. A nurse came into the room.

"Doctor Mendoza's ordered a dose of your medication, Doctor Jackson. We'll get you feeling better soon." She injected the drug efficiently and smiled at him. "It will only take a few minutes to start working."

Daniel nodded and was unable to keep back a groan when the nurse left.

"Here." Jack reached out a hand. "Hold on." When Daniel didn't respond, he tapped the other man's arm. "Hold onto my hand. I promise you won't break it." Jack said nothing as his hand was suddenly gripped by Daniel's left one. He was surprised the strength Daniel had in it but said nothing as three fingers squeezed his.

"Sorry," Daniel gritted out between clenched teeth before sighing as the medicine began to work.

"Don't be. Just let it go," Jack whispered. He brushed back sweat-soaked hair. "Let the medicine do its job. Hey, did I tell you about what happened to Lou Ferretti when he tried to fix his daughter's tree house?" He didn't wait for an answer but kept up the light chatter until the hand in his loosened its grip. Jack didn't move for a few minutes, rubbing Daniel's warm fingers. Daniel's hand twitched in sleep and Jack pulled away, sitting back down in his chair and holding his head in his hands.

"Jack."

"Daniel." Jack bowed his head in acknowledgement, stepping aside as Daniel pushed past him in his wheelchair. "I thought you were going to call. Let me know you had a weekend pass."

Daniel shrugged. "I don't want to go anywhere." He stopped his progress and looked up at Jack. "I'm not ready yet."

"You are ready." Jack squatted beside the chair, resting his hands over Daniel's. "We can go out for dinner."

"In this?" Daniel gave a dismissive gesture to his chair.

"You can use your crutches." Jack held up his hand when Daniel opened his mouth to protest. "You were using them last week. Why not now?"

Searching his partner's face for the answer, Jack was worried when he realized he couldn't read Daniel's expression. Since Daniel had come to the rehab center a month ago, he'd always worked hard--determined to regain his health. Jack hated that Daniel didn't want him to visit more than once a week as if he had to face this hurdle alone.

Daniel sighed and then gave a little smile. "You're right. Maybe I should get out." He wheeled towards his room. "No steps," Daniel reminded as they entered his room. "I can't do steps very well yet." Jack watched as Daniel locked the brakes on his chair and grabbed his crutches from alongside the bed.

"Your choice, Daniel," Jack said as they started down the hall once again, automatically adjusting his pace to his partner's much slower one. It was truly amazing how far Daniel had come in one month, Jack thought. He sneaked a glance at the man beside him noticing the look of concentration that was usually reserved for studying some artifact or strange language. Daniel was still too thin, although the muscle tone he'd lost over the past few months was being regained. Mentally Daniel had seemed to adjust too. The anger Jack had seen before Daniel came to the rehab center rarely surfaced now. Getting up and moving under his own power, and the promise of being able to go back to work in two weeks, must have been the impetus Daniel needed to work harder on his recovery.

It was a beautiful late summer evening. Cool but not chilly. Jack led the way towards his truck.

"So...you're getting sprung next week, huh?" Jack asked. When there was no answer, no sign Daniel had heard, Jack mentally cursed himself and turned off the CD player. The noise of the CD added to the background noise of the truck, plus Jack speaking into Daniel's deaf ear, meant his lover couldn't hear him.

"Daniel?" he asked again, a little louder.

Daniel turned to him, smiling as he looked at Jack.

"You know where you want to go?"

"You pick, Jack. I don't care." Daniel turned away, looking back out the window.

Jack noticed Daniel kneading his upper thigh and wished he could do the massaging for him. But Daniel didn't appear to be ready for touching other than a brief rubbing of his shoulder or a quick kiss. Hell, he'd even called Fraiser to ask her if there was some other type of damage they hadn't detected. But she'd reassured him that no, it was most likely the medications Daniel was still taking. A sigh from the passenger side made Jack take his eyes off the road for a quick glance. Daniel had his head tilted to one side, drowsing already.

Jack took the next turn. Daniel didn't care where they ate. Why not at Chez O'Neill?

The knot in his stomach was growing bigger by the moment and Daniel pushed at the Kung Pao chicken on his plate, hoping that by spreading it out, Jack wouldn't notice he hadn't eaten much of it. His hopes were dashed when Jack frowned.

"Something wrong with the food?"

Quickly shaking his head, Daniel speared a piece of chicken with his fork and put it in his mouth. "No, I had a pretty big lunch," Daniel said after he swallowed the meat. "I'm full."

"Done?" Jack stood up, his hand hovering near Daniel's plate. Nodding, Daniel squinted up at him. The corners of Jack's mouth were turned up slightly as if he was trying hard not to smile.

"It's good to have you home, Daniel," Jack said, before grabbing the plate and stepping away.

Home. Daniel had thought he was going to feel happier being back in Jack's house where he belonged. Where they no longer had to hide their relationship. But he didn't fit. The same feelings that had haunted him since he woke up in the hospital after the mission weren't going away. It didn't make sense and he was too afraid to tell Doctor Mackenzie about the dreams where he was in a boat drifting further and further away from shore while those he loved remained behind. Besides, Doctor Mackenzie had been pleased with Daniel's adjustments and had pronounced him mentally fit. By all rights, he should be happy. He was alive, he was relatively healthy, he was coming home in a week, and going back to work in two.

"Let's go in the living room," Jack suggested as he finished putting the last dishes in the dishwasher. He stood by Daniel's side, his hand outstretched a little, but Daniel gained his feet without too much difficulty and followed Jack, being careful on the small step coming out of the kitchen. His heart was pounding by the time they sat on the couch.

"Oh God, Daniel." Jack slid his arm around Daniel's back and Daniel closed his eyes, relishing a touch that was given freely and that held love. "I miss you."

"Miss you too." Daniel turned his head into the side of Jack's neck, inhaling his lover's scent. He brought his hand up to touch Jack's face and just as quickly pulled it back down not wanting Jack to look at it. He curled it into a fist and arched his neck back as strong fingers kneaded the tight muscles of his upper back.

Harsh panting accompanied the kisses Jack was peppering across Daniel's collarbone. Daniel tensed as his shirt was tugged out of his slacks. He shook his head. "No."

Jack stopped immediately but his eyes reflected the hurt at Daniel's words. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no," Daniel rushed to relieve that fear. He placed his right hand on Jack's face. "No, Jack. I'm...the medicines...I can't..." He could feel his own face reddening with shame. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't even think...sorry." Jack straightened and wiped at his face. "I should have known."

"How could you?" Daniel shrugged. "It'll get better. I just need more time."

"Stay the night?" Jack asked. "I can fix up the sofa for you if you don't want to do the stairs. Or the spare room?"

"I want to sleep with you, Jack." Daniel did. He missed sleeping with Jack. It had been almost four months. He missed the snoring, the quiet murmurs Jack made when he was half asleep and thinking about the next day, the way his lover's arm rested across his hip, the heat of Jack's breath on his neck, the length of Jack's leg against his. He missed all that and he had nothing to offer in return. Jack was smiling again, Daniel noticed. Jack stood, holding out his hand to Daniel, the scarred eyebrow raised. Daniel reached out unthinking with his left hand and felt warm strong fingers close around his. He fought to not pull it out of Jack's grasp and allowed Jack to help him up. Adjusting the crutches Jack handed him, Daniel made his slow way towards the stairs, his mouth dry with the fear of falling.

"Point or six, Daniel?" Jack asked, his voice all warm concern and caring.

"Um...six," Daniel decided.

"Take your time. No rush," Jack said into his right ear and with the knowledge that Jack was behind him, Daniel found the task not quite as bad as he anticipated.

"Told you you could do it." Jack grinned at him. Daniel stood still in the hallway, needing a few minutes to catch his breath, but he nodded and smiled back at Jack. When he realized Jack was waiting for him to take the initiative in moving to the bedroom, Daniel headed down the hall on his crutches.

"Jack, I don't have anything to..." Daniel began to say but an old T-shirt and a pair of sweat pants were tossed in his direction and landed on the bed. "Guess I'll wear these."

Jack came back to his side. "You don't have to wear them for me." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Daniel picked up the shirt and sweats and draped them over his neck, aware of his brace, his scars. "Jack, I..." He ducked his head, his face hot once again.

"Hey," Jack placed a finger under his chin, pulling it up until Daniel was forced to meet his gaze, "we have the rest of our lives together, Daniel. We have all the time you need."

"Yeah." Daniel could only muster a whisper and he headed off to the bathroom alone, unwilling to let his scars be seen by his lover.

Enjoying the feel of the flannel sheets and the luxury of a large bed, Daniel stretched out while Jack went into the bathroom to take care of his needs. Jack had turned on the CD player they kept by the bed, one of Jack's operas filling the room. He pulled Jack's pillow close and inhaled his lover's scent, a smell that he had longed for in those interminable days in the hospital. When he would wake up and smell Jack's aftershave, the fear and panic would dissipate knowing that Jack would be there. He closed his eyes and turned onto his side, enjoying the sound of the muffled noise of the shower. He heard Jack singing along with the CD and shook his head. Jack may have liked opera but he wasn't going to be any competition for opera singers.

Daniel glanced at the clock and realized he'd forgotten to take his medication when he'd been in the bathroom. Sighing, Daniel began the long process of getting himself out of bed. Brace on and using his crutches, Daniel made his way to the bathroom. He didn't bother knocking knowing Jack wouldn't hear him anyway not with the shower running and what passed for Jack's version of singing. Daniel shook a pill onto his hand, tossed it in his mouth and froze as he caught sight of Jack in the mirror. The image was blurred of course because of the etched glass of the shower door but he could see enough. Jack had his head thrown back and the singing had stopped. Moaning filtered from the shower stall. The pill in Daniel's mouth was bitter and he spit it out into his hand, grabbing at his crutches and retreating back to the safety of the bed.

Feeling useless and inadequate, Daniel pulled the covers up around his neck. He lay in the bed he'd shared with Jack for two years, his imagination filling in the blanks he hadn't been able to see clearly; his lover jerking off in the privacy of the shower because Daniel couldn't provide what he needed. Hurt that Jack hadn't asked him to provide what he could, angry at himself for not being able to offer or work up the courage to go back in the bathroom, Daniel concentrated on taking slow, deep breaths to quell the rising nausea in his stomach. A shudder went through him as the music filling the room reached a crescendo. He closed his eyes as the shower was turned off, as he listened to Jack brush his teeth and gargle before coming out of the bathroom and sliding into bed next to Daniel.

"Danny?" Jack whispered, but Daniel pretended he was asleep. A soft, gentle kiss was placed on his temple and Jack stretched out behind him, his arm coming over Daniel's waist and keeping him in place. It wasn't long before Jack's breathing deepened and muscles relaxed. Daniel stared into the dark, recalling the tiredness that seemed to permeate Jack, the quickly hidden sadness when his lover looked at him. He had three PhD's; how could he have been so stupid? Jack was hurting as much as Daniel. Maybe he hadn't been the one injured, but Jack had been there for Daniel every step of the way.

Jack couldn't know, Daniel decided. He couldn't let Jack know the near constant pain, the fear of people looking at him in pity, the terror of failure. He'd promised Jack he'd do everything in his power to recover. If Daniel wasn't able to do it for himself, he'd do it for Jack.

Daniel rested his hand on top of Jack's and prayed for the strength to carry on.

"DanielJackson," Teal'c stood as Daniel gained his feet and balanced on his crutches, "I will assist you."

"No, Teal'c, I'm fine." Daniel lifted one hand to wave his friend back, but it appeared that Teal'c wasn't going to take no for an answer. He forced a smile he didn't feel to his lips and jerked his chin towards the plates on the table. "Okay. If you want to grab those, we can go load the dishwasher."

Teal'c bowed his head and gathered the dishes.

"Daniel, let em go." Jack made a sweeping gesture. "We can clean up after Carter and Teal'c go home."

"I want to do it now," Daniel said, keeping his tone light. "They'll just draw insects anyway."

"DanielJackson and I will handle the situation, O'Neill," Teal'c informed Jack.

"That's right," Daniel said. He moved towards the sliding glass doors and opened them, relieved to feel the air conditioned air drift over him. He was careful going over the threshold and stood aside to let Teal'c through the doors. He slid them shut, looking at Jack and Sam sitting at the picnic table on Jack's deck, Sam evidently explaining some experiment to Jack. 

The cool air felt good on his skin. The brace he now needed to wear was hot, and using the crutches was tiring work. Not to mention that he'd had a therapy session earlier in the day and they always left him exhausted. At least this evening was giving Jack a break. He knew caring for him was wearing on his lover; he also knew Jack wouldn't complain about it.

"Thanks, Teal'c," Daniel said. He motioned to the table. "You can just put them there. I'll load the dishwasher." Daniel balanced carefully and opened the dishwasher.

"I will do it, DanielJackson." Teal'c brought over the plates.

"No!" Daniel shouted and then looked at the floor. "I mean, no. You helped enough, Teal'c. I can do it."

"You are tired," Teal'c said. "DoctorFraiser said you are not to overtax yourself."

"I'm not overtaxing myself," Daniel bit out. "She won't even let me work a full day. Not that I could with the therapy schedule, but I'm not overtaxing myself."

Teal'c placed the plates on the counter. "You were gravely injured, DanielJackson."

Daniel kept his eyes down, focusing on his left leg and the hated brace.

"I regret that I was the cause of your injuries. That I am responsible for your maiming," Teal'c spoke, his voice low and soft. "You saved my life, DanielJackson."

"It wasn't your fault, Teal'c," Daniel said. "I should have figured out the warnings faster."

"Daniel?" The use of his first name had Daniel looking up into Teal'c's face. "I know you are unhappy. I do not wish you to be unhappy."

"I'm tired of it, Teal'c," Daniel whispered. "I'm tired."

"DanielJackson, for as long as I have known you, you have lived your life for others. Perhaps it is time you live for DanielJackson, my friend and brother."

"I promised Jack I wouldn’t give up." Daniel picked up one of the plates and balanced to place it in the dishwasher. "I'm sorry, Teal'c. I'm tired. It's been a long day." He plastered on the smile he'd learned to use over the past six months, the one he used with doctors, nurses, therapists, and Jack. "I'll do this later. We can go back out with Sam and Jack." He began the slow process of getting back to the deck.

"Night, Sam." Daniel risked letting go of his crutches to give Sam a hug and kiss. "Drive carefully."

Sam kissed him back and let her hand rest on his cheek for a moment. "Take care of yourself, Daniel. Your leg must be hurting you. Teal'c and I shouldn't have stayed so late."

"It was fun, Sam. Like…" Daniel stopped. It wasn't any use to dream about what used to be. Things were different now and he'd damn well better learn to get used to it.

"Night, Daniel. Sir, I mean, Colonel, Jack." Sam blushed and shook her head. "Sorry about that. Old habits die hard."

"Night, Carter." Jack came up on Daniel's right side, his arm a weight across Daniel's shoulders. "Night, Teal'c."

They stood on the deck watching Sam and Teal'c walk to Sam's car.

"Well that was nice, wasn't it, Daniel?" Jack turned and began gathering the rest of the picnic supplies.

Daniel nodded and opened the doors for Jack who was carrying everything. Following Jack into the kitchen, Daniel was again reminded of how useless he'd become—not even able to help with the simple clean-up from the picnic. He kept in the sigh he wanted to release and went back to the dishwasher.

"I can get it," Jack said, standing across from Daniel and already reaching for a glass. "You look tired."

"I'm fine." Daniel grabbed a handful of silverware and jammed it in the basket. "I said I'd do it."

Jack shrugged and moved away. "So how did the appointment with Doctor Mendoza go today? You did have one right?"

"I had one." The memory of the appointment brought a bitter taste to his mouth. The thought of yet another surgery was enough to start his heart racing. When Daniel had pressed, Mendoza had given him the truth. He might be able to lose the crutches at some point in the future, but the brace was most likely his new permanent companion. The surgery he'd had three months ago had done little to improve anything, although his reaction to the anesthesia had been a setback.

"What did he say?" Jack asked again.

"Nothing new." Daniel reached for another glass and nearly dropped it when a spasm of pain went through his leg. "I don't want to talk about it."

Jack grabbed his hand after he closed the door to the dishwasher. Daniel looked down at the small pill deposited there and then at the glass of water Jack was holding.

"Take it," Jack jerked his chin in the direction of the pill. "I can tell you're in pain."

Daniel gave a bitter laugh, "You can tell." When Jack looked confused he continued. "You can tell I'm in pain. You're not my keeper, Jack. I don't need a pill."

"C'mon, Daniel. I know you're hurting."

"You don't know anything, Jack." Daniel dropped the pill on the floor. "I'm sick and tired of other people telling me how my own body feels. I'm sick and tired of you trying to keep me drugged so you don't have to deal with my pain." He took a deep breath. "Yes. *My* pain. Not yours."

"Daniel, I…"

"I don't want a fucking pain pill, Jack. I don't want to take something. I want my brain to be my own." Daniel could hear his voice growing strident, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "I want my body to be my own. I'm sick of being poked and prodded. I want to be fucking left alone! You don't need to be my babysitter. I'm a big boy. Don't think I don't know why you resigned. Seems I managed to screw up your life along with my own. Oh, wait, I managed to screw up Teal'c's and Sam's too." His mind racing with pent up resentment and stress, Daniel kept going, not really aware of Jack's presence any longer. "I'm sick of the pitying looks. There goes Doctor Jackson, cripple. Didn't he used to be on SG1? Oh yes, before he screwed them all to hell." His tone grew mocking. "I see how they look at me. See how you look at me. I can see the disgust. I know what my scars look like. A freak." Daniel stopped, breathing hard. He could feel a trickle of sweat running down his neck, between his shoulder blades and realized he couldn't reach back to stop the itching without losing his balance.

"Feel better?" Jack asked, his voice calm and not betraying any emotion at Daniel's tirade.

"Just like you, isn't it? Big joke, huh?" Still furious, Daniel turned. He made his way to the stairs, hoping Jack wasn't following. Gritting his teeth he walked up the few steps and headed towards the spare room, the need to be alone and away from Jack's presence overwhelming. His breathing was coming faster and Daniel felt dizzy. He looked down the hall, the doorway to the spare bedroom seeming miles away. Daniel leaned against the wall, dropping his crutches. He let himself sink to the floor. He was just so damned tired. 

The kitchen was silent except for the hum of the dishwasher. Jack stood still, unable to bring himself to follow Daniel. Slamming his hand down on the counter, Jack cursed. Mentally berating himself for not picking up the clues, Jack started to follow his lover. He should have seen the signs. Should have noticed the falsity of Daniel's smile, realized the tension he felt as Daniel lay next to him in bed was more than weariness from therapy and work. He didn't know how he could have been so blind.

Daniel was right. For months now, Daniel's body hadn't been his own. Doctors and therapists, and Jack had to admit, him, had spent their time telling Daniel what he needed to do, what he had to accomplish, instead of letting Daniel lead the way. Daniel's brain hadn't been damaged by any stretch of the imagination and they'd all been guilty of treating him as if it had, as if by losing his fingers or part of his vision, he'd lost the ability to think for himself, to make his own decisions. Jack had thought he'd been helping Daniel all along, while now he realized Daniel might not be seeing it that way at all. And then his stupid comment. Feel better? As if Daniel didn't have the right to be angry any longer; as if he should have just adjusted and accepted his changed body by now. As Jack took the steps, he came to a sudden realization that Daniel had never grieved for what he'd lost. He had put on that determined demeanor and worked his ass off to gain back what he could and never once talked about how he felt about what was now missing in his life.

"Daniel?" Jack's mouth went dry when he saw Daniel slumped against the wall in the hallway, his braced leg straight out in front of him and his other leg drawn close to his chest. Daniel's head was down, resting on his upraised knee. Jack knelt down beside him afraid Daniel had fallen.

"Did you hurt yourself?" He hesitated before touching but couldn't keep himself from resting a hand on Daniel's hair.

The head beneath his hand shook and Jack was aware of a choking sound coming from Daniel. He twisted and slid against the wall, pulling Daniel close.

"I'm sorry, Daniel," Jack whispered.

Daniel took in a gasping breath and raised his head, looking at Jack, and shaking his head. "No. No. Sorry."

"Stop it." Jack held his lover's face between his hands, wiping at tears with his thumbs. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing."

"I can't." Daniel pulled away, out of Jack's touch. "I can't do it, Jack. I can't do it anymore. Not again."

As helpless as he'd felt months ago, Jack felt it tenfold now. Daniel had always been strong, rarely losing his control or composure, but it appeared Daniel had reached the limit of his endurance. The harsh sobbing continued and Jack had to listen carefully to understand the words when they came.

"I can't go through with it, Jack. I can't face another operation."

"Mendoza recommended more surgery?" Jack asked.

Nodding, Daniel gripped at Jack's shirt. "No hospital, not any more. I'm sorry. I know I promised."

"Wait, Daniel." Jack rubbed at Daniel's shoulders when the other man collapsed against him. "Promised? Promised who?"

"In the hospital. I promised you I'd do anything I could to get back to normal," Daniel said.

"For *you* Daniel," Jack whispered, his heart aching at the thought that Daniel had been under the impression it was only for Jack. "I wanted you to do it for yourself. I thought you needed it."

"I hate this, Jack." Daniel hit his fist against his leg. "I hate it. I hate not being able to sleep on my left side anymore, having to sleep on the other side of the bed. I'm tired of everyone trying to help me. I'm tired of needing help. Sometimes I wish that trap had been successful."

"You wish you'd died?" Jack could feel Daniel's body begin to relax as the release of all the emotion took its toll.

"Sometimes," Daniel admitted.

"I don't," Jack whispered into Daniel's hair. "I don't. I know it's selfish, but I'm damn glad you're alive, Daniel. I couldn't take losing you again."

"I miss going through the Stargate," Daniel said into the silence. "Working there and knowing I can't have it…" he shook his head against Jack's chest.

"What do you want, Daniel?" Jack asked.

"I don't know. If I did, I guess things wouldn't be so hard." Daniel sat up, rubbing at his leg.

"Let me massage it," Jack offered. He wasn't sure what the response would be. He only hoped it would be different than it had been for the past months. Except for the times Jack had seen Daniel in the hospital, he'd never seen the extent of the damage to the leg.

Daniel reached for his crutches and allowed Jack to help him stand. "Okay," he finally said. "Okay."

Jack didn't let go of his grip on Daniel's arm. "Let me help you, Danny." He felt the muscles tense under his hand. "You're nearly out on your feet. Lean on me. Let me do this for you."

The fight seemed to have gone out of Daniel. Jack had seen it before in some of his men—hitting the wall and needing time to regroup. He didn't speak, sensing Daniel needed silence. Guiding Daniel to their bed, Jack helped him sit on the edge. He placed his hands at the waistband to Daniel's sweatpants, looking up for permission. A quick nod was his answer. Tossing the pants into the closet, Jack then tugged at his lover's sweat shirt and pulled it off. He smiled down at Daniel whose glasses had come askew. He reached out to remove them only to be stopped by a hand on his forearm. Nodding in understanding, Jack bent down to remove the brace. A sigh escaped Daniel as Jack pulled off the contraption. Jack looked up to see Daniel lying back with his eyes closed.

"I'll be back in a minute," Jack whispered after touching his fingers to Daniel's cheek. He went in the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and towel. He stood at the sink, letting the washcloth soak in cool water and tried to stop the trembling in his hands. The reports he'd received from the doctors hadn't prepared him for the actual sight of Daniel's scarred and withered leg. It had been a miracle Mendoza had saved it. He'd had no idea. He shut off the faucets and wrung out the cloth, walking back into the room.

"Here, let's cool you off a bit." Jack sat on the side of the bed, using the cloth to wipe away the traces of tears and sweat from his lover's exhausted face. Daniel breathed a few shuddering sighs as the cloth caressed his face and Jack finally folded it in thirds and placed it on Daniel's forehead.

He stretched over Daniel's body and opened the drawer to the night table, searching for and finding the small bottle of massage oil Daniel had given him about a month before their last mission.

"You need to let me know if I hurt you at all," Jack said as he warmed a small amount of oil in his hands.

Daniel gave a sad smile. "It always hurts, Jack."

Jack paused, that simple admission of Daniel's making him know that of the two of them Daniel was the most courageous. He hoped his hands weren't too cold and placed them on Daniel's foot. Small grunts accompanied the massage as Jack moved up from the foot and ankle. Under his hands, Jack could feel the loss of muscle, the ridges of scars even without looking. He stopped once when Daniel lifted a hand, ready to stop but Daniel only reached up to take away the damp cloth.

Jack stroked Daniel's leg, surprised when his lover gave absolutely no reaction to his touch. The nerve damage spoken of became real when Jack realized Daniel didn't react because he didn't feel Jack's hand on his thigh. He glanced up at Daniel who still had his eyes closed. Jack bent down placing a kiss on the damaged leg.

Hands tangled in his hair and Jack moved his head, kissing Daniel's stomach and feeling his lover's skin turn to goose bumps at the touch.

"Jack," Daniel murmured.

"Not hurting you?"

"Good. Feels good," Daniel whispered. Jack blew air across the smooth skin of Daniel's abdomen and smiled at the shiver that shook Daniel's body.

"Can I…" Jack slipped his hand to Daniel's cock. It had been so long. First the long weeks of Daniel's recovery and then the effects of pain medication but still Jack didn't want to push. If Daniel needed more time, well, Jack had become best friends with his right hand over the last months.

Daniel turned his head and Jack straightened, his senses on alert.

"Daniel? Danny?" Jack asked, concerned he'd hurt Daniel in some way he didn't know.

"You want to? I mean…with this…" Daniel gestured down his chest towards his leg. He held up his maimed hand.

"I *love* you, Daniel. Do you think any of this matters?" Jack moved on his side, pulling Daniel close to him along his length. "It may sound like a cliché but I love you for what's inside, not the outward appearance." He placed a finger against Daniel's lips. "And the outward appearance is still pretty damn spectacular. I look at you and what I see is your courage. Badges of honor, Daniel." Jack took his left hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the stumps of the last two fingers. "When we brought you back through the Stargate, we thought you were going to die. I didn't think you'd make it and then when you first came out of surgery and Doc Fraiser said you had a chance, I knew you would survive. Because I know you, Daniel Jackson. Stubborn as you are."

"It's been so long, Jack." Daniel turned onto his side, facing Jack, his eyes reddened and puffy. "I've missed you."

Jack said nothing, stroking his lover's face. Little puffs of air touched his fingertips as he brushed them over Daniel's lips.

"Please," Daniel breathed. "Please."

It had been a long time, but Jack wasn't willing to rush the process. He took his time working his way down Daniel's body, spending time kissing each scar along the way, ignoring his own tears that fell on each as a benediction. By the time he reached his goal, Daniel was panting and lifting his hips off the bed in an attempt to get Jack to finish.

"My, my, we're not very patient, are we Doctor Jackson?" Jack teased as he nipped the skin at Daniel's stomach.

"I'm going to explode, Jack," Daniel finally gasped out. "Please."

Jack kissed the tip of Daniel's cock then and at Daniel's continued moaning, took part of it into his mouth. Months of control gave way then and Jack found his need as overwhelming as Daniel's. A hand grabbed his shoulder and dug in, Jack faintly aware of a good pain. Bitter and salt hit the back of his throat and Jack swallowed. He pulled away a moment later and rested his head on Daniel's stomach, his tears mingling with sweat as he panted. Daniel entwined his left hand with Jack's and Jack opened his eyes to study their hands, knowing as he always had they still fit together.

"More, Jack. For you," Daniel whispered. Jack raised his head. His lover was propped up on his elbows looking down at him.

"We're gonna'have to get a little creative," Jack said. "Your leg."

"When has that ever stopped us before?" Daniel grinned. The first real smile Jack had seen in months.

"Yeah, when has it?" Jack agreed and he got to his hands and knees, laughing with Daniel as the mattress wobbled as he crawled over it. He had a plan—now all he had to do was execute it.


"Thank you." Daniel snuggled back into Jack's embrace, his voice sleepy after their love-making.

"You're thanking me?" Jack nuzzled the soft skin at Daniel's collarbone.

"Yes. For letting me…for helping me…" Daniel shook his head. "I can't say it the right way."

"You don't need to, Daniel" Jack whispered. He turned onto his back, pulling Daniel along with him. "You're gonna' be sore tomorrow, I'll bet."

A bare shoulder shrugged under his hand. "Doesn't matter." Jack could feel the faint smile Daniel gave against his chest.

"So…what do you want, Daniel?" Jack asked, his fingers stranding through his lover's hair. "Tell me and we'll work it out."

There was a momentary tensing and Jack feared things might get worse, but Daniel soon relaxed and when he spoke, he sounded at peace.

"I'm not going to have the operation. Not now. I need time, Jack. I need time to relearn how to be in my skin." His voice was soft. "I want to leave the SGC." He laughed a little but even Jack could hear the sadness in it. "I think…I need to leave. There's something else out there for us. I don't know what it is or where it is yet, but it's somewhere."

"Then we'll discover it together, Daniel." Jack whispered back. He looked at the moonlight highlighting Daniel's hair. "A new adventure, a new chapter. Sounds good to me."

Eighteen Months Later

Pulling off his reading glasses and tossing them on the desk, Jack sighed dramatically and shut off his computer. Of course the theatrical sigh did no good since Daniel wasn't sitting at his desk behind Jack's chair. Jack smiled at the thought of Daniel. He checked the clock on the desk. Daniel was at the Colonial Farm taking a group of young campers on a tour. And, any time in the next hour or so, Carter, Colonel Carter, Jack reminded himself, Doc Frasier, and Teal'c were going to be arriving. He let his hand fall to the cat curled up in his lap and stroked her once.

"C'mon, your Highness, we've got work to do." The cat opened her eyes, yawned and promptly went back to sleep. Jack scooped her up as he stood. "Lazybones," he muttered as he went into the kitchen carrying her.

"Ouch," Jack stuck his hand at his mouth after Princess jumped out of his arms, sticking her claws out in the process. She regarded him from the counter, clearly expecting him to open a can of food for her.

"You are *not* getting food," Jack said, shooing her off the counter. "If you've gained any more weight when we take you back for your next check-up, Doctor Adams is gonna' kill me and Daniel."

Ignoring Jack's speech, the cat jumped off the counter and stalked over to the large window overlooking the wooded area behind their house and jumped up to the sill.

"Ha, don't think Daniel's going to give you any either," Jack muttered as he began pulling vegetables from the refrigerator. Beginning the mundane task of chopping and grating for the salad he was making, Jack let his thoughts drift. He wondered what folks of the SGC would think of Jack O'Neill now…living in a small Vermont town, totally domesticated, the excitement of his week the trip to the farmer's market in the center of town. He wasn't even sure himself how they'd wound up here. They'd gone to Florida for a few months after Daniel handed in his resignation, spending days soaking up the sun. Well, as much resigning as the government was going to let Daniel do, that was. Special hand delivered packages still found their way to Vermont, and a secure line allowed the SGC access to one of their most valuable assets.

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway and a dog's barking brought Jack back to the present and he pulled some plastic wrap over the salad bowl before putting it back in the refrigerator.

"Don't worry," Jack called as he stepped out to the back porch. "She doesn't bite." He bit back a laugh as he took the steps to the car where Carter, Fraiser, and Teal'c were currently trying to fend off a dog that insisted on greeting the guests properly by tangling herself between their legs. "Lucky, come over here," Jack commanded. The spaniel/shepherd mix looked at him and then began sniffing them once more.

"I can see she obeys you almost as well as Daniel does." Carter laughed then looked around. "Speaking of which…?"

"He's at work. He should be home in about an hour," Jack said. "I'll get the luggage." He went to the trunk, pulling out two suitcases, nodding his thanks when Teal'c grabbed the others. "How was the trip?" he asked as he walked up the stairs.

"Fine, sir," Fraiser said. "Are you sure this isn't an imposition? We could have stayed at that bed and breakfast you and Daniel mentioned."

Jack shook his head. "It's a big house, Doc. We have plenty of room. The Weldon House is full anyway. If you follow me up the stairs I can show you your rooms."

He had to admit he was pleased when Carter and Fraiser expressed their pleasure at their room. Daniel had discovered the beautiful woodwork under the coats of paint and had spent days uncovering it when they first moved in.

"Oh look at this." Carter pointed to a hand-thrown pot in shades of red and gold, reminiscent of the colors of the autumn leaves, filled with wildflowers from the back yard. "It's beautiful."

Grinning, Jack placed their suitcases on the chairs near the window. "Thanks. The colors were Daniel's suggestion. I didn't know how it would turn out but…" he stopped when Carter turned to him with her mouth agape.

"You made it, sir?"

Jack shrugged. "Yeah." At the women's surprised looks, he continued. "Well I had to find something to do with my time besides fishing." He opened a door and flicked on a light. "Your bathroom is in here. Teal'c is right next door. I'll let you unpack. Come down to the kitchen when you're done." He turned and left, hearing whispers behind him.

He knocked on Teal'c's door and entered at the 'come in.' He wasn't surprised to see everything was already put away.

"How are you, O'Neill? And how is DanielJackson?" Teal'c asked.

"We're doing good, Teal'c," Jack said. "And you can lose the hat here, buddy." He pointed to the cap Teal'c had pulled low over his forehead. "We're kinda' in the back of beyond."

Teal'c inclined his head and took off the cap. "May I assist you in any way, O'Neill? Do you need some meat burnt for our consumption?"

Jack laughed, clapping Teal'c on the shoulder. "Nah, I can handle that on my own. But come on down to the kitchen with me. You can catch me up on all the latest news from the SGC."

"O'Neill, are you insinuating that I should engage in gossip?" Teal'c didn't sound affronted by the suggestion.

"No, but let's face it, big guy, you know more about what goes on on that base than anyone else except maybe Fraiser." Jack led the way down the hall. "So let's have the scoop."

Daniel didn't recognize the car in the driveway at the house, but he shrugged as he got out of his own car. Probably someone come to look at Jack's pottery.

Ecstatic barking greeted his arrival as he limped towards the steps, and Lucky came barreling out of the house. Someday she was going to go right through the screen Daniel suspected.

"Hey there," he said, leaning over and petting the soft fur on her stomach. "Was Jack ignoring you all day again?" He said it loud enough for his lover to hear his words, the teasing a familiar routine.

"Yeah, I starved her again," Jack said, coming out onto the back porch followed by…

"Sam!" Daniel found himself rooted to the spot, as he was surrounded by his friends. "Janet, Teal'c. What are you guys doing here?"

"Surprise," Sam whispered into his neck as she hugged him tight.

"O'Neill invited us to celebrate your birthday," Teal'c added, resting his hand on Daniel's shoulder.

"Sneak," Daniel said, smiling up at Jack before looking at the others. "I don't know what to say."

He was aware of Janet's scrutiny, her medical eye taking stock of his condition.

"Do I pass inspection?" he asked her, trying to keep his tone light and teasing. Sometimes he thought she felt his leaving the SGC was a reflection of her as a doctor, a failure she couldn't mend.

"Yes," she whispered. "Yes you do." And he pulled her close for the hug she hadn't allowed herself.

Spending the afternoon taking a group of fifteen eight year olds around the Colonial Farm had taken its toll on his leg and Daniel tried to hide the limp as he went up the stairs on the porch.

"Why don't you go take a shower, Daniel?" Jack mentioned as Daniel reached him. "Get off the leg for a bit."

"We have guests," Daniel tried to keep his voice low.

"And you don't have to work until they go back home." Jack held open the door. He slid his cool hand onto Daniel's neck. "Go. I'm going to cook on the grill tonight. We'll wait until it gets darker."

"Yeah," Daniel sighed, enjoying the slight massage Jack was giving to tight muscles. "Tell them I'll be out as soon as I can."

Passing the staircase, Daniel headed for the master bedroom on the first floor—an amenity that had sold them on the house. Not to mention it meant that during the busy fall foliage season they had extra rooms to rent out. The linsey woolsey smock Daniel wore as an historical interpreter at the museum was draped over the back of a chair. He needed to remember to take that and his trousers to the laundry tomorrow. Limping heavily, he walked into the bathroom. He sighed as he pulled out the chair he used in the shower when his leg was particularly bad. Daniel placed it in the shower and then sat down to take off his brace. Propping the brace in the corner, he rubbed at his leg.

Although Jack seemed comfortable with Daniel's scars, looking at his own leg was still difficult for Daniel. He pressed his fingers into the skin of his thigh, kneading the remaining muscle. Staring at his hand, Daniel touched his thigh again; there were times his leg didn't seem a part of his body. With a sigh, Daniel stood and adjusted the water for the shower before stepping in. With a grateful sigh he sat on the chair and let the warm water wash over him. 

Conscious of the guests in their home, Daniel didn't waste much time in the shower. Maybe he could get Jack to massage his leg later tonight once everyone had gone to bed. He glanced at the brace as he dried off. Most evenings he didn't wear it and, although he knew it was vain, he didn't want to have to put it on while he enjoyed an evening with friends he hadn't seen for over a year. It wouldn't matter that it was hidden by his pants; he'd know it was there.

Carrying the brace in one hand, Daniel wandered into the bedroom looking at the bed and wanting nothing more than to stretch out full length on the comforter for a nap. He grabbed a pair of chinos and a shirt from the closet after sticking the brace inside and out of sight. He glimpsed the crutches there too and hoped he didn't need to use them in front of the others.

Ten minutes later, he looked at himself in the mirror, stuck his left hand in his pocket and walked back out into the living room. The sounds of talking and laughter reached his ears and he went to the back porch, smiling at the sight of Janet and Sam rocking on the rocking chairs Jack and he kept there while Jack and Teal'c stood down by the brick barbecue the previous owners had built.

"Daniel, here, sit down." Janet stood up as he opened the screen door.

"Sit down, Janet. I'm fine." He shook his head, trying to hide the flash of irrational anger at the assumption he needed to sit down.

Janet gave him an odd look but sat back down. As if she sensed the growing tension in Daniel, Sam began asking questions about the house—its age, how they found it, all the small talk to get the focus onto something else.

Daniel warmed to the subject quickly and began explaining the renovations he and Jack had done since moving in.

"What other secrets are you and the colonel hiding?" Janet asked in a low voice. "He said he made the pottery in our room."

"He did." Daniel felt a surge of pride at Jack's accomplishment. "He's quite good. He's been selling a few of his pieces when the village has their fall foliage festival."

"And what about you, Daniel?" Janet continued.

"I've been working at the Colonial Farm. It's a historical site and they needed volunteers. I usually do the tours." Daniel turned and leaned his back against one of the pillars on the porch, wiggling his fingers for Lucky to come and be petted. "We started an archaeological dig in the spring. The local school kids are having a lot of fun with it."

"Daniel, get the iced tea in the fridge," Jack called. "Soup's on, folks."

"Do you need any help, Daniel?" Janet asked, looking at him as she stood. She hesitated between following Sam or coming to Daniel's side.

"I can carry a pitcher of iced tea, Janet." Daniel saw the hurt blossom in her eyes at his tone and quickly smiled. "No, thanks. I can get it. You'd better hurry up, or Teal'c and Jack won't have anything left for you to eat by the time you get there." He shooed her away and went into the kitchen to get the pitcher.

'Not one of your smartest moves, Jackson,' Daniel thought as he made his way across the grassy yard. Each step seemed to pound from his foot all the way to his head, and by the time he sat down at the table he could tell he wasn't going to sleep unless he gave in and took a pill for the pain later on. He sat at the end of one bench so he could stretch out his leg. Janet sat across from him, next to Teal'c, and when he caught her glancing at his left hand when she passed him the rolls, he moved it to his lap. What the hell was going on with him? Trying to puzzle things out, Daniel didn't focus on the light conversation focusing instead on anger he hadn't felt for months.



Something was definitely rotten in the state of Daniel's mind, Jack thought as he passed the salad to Teal'c with a nod. Over the course of the picnic, his lover had gotten quieter, his earlier attempts at conversation fading. And in Jack's experience a quiet Daniel wasn't a good thing. Even Lucky's appearance by the table hadn't brought a smile to Daniel's face. Carter had insisted on sitting next to Daniel and Jack was on the other side next to the doc, so he was denied the ability to place a hand on Daniel's knee. He couldn't fail to notice the surreptitious glances Janet kept shooting in Daniel's direction. When she raised her napkin to her lips, but ducked her head in doing so, Jack saw tears shimmering in her eyes. Maybe it was time he found out what was going on. Most of the food had been demolished anyway and the mosquitoes were starting to find their prey.

"Why don't we move inside?" Jack announced. "There's strawberries for dessert." He stood, helping Fraiser up from the bench and then began gathering some of the food.

"I have it," Daniel snapped and Jack looked at him in surprise as Fraiser murmured an apology.

Watching Daniel walk across the grass, Jack realized the limp was more pronounced than usual after a day on his feet. He turned to the others giving them a smile. "Everyone want to grab a dish?"

It reminded him of old times, Jack thought as his former teammates grabbed the remaining dishes to take them to the kitchen. How many suppers had there been in all their years together? More than he could count, Jack supposed.

When they entered the kitchen, Daniel appeared to have calmed somewhat, although he stood rubbing his leg.

"Daniel, perhaps you should take some medication for that," Fraiser said and touched her hand to his arm.

"I don't need anything." Daniel's voice was low and dangerous as he jerked his arm out of reach.

"Uh, why doesn't everyone go into the living room?" Jack jumped into the fray. "Daniel and I will take care of cleaning up."

Waiting until the others walked out of the kitchen, Jack approached Daniel. It wasn't fair he knew, coming at Daniel from his left side, but it would serve the purpose of making him off guard.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Daniel?" Jack asked, keeping his voice to a whisper.

"I'm not doing anything." Daniel gripped the sink with both hands.

"That's a load of bull." Jack opened the cabinet and pulled out a small bottle of pills, dumping two into his hand. "Take them."

"I don't…"

"Take them. You're hurting." Jack thrust them towards Daniel once more, sighing in relief when Daniel took them. He waited until Daniel swallowed them and drank a glass of water. "Now spill."

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing up his glasses. "I don't want their pity." The words came out in a rush as if Daniel was ashamed to say them.

"They don't pity you."

"How do you know that, Jack?" Daniel turned on him. "I saw Janet looking at my…" he ducked his head, "my hand. And she's been watching me like a hawk ever since I got home."

"Because she cares about you, you idiot." Jack placed his hands on Daniel's shoulders, rubbing them. "You were her patient for eight years, Daniel. She can't just turn it off."

"God, I thought I'd be so happy to see them and all I can think is, 'What do they see?'"

"I'll tell you what they see. They see their friend who is alive and healthy." Jack shook Daniel a little. "They see someone who they love and miss very much. Believe me, Daniel; your scars don't matter to them."

"I thought I was over all of it. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore."
Daniel used his right hand to knead the palm of his left.

"I surprised you, and I probably shouldn't have," Jack admitted. "You're tired and you're hurting. How about we make it an early night tonight? Probably by the morning things will be back to normal."

Daniel took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll take care of getting the strawberries ready."

"Yeah," Jack smiled and leaned forward to give Daniel a quick kiss. "Take your time."

Sometimes, he'd learned over his years of knowing Daniel, the best thing for Daniel was to be left alone. Jack watched as Daniel started to slice the fresh strawberries and then went towards the living room and his friends.

"Sir, is everything okay?" Carter was out of her seat, her voice high and anxious.

"Daniel's leg is just a giving him a little trouble." Jack looked around the room. "Where's the doc?"

"I believe DoctorFraiser said she needed some time alone," Teal'c said. "She said she would go to the library you showed us earlier."

Jack nodded. "Excuse me. I'll go fetch her. I don't think she'll want to miss strawberries and ice cream."

"Don't worry, sir. We can keep ourselves entertained." Carter smiled at him, although her blue eyes were troubled.

"Carter, why don't we ditch the whole sir, Colonel, bit?"

"Will we ditch the Carter bit too?"

Jack sighed. "Yes, Cart…I mean, Sam."

"Very well, Col…Jack." Her laugh followed him down the hall.

"Doc, you in here?" Jack knocked at the door to the room he and Daniel had dubbed the library.

"Sorry, sir." Fraiser opened the door and he could see her eyelashes clumped together from crying. "I was just looking at your books. Yours and Daniel's I mean."

"Come here." Jack held his arms open and embraced her in a hug. It scared him to see Janet Fraiser cry, something he could only remember her doing when Daniel ascended. It made her somehow more human.

"Maybe I should go back home," she hiccupped when the tears were spent.

"No. No—you are not going home." Jack pulled out his computer chair for her to sit on and sat on Daniel's. "You were right, you know. He was in a lot of pain tonight." He raised an index finger and waggled it. "Uh, uh, never fear, I got him to take something for it."

"He can't forgive me," Fraiser said, looking down at her hands which she had twisted on her lap.

"Forgive you for what?"

"I couldn't fix him, Colonel. I couldn't give him his old life back."

"You saved his life, Doc. I think he's mighty grateful for that." Jack placed his hands on her knees. "He thinks you pity him."

"Pity him?" Her reaction was just as he expected. She gave an incredulous laugh. "My God, Daniel is doing better than I ever thought he would. He amazes me."

"Yeah, he has a habit of doing that doesn't he?" Jack smiled. "Look, I think all of this is just a little hard for Daniel to take in tonight. A good night's sleep and everything should be peachy in the morning."

"I could see how much pain he was in," Fraiser said. "I guess I need to put the doctor away for this visit."

"Might be a good idea, Janet." Jack handed her a wad of tissues from the box on Daniel's desk.

She took them, blowing her nose before standing up. After throwing the tissues in the wastebasket, she touched a book lying on Jack's desk. "Oh, a book by J.D. Neal. I didn't know he had one. Is this new? I love his column."

"Views from the Village?" Jack asked. He picked up the book and handed it to her. "And yes, it's new. Just a collection of columns and a few essays written for the book."

She opened it, scanning the dedication. "For D as ever, as always." Looking up at him, her eyes widened. "You're J.D. Neal?"

Jack grinned. "Yeahsureyoubetcha. But for now, let's just keep that our little secret, okay?"

"No problem, sir." Fraiser clutched the book tight to her chest as they left the room.

Low voices reached his ears as they walked down the hall. He saw Fraiser pause before entering the room. Looking over her shoulder he saw why. Teal'c and Carter were talking in quiet voices while Daniel sat in one of the chairs half asleep.

"Hey, Daniel." Jack stood behind the chair, resting both hands on Daniel's shoulders. Daniel tilted back his head, looking at Jack in confusion before giving a slow smile.

"Jack."

"How about you go to bed? You're snoozing here, buddy." It was a measure of Daniel's exhaustion that there was no argument. Jack helped him out of the chair and held on a moment until Daniel got his balance.

"Sorry, guys." Daniel yawned into his hand. "Good company, huh?" He began limping in the direction of the bedroom, stopping beside Fraiser. Jack saw him touch her tentatively and give a hesitant smile. He murmured something too low for Jack to hear but whatever it had been it brought a sad smile to the doctor's features.

"I think maybe we should get to bed, too, sir… Jack," Carter corrected when he raised a finger. "It's been a long day."

"If you need anything just let me know." Jack saw them to the steps. "If you get up early, coffee maker is in the kitchen, juice is in the fridge."

Teal'c waited while the women went up the stairs before he came to stand by Jack's side. "O'Neill, it is indeed good to see you again." He grasped Jack's forearm. "DanielJackson has a warrior's heart. It pains him to show weakness, even before friends."

"I know," Jack said before returning the warrior's handclasp.

"We will remind him that his scars are those of honor, not shame." Teal'c bowed his head and left Jack standing alone in the room.

Despite the medication he'd taken, Daniel wasn't asleep. Jack got undressed quickly and crawled into bed next to his lover, pushing Princess off his pillow as he did every night. "Scat, cat."

Daniel chuckled and then winced. He waved his hand until he latched onto Jack's arm.

"Breathe through it, Danny," Jack said, moving into position to begin a massage of the cramping muscles. When Daniel's hand fell off of his arm, he knew the combination of medicine and massage was working. He patted the bed next to Daniel's leg. "Come on, girl. Up here." Jack petted Lucky's silky ears as she stretched herself out alongside Daniel's bad leg. "You're a good girl," Jack said. Daniel began petting the mutt and she licked his fingers before yawning. A sigh escaped Daniel's lips.

"Better?" Jack asked as he kissed Daniel's forehead and then smoothed the pain lines with his fingers.

"Better," Daniel whispered. "I was a real ass with Janet wasn't I?"

After stuffing some pillows behind his back, Jack reached down and rested his hand in Daniel's hair, letting the fine strands slip through his fingers. "Yeah. I'd say on the ass scale you'd probably rate an eleven out of ten."

"That bad." Daniel didn't open his eyes to look at Jack.

"That bad. In the morning, Daniel. She knew you were hurting tonight." Jack pulled a book and a pair of reading glasses off the night table. "Go to sleep, okay?"

"Mmmhmm." Daniel licked his lips once and then turned his head away from Jack.

Green eyes regarded him from the floor.

"You may as well join the crowd," Jack grumbled as the cat hopped up to his lap and curled up in a ball purring loudly as she did so. "You're spoiled rotten you know that?" he asked, but he placed a hand on her back as he started reading his book.

Daniel sneaked a glance at a still sleeping Jack as he pulled a sweatshirt from the drawer. He didn't suppress his grin at the sight of Princess curled up on the top of Jack's pillow. For Jack's supposed dislike of cats, he certainly managed to spoil her. Feeling better after a night's sleep, Daniel adjusted his crutches and made his way to the kitchen. He opened the back door to let the cool morning air in and Lucky out. The crutches were a necessary evil today he knew, and despite the shame he'd felt yesterday in front of the others he was determined to ignore what he couldn't do and focus on what he could.

He soon had coffee brewing and began rummaging in the refrigerator for supplies to make omelettes. Straightening after finding some red peppers and mushrooms, Daniel was startled by Janet.

She grabbed one of the peppers before it fell to the floor and offered it back to him.

"Just put it on the counter, Janet." Daniel deposited his own supplies there. 

"I didn't mean to sneak up on you, Daniel."

Daniel pointed to his left ear and eye and shrugged. "Don’t worry about it." He looked at his feet before meeting her eyes. "Janet. About yesterday. I'm sorry." When she shook her head, he continued. "I was rude to you. Taking something out on you that wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. I don't want to ever hurt you." He held out his hand in apology, unsure if he'd broken something that couldn't be fixed.

"If you think I'm settling for a hand shake, you have another think coming, Daniel Jackson," Janet said and moved in close to embrace him. 

Returning the hug, Daniel bent and rested his cheek on Janet's hair. "I never thanked you, you know?"

Janet pulled away, looking up at him and cocking her head to one side. "Thanked me?"

"Doctor Mendoza told me if you hadn't acted as quickly as you did, you know, all your trauma work on me, that I would have lost the leg and most likely my hand. I never told you thank you for that." He held up his left hand, turning it palm up. "Thank you, Janet."

Janet took his hand between her two smaller ones, tracing her fingers over his palm, over the smooth stumps where his ring finger and pinky had been. "I wish.."

"Don't," Daniel interrupted. "Don't. No regrets, Doctor Fraiser."

She smiled up at him before turning away. When she looked back at him, her eyes were free of tears. "None at all, Doctor Jackson."

"Friends?"

"Friends, Daniel." She glanced at the coffee maker. "Now how about you give me a cup of your famous coffee?"

"At your service," Daniel moved to the other end of the counter to get some mugs from the shelves. He poured her a cup and carried it to the table before getting a cup for himself.

"Sugar's on the table," he pushed it towards her after sitting down.

"You really should try it, Daniel." Janet laughed after she added two heaping spoonfuls of sugar.

"I'm a purist," Daniel said and leaned back, savoring the hot brew. They sipped the coffee in silence. He frowned into his empty cup. "More, Janet?"

"Thanks," she held up her mug for him. Daniel was aware of her eyes on him as he filled her cup and then made another trip to fill his own.

"Do I pass inspection?"

"You get along very well, Daniel. Doctor Mendoza would be ecstatic." Janet twisted in her seat. "Do you need the crutches often?"

"When I've been on my leg a long time or Jack and I are going somewhere where I will be." Daniel shrugged. "I overdid it for the past week. But crutches don't exactly allow you to get down in an excavation site."

"So that's what you've been doing." Jack came into the kitchen carrying their cat.

Daniel shook his head. "I'm making sure Doctor Adams knows you're the one who spoils the cat and keeps her overweight."

Jack put Princess on the floor and watched her stalk over to Janet and rub against her legs. He grabbed a mug and brought the coffee pot to the table. "Carter and Teal'c are getting up too. You want me to cook?" he asked as he scanned the counter.

"Nah, I'll do it." Daniel filled his coffee mug again and took a sip before placing it on the table. "Omelettes okay with everyone?" he asked as his friends gathered around the table.

"No mushrooms in mine," Jack reminded him. "Cheese only."

"Cholesterol, Jack," Daniel said as he began chopping mushrooms.

"Ha. See if I take you along to Ben and Jerry's." Jack got up to pull the juice and milk from the refrigerator.

"Cheese and vegetables, Jack." Daniel gave in and smiled as he began to cook. Behind him the others started chatting, catching up on news from the SGC. The thought of a day in the company of friends he hadn't seen for over a year filled him with a sense of comfort and excitement. He loved the life Jack and he had made for themselves here, but there were times he missed stepping through the Gate. At least he didn't feel totally out of touch since he still provided consultation to the base. Jack was the one who had surprised him. Those first weeks in Florida when Daniel had finally been released from rehab had shown him a side of Jack Daniel had only glimpsed before. Jack had begun writing then, little essays and snippets of the natural world around them. When they'd found the house in Vermont, Jack spent every day writing down his observations of the view from the back porch, recording the changing seasons. The local paper had a need for an extra column when their oldest reporter retired and Daniel had urged Jack to submit the essays for consideration. Surprised when the paper actually accepted them, Jack began his second career. A newspaper editor in Boston subscribed to the weekly paper from Greenton, his hometown, and tracked Jack down with a plan to distribute the column to more papers. His lover had been resistant at first but once he and Daniel discussed it and decided that it would be possible to hide Jack's identity, Jack had launched into the new endeavor with enthusiasm.

His own journey to find his place in their new life together had been a little rockier. A fall in town when they'd been settled here for a few months had scared him and Daniel spent a few weeks holed up in the house, afraid to venture out again. Jack's suggestion that they visit the local historical sites, and actually forcing Daniel out of the house, started the recovery process once more. Mrs. Pierce, the older woman in charge of the site, certainly wasn't going to let a prize like Daniel slip through her fingers. Between her and Jack, Daniel hadn't stood a chance.

Breakfast was relaxing much to Daniel's surprise. Remembering his conversation with Jack the night before, Daniel found it wasn't hard to fall back into the old teasing and bantering they'd enjoyed and he found himself laughing along with the others at various memories they shared.

Jack had called him stubborn and determined more than once in their relationship--he guessed Jack wasn't too far off the mark. The gift Jack had given him for this birthday was the best he'd ever received. His friends, no, his family, together once again.

"I think I know why you wanted to live in Vermont, Daniel," Sam teased as they approached the headquarters of Ben and Jerry's a few hours later.

Daniel twisted in the front seat to look back at her. "What more could I want?" He held up a hand when Jack opened his mouth. "Don't answer that, Jack."

The moment of truth arrived, Daniel thought as Jack pulled into the line of traffic heading up the road. Jack reached in the sun visor and pulled down the handicapped tag, hanging it over the rearview mirror. His lover glanced over at him and Daniel smiled back.

"It's okay, Jack." He covered Jack's hand with his own when it was placed on his thigh. "It's okay."

Jack smiled at him. "I love you, Daniel," he mouthed and Daniel squeezed his hand. Jack and he rarely used public displays of affection, making the few small gestures they did indulge out of the privacy of their home all the more precious to both of them.

Daniel didn't argue or protest when Jack suggested he sit and wait for the rest while they bought tour tickets after he took a look at the long line. He sat on a bench, enjoying watching the families and other groups. The sun was shining and the air was warm. A perfect summer's day.

"Is this seat taken?" an elderly man with a cane asked.

"Not at all." Daniel started to bring his crutches around to stand when the man waved a hand at him.

"Stay sitting, young man." A smile graced the worn features as the man settled onto the seat with a sigh.

Keenly aware of the other man's scrutiny, Daniel tucked his left hand into a fist and pulled it close to his body. The man said something that Daniel didn't catch since he was looking for Jack's progress in the line.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't hear.” Daniel turned to face the man. He pointed to his left ear in apology.

"Were you in the service?" the man asked.

Surprised by the question, Daniel shook his head. "No, I...well, I was a consultant for the Air Force." He thought it wouldn't still hurt to say it months later. "I'm an archaeologist."

"Ah," the man rubbed at his own leg. "Thought maybe you were overseas."

"No." He wondered what would happen if he pointed to the sky and said, 'No but I've been on other planets.' Suddenly aware he was sitting next to someone who was most likely a veteran from World War II, Daniel asked politely, "You?"

"Germans," the man said. "But it happened a long time ago." He cocked his head and looked straight at Daniel. "I don't know where you were or what you did, but I have the feeling you saved a few lives getting that," he said pointing to the just visible edge of Daniel's brace.

Daniel shook his head, beginning to feel uncomfortable. He'd only done what he needed to do. His injury was nothing compared to the sacrifices of the generation of the man sitting next to him. "I didn't do anything special."

"Don't sell yourself short. It's not only soldiers who fight the wars, who sacrifice." The man bent forward a little, tapping one of Daniel's crutches with his cane. "You'll get used to it, young man. You have a whole life ahead of you. It's not what's on the outside that's important now, is it?"

Daniel smiled. "No, no, sir, it isn't." And he realized for the first time in months that the words were actually true.

Jack settled in his favorite chair as Carter took the couch next to Daniel. The tour had been fun and on the way home Jack and Daniel had taken the others to a favorite restaurant and showed off some of the scenery of their newly adopted state.

A soft growl from the couch caught Jack's attention.

"Lucky," Daniel warned but the dog continued to growl at Carter who scooted over to the next cushion.

"She's very...protective," Jack explained. He snapped his fingers and pointed to the floor but Lucky would have none of it, still guarding Daniel from the intruder. Jack knew how Carter felt. The first month they'd had Lucky he'd had to tread carefully, lest the dog take his moves towards Daniel as attacks.

"It's funny, Colonel. I would have thought you were the dog person," Fraiser piped up from the loveseat she was sharing with Teal'c.

"I was supposed to be the dog person," Jack said, his gruffness easily seen through. "And I got the cat."

"More like she's got you, Jack." Daniel grinned at him. He continued petting Lucky and whispered something to her.

"Hey Teal'c. You want to take her home with you?" Jack offered pointing at the cat curled up in Teal'c's lap.

"I do not believe the Air Force would approve of a domesticated feline in the SGC," Teal'c said, his fingers rubbing a pattern in Princess' fur, "which is most unfortunate."

"Don't let him fool you. Jack wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to the cat." Daniel smiled at Sam as Lucky decided that she wasn't a threat to her beloved master and gave a tentative lick to Sam's fingers. "He was the one who started feeding her. I told him that if you start feeding a stray, the cat is going to stick around."

"She came with the house. We couldn't let her starve to death," Jack said. It wasn't his fault the cat had become totally attached to him and only turned to Daniel if Jack wasn't around.

"Indeed you could not, O'Neill. That would have been cruel, DanielJackson," Teal'c spoke up.

"And Lucky? Another stray?" Carter asked. Now that the dog had decided she was no threat, Carter had a friend for life, Jack knew.

"Pound," Jack said. "We went looking for another cat."

He'd herded Daniel out of the house one day after the fall in town. Still self conscious of his limp and brace, still hiding his hand in his pocket and unsure of himself in any situation where there was more than one person, Daniel hadn't wanted to go in to the local animal shelter telling Jack to go pick out a cat by himself. He'd opened the passenger side door and waited until Daniel pulled himself out with a sigh.

"She picked Daniel." Daniel's little smile at the memory brought a smile to Jack's lips.

Jack had stopped at the front desk, asking about any cats they had and explaining about the stray they'd found while Daniel disappeared through the double doors. He'd found Daniel halfway down the rows of cages speaking in a gentle voice to a straggly mutt that had half her hair shaved off. The mutt had been watching Daniel intently, her tail wagging as he spoke. It had only taken one glimpse of Daniel with the dog to have Jack heading back to the counter to ask if she was available for adoption.

They'd left the shelter an hour later with one dog who needed a lot of TLC according to the staff and one wounded archaeologist who needed something to take his mind off himself.

"She didn't let Jack near her the first week," Daniel chimed in. "Her previous owner was...let's just say, Lucky went through a lot before we got her."

Walking Lucky each evening became a new form of therapy for Daniel and slowly the dog and the man healed and grew healthy together.

"I'm glad you rescued her," Sam said as the dog curled up on her lap.

Daniel smiled and said nothing, while Jack thought the rescue had been mutual.

"Maybe tomorrow we can go out to the Colonial Farm. I can give you a tour."

"Do we get to see you in your costume, Daniel?" Fraiser teased, bringing a laugh from Daniel.

Seeing Daniel relaxed and happy with his friends had Jack wondering if they should consider moving back to Colorado. There was no reason Daniel couldn't go back to full time consulting with the SGC if he chose. Maybe the time away from the place had been what Daniel needed.

He looked at the wooden beams that crossed their ceiling and realized the house had become a home somewhere along the line. Jack liked the view from the back porch, the way the sunset spread a rosy glow across the hardwood floor of the living room, the creaks and groans they heard late at night in the winter as the house settled, the yard he mowed faithfully, and the little office with their chairs back to back. He'd leave in an instant if Daniel said he wanted to go, but part of Jack's heart would remain behind in the walls.

They talked far into the night, spending time in memories that they'd never lose and sharing dreams for the future. Jack looked at Carter, her head tilted to one side as she related a story of an experiment gone wrong in her lab, realizing how much he admired her as a soldier and a scientist. Fraiser was sitting cross-legged on the loveseat, her chin cupped in one hand as she smiled at Carter's words. Small but mighty, Jack thought, someone he'd trust not only with his life but with the lives of those he loved. Teal'c looked away from Carter and met Jack's eyes. Jack raised his bottle of beer in a salute. Teal'c smiled, one warrior to another. He bowed his head. Jack felt humbled when he thought of all he owed to the people in this room. He finally looked at Daniel, someone he loved more than he thought possible, someone who loved him back without hesitation, the one and only person who had been capable of reaching into the core of ice Jack had built around his heart and melting it.

Damn, he was one lucky SOB.

"Cold air, Jack," Daniel said as Jack crawled in bed beside him a few hours later.

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