SGC ~
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
To:
......................................................................................................................................................
USAF
From:
Colonel Jack O’Neill, USAF
Date:
................................................................................................
**TOP SECRET**
In
the sense he’ll make my life a living hell forever if he finds this.
Re:
Commanding Doctor Daniel Jackson in the field (or anywhere else for
that matter)
1.
I use the term ‘commanding’ in its loosest possible sense, since Daniel
has stated clearly for the record he’s never trusted my command.
No illicit substance, no mind whammy, no alien virus, no amount of
alcohol, pleading, yelling or tactical tickling will induce him to
explain that remark to my satisfaction. I should know. I’ve
tried a frenzied interrogation every damn time.
2.
I have certain dark suspicions that I should have put my foot down hard
on day one and insisted he called me Colonel O’Neill. Instead he
disarmed me completely by calling me Jack, and now I just have to put
up with the fact he happily follows my orders just so long as they are
cunningly disguised as sensible suggestions (or unhappily follows them
if I tell him ‘that’s an order’, which is me-speak for ‘sorry, Danny, I
know I’m a prick but you HAVE to’) and I hustle him along before he can
think of anything even more sensible or ‘interesting’ to suggest to me
that we should do. Oddly enough, if you don’t show enough hustle
carrying out orders Daniel happens to agree with wholeheartedly – such
as ‘Save the Earth!’ – he will badger you mercilessly until you perform
to his satisfaction and ruthlessly keep you on topic if you so much as
wheeze a dissenting opinion. You’re never gonna win this
one. Suck it up.
3.
Daniel will automatically know and make you face the flaw in every
specious self-serving argument, the consequences of every bad decision,
the ethical responsibility of your command and the fly in every
ointment. It’s not enough he makes us think about all the things
we NEVER want to think about. He makes us fix them, too.
4.
Whilst he is CRYSTAL clear on knowing right from wrong, most days
Daniel doesn’t know north from south, and in the face of extreme
archaeological or linguistic excitement, can appear to the uninitiated
to be decidedly shaky on differentiating his ass from his elbow.
5.
Daniel’s patented trembling, pouting lips and pleading, soulful eyes
are LETHAL. Just say NO. Even if you do come off as a
heartless bastard for hurting his feelings and you know the other two
will pointedly give you attitude every step of the way back to the gate
for being mean to him.
6.
Daniel’s extraordinary beauty, charm, innocence, sweetness,
intelligence and empathy win for him many admirers. It is not
Daniel’s fault that the above character traits prevent him seeing it
coming until AFTER they have expressed their admiration for him firstly
by forcibly separating him from his teammates, and secondly, by
forcibly separating him from his clothes. The shoot to kill
policy instigated by the team after the Destroyer of Worlds Is A Peach
incident has nothing to do with the seething hell-pit of caustic
jealousy I unexpectedly plummeted into and everything to do with
Daniel’s health, safety and welfare.
7.
Flirting. Make him stop.
8.
The only language Daniel doesn’t speak, the only alien
protocol he doesn’t follow, the only culture he fails to comprehend
is…Military. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion he’s kindly allowing
me to feel pleasantly superior about this even when I feel completely
bewildered by everything else, ‘cause he can sure as shit do all the
stuff we do. He just won’t admit it.
9.
Daniel NEVER complains. Ever. Seriously.
His invariable response to any mission disaster, moral minefield
unsuccessfully negotiated, personal tragedy or physical injury up to
and probably including decapitation, is a crisply enunciated,
emphatically prompt, ‘I’m fine’. If we were talking decapitation,
he might, and I emphasise might, trouble someone for a band aid.
This tends to contrast somewhat starkly with his reaction to YOU if you
happen to be whining about the aforementioned mission disaster, moral
minefield, broken nail, yadda yadda…in which case you’d better brace
yourself for TLC, Jackson style, the gift that keeps on giving until
General Hammond makes you give him back. (Killjoy. All that
crap about exploitation…well, it was unnecessarily harsh in my opinion.)
10.
Daniel is ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS right. Each and
every time you forget this immutable truth and ignore his flaky, New
Age, touchy feely advice in favour of some plausible sciencey thing
from Carter, it will snap you in the ass. Daniel sounds flaky, in
fact he often sounds NUTS, but he’s always right, while Carter sounds
emphatically rational and she is in fact quite often wrong.
It’s…embarrassing, but fortunately he isn’t the type to hold
grudges. Unless you’re a System Lord.
11.
Speaking of System Lords, Daniel is prone to snake-baiting. He
tends to indulge in this exciting pastime at moments of extremis, such
as being right in front of the infuriated System Lord in question,
surrounded by armed guards with hair triggers. He is particularly
fond of comments like ‘yep, killed her too’ after the by now apoplectic
System Lord has enquired after some absent loved one. It’s only a
matter of time before my greying follicles give up the unequal struggle
and just hit the road to Kojakville.
12.
Daniel is a people-person. This can cause a little tension given
the rest of us are shooting-people persons. Daniel launches
hopefully into that peaceful explorer spiel every time he bounces
through the gate, even though he knows it lacks conviction when we’re
visibly armed to the teeth (literally in Carter’s case; she bites)
which tends to make the locals think they’ll be going home in pieces.
13.
‘TMI aka too much information’. Daniel doesn’t actually ramble
endlessly on, this is just a vicious rumour circulated by me, for
reasons you don’t need to know. Daniel does however seem to know
almost everything, and he can do almost everything, come to think of
it. The man who knows everything is a frustrated teacher.
He no sooner learns a thing than he wants to SHARE. This can lead
to TMI, a frequently occurring scenario when Daniel innocently makes
the rest of us look like the intellectual mutts we are. (Carter is
getting…better…at dealing with this) Daniel is used to
blank stares, glazed eyes and careful explanations. We try to
work around him being a highly educated genius, and he tries to work
around us being us.
14.
Contrary to popular belief, Daniel doesn’t wander off. He doesn’t
have to. Two minutes of concentrated nagging and/or pouting gets
him - and us - wherever he wants to go. The pouting actually
works in a nanosecond, but there isn’t anyone on the team who won’t
milk that sulky little pout and the stormy eyes for as long as they can
get away with it, and for a variety of reasons no one will share with
anyone else. There is a team consensus that we’re not going
ANYWHERE there’s even a whisper of a hint we’ll find telepaths, no
matter how fascinating Daniel finds the concept. He has nothing
to hide. The rest of us are pleading the fifth and avoiding each
other’s eyes.
15.
We LOVE Daniel. If we don’t get him back in EXACTLY the
same condition in which you signed for him, you have a life expectancy
of maybe two minutes, which is how long it would take one of us to get
to the Armoury and back.
Declaration.
I
fully understand the confidential nature of the information contained
in this contract and hereby agree to forfeit the limb of my choice if I
reveal a word of it to Dr Daniel Jackson, including punctuation.
I
undertake to command Dr Jackson in the field (or anywhere else for that
matter) in accordance with the above guidelines and accept you will
kill me severely if he isn’t returned promptly and in mint condition.
And
may God have mercy on my soul if I fuck up in any conceivable way.
Signed
..............................................................................................................................................
USAF.
Dated
...................................................................................
Witnessed:
Master Teal’c of Chulak. Your God will not have mercy,
and nor will I.
Dated
.................................................................................
ADDENDUM
You
DON’T get to keep him!
sgcref//coljo/majsc/1234im/07/06/01//
On to Doctor Daniel Jackson's
vigorous and articulate point by point rebuttal
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