COLONEL JACK
O'NEILL
::
DON'T fall for that 'Come here' line AGAIN. You weren't anywhere
NEAR the frigging transporter rings, not that second time.
::
After being caught in his living room clutching a corsage to your
chest, why were you surprised your "I'm NOT that kinda guy!" was
unconvincing? Accept that the only action you'll be seeing ISN'T
the action you're used to.
::
Keep telling yourself it's down to your Special Forces training, that
you're just willing to do anything in order to survive. That's
all. Survival. It's got nothing to do with how good he is
at - lighting your candle.
::
Lying back and thinking of C-Span does NOT help with all that
embarrassing screaming. Insist he tells everyone you're being
ruthlessly tortured for information. Five times a night and as
often through the day as you can both fit it into your busy schedule.
::
If his hand is hovering anywhere NEAR a button marked "Fire" or
"Armed", forget your dignity, strip for your life. This saves
wear and tear on futile attempts to empty a magazine into him through
the impenetrable shield. Drop your drawers. He'll come for
you.
::
Rationalise your complete failure to escape his naked, sweaty
clutches. When the rebels finally get their act together, they
won't need to worry about introducing some bimbo in a push up bra as a
fifth columnist, cause you're already in the inner sanctum. Often
as you like, just bat your eyes and say the word. Don't bother
him with it unless the bitch won't fuck off and die when you tell her
to.
::
Don't refer to the Evil Overlord as your little Space Monkey while he's
terrorising the world's leaders via live satellite feed in the Bunker.
::
Remember the Evil Overlord's trigger finger gets itchy every damn time
you tell him he's cute in jammies.
::
Enjoy the gilding on your wide screen, anamorphic, digital stereo
surround sound every channel on the goddamn planet cage.
::
Don't spill beer on the defence system command chair while utilising
the viewing screens in the Bunker to watch hockey. Drives him
crazy.
::
Don't own up it was you who ordered the shark that ate his fish.
Blame the evil henchman of your choice.
::
Remember he didn't build the defence system JUST so you could get a
KILLER refresh rate on your Dreamcast live gaming.
::
Try not to feel guilty about his trusted lieutenant buying the
farm. He is one of the bad guys after all. His own damn
fault for trying his hand at blackmail. The Evil Overlord does
not need to know it was YOU who had both the crack Special Forces
rescue teams firmly escorted from the premises, empty handed.
::
No matter how much your feelings are hurt (because, no matter what he
says, he goddamn WAS flirting with the Air Force hostage negotiator,
Major "Yes Dr Jackson, Paul is fine" Davis) venting them in hysterical
tirades does not make the world a safer place. Although the
make-up sex is - no.
::
Even though the Evil Overlord is NOT a morning person, he still didn't
see the funny side of your email to the world's leaders requesting them
to limit their attacks on the Bunker to any time between twelve hundred
and eighteen hundred hours. Refrain from humorous emails.
::
Make sure the sycophants never again pass off instant as premium
Colombian roast. The fate of every Starbucks employee trembled on
a knife's edge for several minutes.
::
Try not to gloat TOO much over Kinsey when you both make a point of
calling down to his cell every morning on your way to walk Kinsey's dog
and the Evil Overlord can't resist a little 'look at me funny and you
will be mercilessly killed' teasing. Just because it's never
happened yet, doesn't mean it won't happen ever.
::
Allow the Evil Overlord ONE hour with the TV remote every night, purely
for the sake of WORLD peace, not yours.
::
The Evil Overlord cuts you a lot of slack, but he DOES draw the line at
you putting him down for his afternoon nap because he's a growing boy
and needs his rest. When the Evil Overlord gets THAT pissy, kiss
him, tell him you love him and get in the bed with him.
::
If in doubt, get butt naked. The perfect proportional response.
Works every damn time. The peoples of the world will thank you
for it, one day. HE’LL thank you for it right now.
Colonel
O’Neill (USAF, SO retired I’m horizontal most of the time)
I’m
being kept in a manner to which I’m becoming ENTIRELY too
accustomed...Jesus! ANOTHER rescue? Whadda I have to
DO?? Those guys just CAN’T take the hint!
FINIS
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