"Sit
down!" I yell.
Both
combatants freeze, shoot apologetic looks at me and hateful looks at
one another, then sullenly subside onto the log I indicated.
"You
are being VERY naughty and I'm very disappointed in you both," I say
sternly.
"BOTH?
Ha! SHE started it. She pushed ME first!" The brown eyes are filled
with mean spirited triumph.
Big
blue eyes swim with tears as a shamed blonde head is dipped to avoid my
gaze.
"That's
unkind, Jack. If you hadn't been teasing Sam, she wouldn't have pushed
you."
Jack
folds his arms across his chest and pouts.
"He
was MEAN," Sam supplies in a trembling voice.
It's
been a very long, very trying day. In a way, you could say we've found
the 'fountain of youth'. Certainly to the extent that after falling
into it, the behaviour of Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha
Carter has bottomed out somewhere around kindergarten level. I 'm doing
my best in loco parentis, but really, I quite lack Teal'c's gravitas.
I
know he's out there, laughing at me, doing the grown up stuff
collecting those samples of the local flora the biochemistry people
wanted, while I - I'm stuck here with the little ones.
A
surreptitious shove catches my eye. "Jack!"
Sam
realises she has the upper hand and lets out an unconvincing wail.
Jack
eyes her critically. "If you don't shut up I'll give you something to
cry ABOUT, Samantha Carter!"
Sam
whirls around and sort of karate chops Jack high in the chest, knocking
him clean over the back of the log and sprawling onto his butt.
Jack's
open mouthed fury and astonishment at being bested by a 'GIRL' are so
irresistibly cute I can't help grinning, while Sam's tears are
instantly replaced by giggles.
"Sam!"
I quell her gloating as Jack boils up to retaliate. I move smoothly
between them and place my arms carefully on his shoulders, patting his
cheek to gain ALL of his attention. Jack gives me a sweet little smile
then hugs me close before I can fend him off. We both hear the
indignant snort from somewhere around log level behind my back, which
only makes Jack redouble his exuberant efforts.
Did
I mention they were squabbling? Relentlessly. Every agonisingly slow
step back to the gate for over four hours. And just what is it they are
squabbling over?
Teal'c
and I had been a short distance away from Jack and Sam, and were only
alerted to their condition when an argument reverberated through the
clear, carrying air of the valley we were surveying. The main
constituents of that argument being 'does - does not - does too - a few
distressing thuds - an OW! and an I'm telling DAD!' at varying levels
of volume, shrillness and indignation.
Teal'c
and I rushed to their assistance and in the general mêlée
of confiscating weapons and anything with which two combat trained
small children could hurt themselves, or, to be more accurate, each
other, the reason for the battle became clear. Sam was very upset when
I firmly removed her MP5 from her grasp, though I insisted because the
look on her face strongly suggested Jack only had seconds to live. In
fact, she burst into tears, and in a desire to console the heart
rending sobs I made a fatal mistake. I put my arm around her and hugged
her in tight to my side. Next thing I knew she was sing songing
"Toldya!" in accents of unmistakable triumph while Jack's little face
just fell. He was crushed.
Teal'c
had the Jaffa equivalent of hysterics, quirking an eyebrow and ordering
me gravely to hug Jack as well.
I
did so. Who wants the responsibility of a Black Ops trained pseudo-five
year old with a grudge? Jack snuggled in enthusiastically, but then got
a little carried away and picked me up off my feet. He took a lot of
convincing to let me go. I had to threaten to kiss Sam before he
grudgingly submitted, with an ostentatiously ill-tempered grunt.
After
watching me - er - manipulate those two for a short while, Teal'c threw
me to the toddlers and strode off to complete our mission.
It
has not been easy. We stayed by the waterfall for a while, and they
both very much enjoyed helping me collect water samples. They were
quite competitive over it, but just so long as I divided my attention
between them, not actively hostile. I praised them extravagantly for
being good and peace reigned.
My
best guess is that some constituent in the water is disrupting their
brain chemistry. The language centres of their brains, their memories
and skills, all seem unaffected. The impact is behavioural. Quite
fascinating. It's as if the whole process of socialisation has been
undone. They aren't really behaving like children, their ruthless
self-interest merely translates as the behaviour patterns we associate
with small children. They want what they want and they want it now,
with no thought to the consequences or to the needs of others.
They
want me.
Sam
wants her kiss. If Sam gets her kiss, Jack wants one too. He won't be
moved on that, and I refuse to kiss Jack so Sam is going to have to do
without too. So they've been pouting, arguing and squabbling endlessly,
jockeying for my attention, gloating offensively when they get me, and
crowing over the discomfiture of the forlorn reject. It's VERY trying.
A tiny, tiny part of me wishes it wasn't morally objectionable or
psychologically damaging to put them both over my knee and smack them
soundly. Reason doesn't work at all. They don't know the meaning of the
word. I've done so much yelling I'm starting to feel like Jack in
full-on military hardass colonel mode.
Sam's
motivations for wanting her kiss are very much sisterly affection cum
getting one over on Jack. Crystal clear.
Jack's
motivations are less obvious. Um - well, they were pretty damn obvious
when he was hugging me. So blatantly obvious I couldn't miss it,
pressing up against me - um - He might be acting like a five year old
but he's a five year old with a very specific agenda. A very grown up
agenda.
It's
not an agenda he has hitherto chosen to share with me, so I'm doing
everything in my power to help him emerge from this little fiasco with
his dignity intact and his secret preserved. I have a firm belief you
should allow no confidences you know a drunken friend would not share
with you while sober. This is exactly the same.
Ah.
I'm wrenched free of my reverie. Jack's getting a little carried away
again. Okay. A LOT carried away. "Um - Jack? Put me down now, okay?"
Jack
pouts. "Don't WANT to."
"Well,
I want you to," I insist.
"See!
Daniel loves ME more!" Sam crows.
"Do
you, Daniel? Do you love Sam more than you love me?" Jack asks
anxiously.
"No.
I - er - I love you both, Jack. Okay?"
"'kay,"
he mumbles.
Doesn't
sound entirely convinced. Certainly makes no move to put me down.
"Sam,
why don't you pick some flowers for Daniel? He likes flowers," Jack
wheedles. "Don't you, Daniel? Wouldn't it make you happy if Sam picked
you some flowers?"
"Yes.
Yes, it would, provided you stay where I can see you, Sam."
"Okay!"
Sam calls sunnily, scampering merrily off.
"I'll
put you down if you give me my kiss, Daniel," Jack says triumphantly.
So
he's a very sneaky five year old. "Jack. That's not very nice," I sigh
and kiss his forehead gently.
"Not
very nice at all, Daniel," Jack agrees, setting me down. "And that
wasn't a proper kiss."
His
hands cup my jaw and draw my face to his as he leans in to suck gently
on my lower lip, nibbling it a little before insinuating his tongue
between my parted lips. His kiss is a sweet, tender exploration of my
mouth, a warm and open invitation to participate. Telling myself I can
help him rationalise his actions away if he remembers them, I accept
his invitation and kiss him back urgently. His hands slip down to my
waist and pull me close before wrapping around the small of my back, my
own trembling fingers tangling in his hair. I cling to him as his
tongue softly strokes against mine, overwhelmed by the exquisitely
erotic sensations he's sparking clean through me.
My
God, where did an Air Force colonel learn to kiss like THIS? Momma.
Damn good reason I didn't want to kiss Jack. Didn't think I could stop.
Jack pauses, takes a breath, gets us both comfortable again, and dives
back into my mouth. I'm totally lost as tenderness shades into passion,
have no idea how much time has passed me by, safely here in his arms,
before a sulky voice close by insists, "My turn! You promised."
Jack
releases me unhurriedly, a huge smile on his face. "There ya go,
Carter, he's all yours. Just keep it clean, understood? He's spoken
for."
"Yes,
sir!" Sam agrees with alacrity, taking ruthless advantage of my dazed
state to plant a sound smacker on my cheek and snatch a quick, gleeful
hug.
"Wh
- what?" I say intelligently, one or two suspicious facts clamouring
for my completely blissed out attention span. Like I never heard of a
five year old let alone a colonel who could kiss like THAT. My thoughts
scatter even more as Jack spoons up behind me, wrapping his arms snugly
and possessively across my chest. I feel his lips in my hair before he
complains, "Jesus, Carter, you've got a hard hand."
Sam
sniffs. "Serves you right, sir. I wanted to say 'judo chop' but you
wouldn't let me, so I just had to let actions speak louder than words."
"Karate,"
I offer. Sam looks slightly insulted.
Jack
nibbles at me ear, making me shiver. "Judo, Daniel. It was definitely
judo. Okay, Carter, okay. Cut him some slack. The distinction is a
little subtle for a linguist."
"You
- you were ACTING? Both of you?" The whole time? I'm impressed. They
were VERY good.
"Tactics,
Daniel," Jack insists.
He
sounds smug. Smug as Sam looks.
"Can't
tell you how close I came to putting you both over my knee and smacking
some sense into you," I inform them grimly. "You do the excruciatingly
annoying infantile thing very well."
The
smugness eases down a notch. I await developments with interest.
"Permission
to speak freely, sir?" Sam asks brightly, after a respectful pause.
"Granted,"
Jack graciously consents. He's snuggling again and it's very
distracting.
"I
was so tired of the colonel bitching and moaning all over the -"
"Excuse
me?" Jack snarls.
"Expressing
his anxiety and emotional deprivation in a voluble manner," Sam
corrects smoothly, "All over the - "
"Cut
to the chase, Carter," Jack snaps.
"We
agreed that since you were clearly in love with the colonel and yet
also clearly unable to see your feelings were not only reciprocated but
were in fact being broadcast all over the -"
"Carter!"
"You
needed a gentle nudge," Sam concludes with a snarky look at our
glorious leader.
"Dunno
about gentle," Jack grumbles. "Lucky you didn't knee me in the balls,
that's all I can say. Might never have functioned again."
"You
set me up? Tricked me into admitting I love you? Trapped me into
kissing you?" I can't take it in. The prick! Thanks.
"Well,
you weren't going to do it on your own," Jack says reasonably. "Had to
do something. You were driving me slowly insane."
"Yes,
sir," Sam agrees emphatically, "Honestly, Daniel, we couldn't take him
much worse than he's been -"
"Hey!
Show some respect, here!"
"I
did! If you want the unedited critique, sir, I'd be happy to -"
"Never
mind, never mind!" Jack interrupts, "Move it along. Swiftly," he adds,
correctly interpreting the gleam in Sam's eyes.
"We
just thought if we laid out a little scenario that offered the
opportunity for a little no consequences interpersonal,"
"Lip
lock?" I suggest sweetly.
"Interaction,"
Sam finishes. "You'd take it." She looks at my face. Jack looks at her
face. Then he turns my head so he can look at my face. Then he lets go
and retreats to a safe distance. Behind Sam. Like I won't hit a girl.
What was I saying about infantile? I curl my lip.
"He
refused to put me down until I kissed him." I inform Sam. She glares at
Jack, like she had nothing to do with this. "Really gotta work on those
people skills, Jack. Perfect foundation for a relationship." Oops.
Didn't mean to let that slip, "Deception, coercion," I snap, recovering.
"Affection,
passion," Jack sing songs, blithely ignoring the negative and
accentuating the positive.
"Getting
me to kiss you ONCE was the easy part, Jack. Easy. The trick will be
pulling it off a second time," I throw down the gauntlet. Bring it on,
colonel-mine. Show me what you've got.
Jack's
eyes never waver from mine. "Carter? Go and check on Teal'c. Pick
flowers. Whatever."
"Yes,
sir!" Sam raps back smartly, turns on her heel and marches away. After
she gets far enough away from Jack, I can hear her humming. I'm quite
sure it's 'I got you, babe'. I make a firm mental note to speak to my
'big sister' Sam the moment we get back. If she doesn't feel guilty
now, she will by the time I'm done with her. This should keep me in
cookies for months to come. In the meantime, I've got a loaded colonel
on my hands and about to get rather pleasurably in my face.
Jack
closes in, flashing me a predatory smirk I want to smack right off his
face. "About that second kiss, Daniel?"
I
back up step by step. Not too far. Not too fast. Don't want him to get
discouraged. "Yes?" I say warily, angling gently towards an invitingly
leafy tree.
Jack
pounces and pins me up against the broad trunk, eyes devouring my face.
"Child's play, Daniel."
I'd
have to agree. You can lead a colonel to Daniel, but you can't make him
kiss. I've been beating my head off that particular wall for longer
than I care to remember. If Jack has suddenly decided to do the
chasing, then who am I to argue? If he's getting all Alpha Male on me I
guess I'm honour bound to indulge him and lead him a merry dance. I
haven't driven him COMPLETELY insane. Not yet. There's still time.
"Mmmph,"
I agree equably as his lips meet mine. He's got me right where I want
him. Child's play indeed.
FINIS
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