"Take a seat, Jack,"
Hammond invited.
Seething with
impatience, Jack thudded gracelessly into the chair he yanked clear of
Hammond's desk. He wanted out, now. Daniel had bolted away
from him the moment Hammond dismissed them, Teal'c planting himself
like a wall in front of Carter when she tried to go after him.
Jack did not have time. He needed to find Daniel and fix this.
"Appalled doesn't
begin to cover how I feel," Hammond admitted with difficulty.
"Ya think?" Jack
snarled. "We were dead. Dead. That was the
upside! It was clean. At least, being dead, we were clear
of it." Just like the poor dumb bastard Mirin.
"Colonel!" Hammond
protested, perhaps reflexively.
Actually looking at
him for the first time, Jack realised Hammond looked old. He was
a good and moral person, hell, they all were, or tried to be, and no
one was getting off easy here. No one.
"I'm sorry," Jack
blurted, meaning it.
"The irony of this
situation does not escape me, Jack. The only thing we can do to
protect Dr. Jackson and this command is to lie and cover up the
fact." It really hurt Hammond to have to say this.
"I ordered Carter to
destroy all the evidence, cover our tracks. After she takes care
of the Mirin tape, the briefing room footage will have an accident it
won't recover from," Jack informed his C.O. curtly.
"I'm deeply
concerned about SG-1, Jack."
"Tell me about it."
"I'm standing you
down, effective immediately."
"About what I'd
expected," Jack sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. He
didn't have the energy to raise even a token protest. The two of
them were finding it hard to maintain eye contact and they didn't have
to cover each other's backs off-world. He didn't expect it was
going to be any easier for him anywhere near Carter.
"You have to find a
way to work together again, to trust one another," Hammond informed him
quietly. An order, not a suggestion.
"And if we can't?"
It had to be faced. Jack wasn't sure they could get back from
this.
"You know as well as
I do."
"I have no idea if
Daniel and Carter can work together now or maybe ever, and if they
can't, one of them will have to transfer off the team. Three
guesses who that will be," Jack spat angrily, hating it all, himself
included.
"Your preference?"
Jack couldn't answer
that. Heart or head, he wanted Daniel. He loved him.
It would kill Daniel to be taken from the team but this shouldn't weigh
with Jack, should it? He was obligated to make the correct
command decision. His team trusted him with their lives.
Wasn't this exactly why he was supposed to keep it in his pants?
So he could at least pretend to be the good little team leader and USAF
drone? Right now he couldn't separate the personal from the
professional and wasn't sure he could ever manage that again. It
was treacherous of him to admit he wasn't sure if he could work with
Carter again, he was so goddamned angry with her, but it was also the
truth.
"Then I'll tell you
mine," Hammond offered with more grace than Jack could find.
"SG-1 is the first contact team. Dr. Jackson is an archaeologist,
true, but he is also our expert on the ancient cultures seeding the
galaxy and he is a uniquely gifted linguist. We've been trying
for five years now to replicate his skills in our Air Force personnel
and even civilians and have not succeeded. You have only to look
at his workload to understand that. We need him both off-world
and here."
"It's more than
Daniel's skills!" Jack objected angrily, raw on this point. "You
heard him out there. It's the way he thinks. Not just
outside the box but off the goddamn wall sometimes." Little
thanks it got him, too. Not that Daniel was entirely right, Jack
had had moments where he'd made the wrong decision, absolutely so, made
it because it was Daniel asking. No other reason.
None. What felt so wrong would turn out right and Daniel really,
really needed to hear that right now. He should have been hearing
it all along.
"He's more than our
linguist, he's our voice!" Jack argued passionately. "He thinks
and says what we don't and can't, and he reaches people. Like him
or loathe him, Daniel has an effect on everyone. Jesus, General,
even the godless Tok'ra think he's inspirational! They came right
out and said it."
"I agree."
Braced for an
argument, Jack floundered, understanding in the marked silence which
followed just how right Daniel was and how hard it was going to be to
work past this. Hammond was looking at him with a good deal of
comprehension, which didn't make it any easier on Jack he hadn’t
considered for a second it would be Carter who would be transferred off
SG-1 if he couldn't rebuild his team.
"The primary
function of SG-1 is first contact," Hammond reiterated unnecessarily.
"Which means
communication," Jack acknowledged edgily, aware of how deceitful he was
being. If ever there was a time he could confess his feelings for
Daniel to his C.O., this was it. Probably the only time.
Hammond could break up the team, Jack's part disguised by the sweeping
changes. He could sit home and eat bon-bons while Daniel and
Teal'c and some high-flyer he hated already saved the world.
Yeah. Right. Like hell he could. Daniel was going
nowhere without him, not now, not ever. Daniel was his.
"Major Carter's
skills have been required repeatedly here on base and she has
sufficient seniority and command experience to lead an SG team
dedicated to technological and scientific missions both here and
off-world."
"Sideways
promotion?" Carter would hate it but Jack could live with it and
more importantly, so could Daniel. He guessed Teal'c's decision
was already made. Like Daniel, the big guy had a way of cutting
through the bull and however hard it hit his loving teammates, he never
let loyalty or friendship get in the way of duty. Teal'c served a
greater purpose and nothing and no one stood in his way, not even
Carter. He would die for each and every one of them, but he would
also walk away from them if he had to. As he had on several
occasions previously, actually. Teal'c would stay with the team
which did his cause most good. He'd stay with SG-1.
"What else can I do,
Jack?" Hammond asked directly. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, his
face in his hands for several weary seconds. "If you can't
rebuild your team I'll have no choice but to break it up. Dr.
Jackson and Major Carter need to be made aware of their options and
we'll take it from there." He made a quick call, sending his aide
scrambling to summon Daniel and Carter, then sat back, staring at
nothing. "It appears we each have fences to mend with Dr.
Jackson," he reflected quietly.
Jack's gut clenched.
"I want to see
Daniel!" Sam's voice was shrill and angry.
"I do not believe it
would be wise at this time, Major Carter," Teal'c insisted implacably.
"I can't believe
you're doing this," Sam gasped. "Taking sides!"
"I have little
choice."
Daniel got up from
his desk, then found he couldn't make himself go out to Sam. He
stood rooted to the spot. There was no reassurance he could make,
no exculpation he could offer. He had nothing to give. He
was desolate and angry, angrier than he'd ever been in his life and he
couldn't - he just couldn't bear.
"God."
He'd really done it
this time. Feelings he'd never wanted to face had festered, come
boiling out when they were all least prepared to deal with them.
He hadn't known himself how much resentment he felt for the way his
teammates treated him. He always seemed to be the one out in the
cold. He'd coped. Or thought he had. Intellectually
he accepted there would always be times his position was diametrically
opposed to that of his teammates, that they would always clash.
Refusing to let
himself see how this made him feel, though? Wasn't he supposed to
be smarter than this? Certainly smart enough to know his problems
didn't go away just because he ignored them. They simply
multiplied.
Shifu had taught him
a lesson once, let him face his own dark side in a dream. Daniel
did resent his friends at times, he was hurt by them and their
treatment of him. He'd seen the consequences of those feelings in
his dream and had too easily attributed it to the lesson and the
influence of the Goa'uld memories.
He was able to
intellectualise it. He just hadn't been able to deal with
it. He should have talked to Jack and the others then, but he
hadn't. He just bottled it all up inside again and tried to move
on from it as best he could.
Daniel was
thirty-six years old and he'd never been sure enough of anyone to be
angry with them.
Only - only Jack.
Blindly, Daniel sat
down again, burying his face in his folded arms, the leaves of an open
book comforting against his cheek. There was so much cutting at
him he couldn't seem to think at all. He sat shaking, his lips
and fingertips tingling, a buzz in his head, like white noise, blanking
everything. His inertia was alien and frightening, his mind so
sluggish it was hard for him to even grasp he was in shock.
He gradually became
aware of a solid presence guarding his back, the gentle clasp of a
hand. It wasn't Jack and so he did nothing.
"Sirs," Carter
greeted Jack and Hammond tensely as she slipped into the proffered
chair, looking smaller than Jack had ever seen her.
"I'm sure I don't
need to explain to you why you're here, Major Carter," Hammond said
kindly.
Carter glanced up at
Jack and as quickly away. "General, if I may?"
"Go on," Hammond
invited.
"Daniel and I work
well together," Carter told him. "If we'd been together, I'm
sure," she stumbled over this, trying hard not to sound as if she were
shifting blame onto Jack for splitting the team, her tone apologetic,
"we would have seen the truth of what was happening on Mirin."
"I have no doubt of
that, Major," Hammond acknowledged. "The two of you have worked
well together. I'm proud of SG-1 and all you've accomplished as a
team."
Carter didn't relax
at this. Quite the contrary. Not missing the general's use
of the past tense, she was stiffening up.
"A situation like
this forces me to question the purpose of the team, Major, to clarify
the focus of not just SG-1 but of every field unit under my command,"
Hammond went on.
Jack had to admire
his professionalism. He knew in his gut he'd never make half the
general Hammond was. Maybe never make general at all.
Sometimes he couldn't see past his own feelings and he certainly
couldn't always separate out and respect the individual the way Hammond
was doing right now for Carter.
"SG-1 was formed to
be our primary first contact field unit, with the other SG teams in
support according to the specialism of each." Hammond clasped his
hands together, resting neatly on his desk. It was the best he
could do to look relaxed, to make what he was saying sound reasonable
and measured, not a knee-jerk, reactionary judgement. "This focus
has become blurred over time with an increasing emphasis on military
engagements and the retrieval of technology."
"Our standing
orders," Carter began.
"Are dependent upon
successful communication in the first instance," Hammond smoothly
overrode whatever objection Carter had been about to make.
"The President
agreed that we would evaluate the scientific and cultural elements of
each mission," Carter reminded him sharply.
"We will continue to
do so," Hammond assured her. "I cannot disguise the gravity of
this situation, Major, or the consequences we are all facing. I'm
standing down SG-1 effective immediately. You all deserve the
opportunity to rebuild trust and to decide together if you can work as
a team again after what has happened today."
Carter's mouth fell
open as the general laid it on the line, but there was no protest she
could make. It was a generous and genuine offer. She took a
deep breath. "If - if we can't?"
"Then I'll have to
review the disposition of the team."
"Sir?" Carter
lifted her head proudly, trying to take it on the chin.
"I've been
considering the formation of a new field unit," Hammond informed her
gently. "One dedicated to scientific and technological missions,
working closely with the various specialist military and civilian teams
on base and at our off-world research facilities."
Carter's already
pale face greyed and Jack realised she could finally see it coming,
just about the last thing she'd expected.
"Lieutenant Hailey
would be an ideal recruit for SG-16, along with two experienced
technical sergeants. You and she have developed something
of a rapport and your skills are complementary. I'd like you to
consider heading up the team, Major," Hammond offered Carter a graceful
out.
Jack couldn't look
Carter in the eye and say it was a promotion, not when he knew what the
team meant to her, the loyalty she felt to her teammates. No one
knew what they'd all been through together. No one. He
could only hope they could get through this. He might be mad at
the world right now, but he didn't want to lose her.
"Don't rush this
decision," Hammond instructed. "Take your time and discuss it
with your teammates."
And there it was.
Jack had to admire
the way Hammond had done this, laying it on the line without taking
Carter's self-respect. It was literally the best the general
could do and maybe the only way the SGC could keep Carter if she
couldn't stay on SG-1. Jack knew as well as anyone the Stargate
was her life. Carter could read this as a punishment or as an
opportunity and the choice was hers, even though she would never thank
them for it.
"Sir," Carter
acknowledged expressionlessly, too devastated to do or say anything
more, protocol auto-pilot and discipline getting her through.
And now it was
Daniel's turn.
"I don't understand."
"Major Carter is
considering taking command of a new SG team," the general patiently
explained again.
"Sam?"
Jack winced at
Daniel's utter incredulity. He was sitting in the chair next to
Jack's, nursing a steaming mug of coffee between cold hands, literally
unable to take in that his ass wasn't already off the team. As
far as Daniel was concerned, there had been no question of who would
have to go if they couldn't work through all this. It really hurt
Jack that he'd played any part in making Daniel think and feel this way.
"I'd prefer SG-1 to
go on as it is," Hammond said delicately, "but if you can't work
together I'll be forced to make other arrangements."
"I don't know,"
Daniel admitted with stark honesty. "I'm trying so hard not to -
to blame." He cut off what he was about to say, tried to speak
again then subsided into strained silence.
Daniel looked so
desolate, so defenceless, Jack was sick with anger and sorrow for
him. He was very afraid of losing him. He'd seen a part of
Daniel he'd never known and was sure he was never meant to know.
Finding out this way how Daniel really felt about him, at the core, was
not something he would be shaking off any time soon.
With all of his
crass, careless cruelties cumulating over time, how could Daniel love
him? How in hell could he get them past all these doubts and show
Daniel that whatever had happened between them in the past, Jack was
with him now?
He loved
Daniel. It wasn't ever going to change. He'd lived more
than half his life and he wanted to spend the rest of it with
Daniel. He knew how deeply he touched him, how close they could
be. When they made love together there were no doubts, no
distance. They needed to find their connection again.
Everything would flow from that, everything was possible. Jack
just needed to be given the chance, but he wasn't sure Daniel would
ever let him touch him again.
"You don't have to
do anything right now," he promised Daniel compassionately. "We
all need some time to come to terms with what's happened before we can
even begin to think about the future of the team."
"I don't want Sam to
- I mean," Daniel stammered painfully.
"Ultimately that
isn't your decision, Dr. Jackson," Hammond interpreted this without
difficulty. "Or Major Carter's. I have a responsibility to
act in the best interests of this command and I've determined that your
place is with SG-1." The gentle look was very evident.
"This is not negotiable and your resignation will not be accepted."
"No," Jack
snapped. "It won't."
Daniel coloured and
covered his guilty start with a careless sip of scalding coffee.
"I need you," Jack
promised. "I can't function - as team leader," he added after a
fractional hesitation, "without you. Not the way I'm supposed
to." He really hoped Hammond was going easy on him too, because
he had no idea what he was trying to say here let alone what it sounded
like.
"Perhaps that's
something the two of you can talk about," the general suggested
seriously.
Jack guessed it was
too much to hope Hammond had missed all the by-play during the
debriefing. The general knew how much work Jack had to do here
and none of it should be necessary.
What was he supposed
to do? Tell Daniel to get in his face more? Take it
personally, call Jack on being such a bastard instead of accepting him?
If Jack couldn't get
Daniel back, then he guessed his ass was off SG-1 too. He kind of
hoped Hammond wasn't thinking that far ahead. Then he caught
Daniel's quick, nervous sidelong look and realised Daniel was.
"I'm sorry. I
don't feel - I just want to," Daniel's words tumbled out in a rush.
"I understand,"
Hammond soothed him. "This has been a terrible ordeal. Take
all the time you need, son."
Daniel got up then
and stood looking blankly at the door, as if he'd forgotten what he was
supposed to be doing.
"Dismissed," the
general said at once as Jack got hurriedly to his feet and took
Daniel's arm. "Take care of our boy, Jack."
"I intend to," Jack
promised grimly.
Teal'c was waiting
for them outside, hovering like an expectant father.
"I'm still on the
team," Daniel blurted out stupidly.
Teal'c inclined his
head. "I expected nothing less." He stepped forward,
putting his hand on Daniel's shoulder. "Are you alright,
DanielJackson?"
Jack found he did
not care for this at all.
"No." Daniel
gave them both that horrible little wince he probably thought was a
smile. "No, I'm not."
Teal'c seemed to
think this was as it should be, nodding calmly before he moved back out
of Daniel's personal space. "Dr. Fraiser has taken Major Carter
home. She wished to speak with DanielJackson but I would not
permit it." He looked kindly at Daniel. "I did not believe
you were ready to hear her. Your anger will cool in time, as will
hers. You may then begin to see one another clearly. I will
help each of you as much as I am able. I remain a friend to you
both."
"I'm not sure Sam
sees it that way," Daniel fretted. "She already thinks you're
taking sides."
Carter, Jack
thought, wasn't wrong. "Feel like going after her?" he hinted
broadly to Teal'c. "Put her mind at ease."
Teal'c considered
this in silence.
"I'd like to have a
team at the end of all this," Jack declared. "This one!"
"As you wish,
O'Neill," Teal'c assented graciously. "I will speak with General
Hammond, then I will follow."
"Tell Sam," Daniel
said impulsively, then couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I will say that you
are thinking of her," Teal'c suggested with conscious irony.
Jack figured this
was fair enough. Daniel wouldn't be panicking about him until
they were alone together. "I'm taking Daniel home," he
announced. "He's in no state to be here. And honestly,
neither am I."
Daniel jerked awake,
blinking furiously, glancing awkwardly around as the world slowly came
back into focus. It took a while for blurred shapes to sharpen
and make sense. They were parked across the street from his
building and Jack was just sitting there, turned toward him, watching
him.
"I must've fallen
asleep," Daniel inanely - and far too loudly - stated the obvious.
"We've been here a
while," Jack remarked. "I didn't have the heart to wake you."
All at once feeling
confined and claustrophobic, Daniel shivered convulsively. He was
starting to wonder if he would ever be warm again. He smiled
fleetingly in Jack's general direction, mumbled his thanks for the ride
and tumbled out of the truck.
He wasn't remotely
surprised Jack caught him up before he even reached the sidewalk.
"Nice try," Jack
remarked casually. "But not a chance in hell, Dannyboy."
"I hate when you
call me that," Daniel snapped irritably, jerking reflexively from the
hand resting with easy familiarity at the small of his back as they
went inside. "Jack, please," he hissed, self-consciously eyeing
the doorman who was watching their brisk, pissy progress across the
lobby.
"He can't tell just
by looking," Jack responded somewhat obscurely.
"Tell what?"
Jack leaned in as he
called the elevator. "That I fucked you," he whispered.
His face flaming
scarlet, Daniel's mouth fell open in shock. Jack led him,
stuttering and unresisting, onto the elevator.
Daniel would have
given anything to refute this infuriating assumption but innate honesty
left him choked and furious with Jack for making him feel so small.
"Should I have said
'made love'?" Jack asked.
His head swimming as
the elevator soared, Daniel scowled at him.
"Seriously," Jack
said mildly. "No one is more aware than I am that this," he
gestured almost diffidently from Daniel to himself, "is a language
neither of us speaks."
It was really
aggravating that Jack got him off the elevator before he could
formulate a response to this.
"If you're more
comfortable with - er - romantic euphemisms," Jack suggested carefully,
"I'll give it my best shot." He nodded vaguely at the walls as he
steered them down the hallway, his hand once more finding Daniel's
back. "I can do that."
Daniel was drearily
grateful to see his front door ahead of him. He didn't know what
was keeping him going but every trudging step he took weighed more
heavily on him. He felt as if he were wading through mud, his
limbs tense and uncoordinated. He wished he could stop this
god-awful shivering.
He let them in,
shoved the keys in Jack's direction and made for his bedroom and the
warmest sweater he could find. He tossed his coat carelessly on
the bed and stumbled up the steps to his closet, fumbling through the
folded woollens until he found his black turtleneck, soft, blessedly
thick, ribbed lambswool. Daniel stripped and neatly disposed of
his laundry, mechanically following his customary, ingrained routine,
before pulling on the sweater, teaming it with warm, loose black jersey
sweats and thick socks.
He stood a moment,
cold hands stuffed under his armpits, shaking and staring at nothing,
listening to Jack's movements around the apartment, thinking maybe Jack
was right. They didn't speak this language.
He wished he knew
what to do.
"Daniel?"
It was small and
childish, but panic shifted him out of his bedroom before Jack could
come into it. They ran into one another, literally, outside his
always open door.
Jack held Daniel,
touching him lightly at his waist as he stared down, eyes hungrily
tracking over his face and down, over his chest and body. "God,
you look amazing," Jack murmured huskily, obviously liking and wanting
what he saw.
"You want me."
Daniel was agonisingly slow and stupid tonight. "It wasn't just -
you - you meant," he whispered.
"Everything."
Jack took hold of
him and pulled him close, his chin resting on Daniel's shoulder,
nuzzling their faces together.
Daniel stood rigid
and ungainly, trying to hold himself apart, but Jack was warm, the only
heat on Mirin, the only heat for him now and he could do nothing but
fall. He let go and held on and Jack was there for him.
"I've got you,
baby," Jack promised faithfully as Daniel's uncertain arms crept around
him, his relief a brittle thing. He had his hooks in so deep,
Daniel couldn't push him away. What he did with that should be
the good thing, the right thing, but he wanted Daniel to be with him,
and look at him, so fucking noble he couldn't even stop his body
responding to Daniel's nearness.
Abruptly, Daniel
tilted back his head to stare up into Jack's face, his eyes startled
and questioning behind the glinting, masking lenses.
"I've got some
sensitivity, you know," Jack complained, slightly hurt, but more
guilty. "I'm not making a pass. It's just," he trailed off
awkwardly.
"Just?"
"You," Jack mumbled,
desperately embarrassed. "You feel good, you smell good, you
look," he bit this thought off, trying to head his unruly libido off
the pass. "It's you."
"Oh." Daniel
let go of Jack and waited, colour rising again over his pale face, for
Jack to let go of him.
Jack didn't want
to. Daniel had to push at his arms to make him and even then, his
reluctance showed.
"Me," Daniel
uttered, uncomprehending, as he stumbled away in the direction of his
kitchen.
"I know it's the
worst time," Jack said gloomily as he trailed after Daniel, "I just
can't stop thinking about how we were together." He still didn't
know if he was supposed to say fucking or making love, Daniel wasn't
the sentimental type but then he wasn't the profane type either.
He was a guy, though. He was completely a guy. Just, a
sensitive, extremely educated and exceedingly erudite, New Age kind of
a guy.
"Neither can I,"
Daniel told him, glancing back over his shoulder as he was filling his
coffee pot.
"What?" Jack
was having a hard time keeping up with himself tonight, let alone
Daniel.
"Can't stop thinking
about it either," Daniel said woodenly, "Which is almost funny, because
until now, I couldn't think of anything at all."
"You don't have much
experience, do you?" Jack wondered why it had never occurred to him to
ask. "Not with guys," he amended impatiently. "I mean
sex. Sex in general."
Busy at the stove,
Daniel's back got ramrod stiff but he didn't deny it.
"I guess I always
knew that," Jack puzzled over it. "You never seem aware."
That fit, that was what he'd seen. "Not of me, not of
anyone. Not really."
"I have too much to
think about," Daniel told his coffee pot in a strange little monotone,
as if Jack hadn't spoken. "This is classic displacement. I
can't deal with Mirin, I can't deal with Sam or the team or anything,
so I'm obsessing on - on-"
"Freaking out
because we fucked and it was the best sex of your life?"
Daniel turned to
reach for two mugs with hands which shook. "You're such a
bastard, Jack," he whispered.
Jack walked over and
put his arms around Daniel, hugging him close. "I know."
"Are you scared?"
"Of losing
you? You know I am."
They stood that way
listening to the slow drip as the coffee pot filled and it was Jack who
poured the coffee for them both. Daniel just wandered away,
sitting with a graceless thump in the nearest chair, his back once more
to Jack.
"I'm
shattered." Daniel looked up as Jack slid a mug in front of him,
then put his own down at the place opposite. "I could give you
the dictionary definition," he rambled on as Jack pulled out the chair
and sat.
"I know what it
means."
"Sorry. I'm
not used to this," Daniel apologised.
Jack quirked an
eyebrow as he gulped down some coffee.
"Anyone being here,"
Daniel explained, "when I'm like this."
"Shattered?"
Jack grimaced. "Get used to it. I'll always be here."
He clinked his mug off Daniel's, slopping coffee. "To us."
Daniel guessed they
were both thinking the same thing, the memory stood out sharp where so
much else was greyed and chilling.
"I'm holding you to
your promise. You know the one."
"You can't."
"I can try," Jack
swore.
"You're right,"
Daniel said inconsequentially. "This is the worst time."
"You're not saying
no."
"I'm not saying
anything," Daniel corrected him. "I can't think, Jack. I
really can't." He took a sip of his coffee, strong and bitter as
his mood. "I keep trying, but my thoughts scatter. I just
can't seem to comprehend the enormity. My mind goes back to Mirin
again and again, to all those people, and it should be here. We
have to deal with it here."
Jack smiled at him
then, a smile that came from his heart and gentled his dark eyes.
"Maybe that's because there aren't any answers here, Daniel. You
don't know if you can fix this, if you can work with Carter. If
you can work with me," he admitted with blunt honesty. "We hurt
you and I guess you make it too easy for us not to know it." The
smile faded but his soft eyes held Daniel transfixed. "Don't do
that again. Promise me. Promise you'll tell me."
"I can't be without
you, Jack." Daniel found himself blinking furiously against a
treacherous sting in his eyes, his chest crowded with misery. "I
don't want to be."
Jack toasted him
ironically. "Makes two of us."
"I should be
thinking about Sam."
"Fuck Carter," Jack
riposted. "Think about me."
"This is your
official position as SG-1's team leader?" Daniel snapped.
"We're lovers," Jack
snapped back. "I can't divorce the personal from the
professional, no matter how inconvenient it is for you. And
before you start, it isn't because of the sex." He scowled at
Daniel's irritated incredulity. "Not only because of the sex," he
amended ungraciously. "For your information, I haven't been able
to separate out those feelings for a long time. Maybe even from
the start."
"I take it that's my
fault?" Daniel demanded indignantly.
"All yours," Jack
agreed, grinning. "You've been nothing but trouble from the
moment I first laid eyes on you," he accused, a certain indulgence
suggesting he rather liked this about Daniel. "I should have
never let you bullshit your way onto my team for that first mission
through the Stargate. Should've made you stay home where you were
safe, meant no when I said no, stopped listening when you started
talking. Kept my distance. My balance." His grin was
fading into another intent, hungry look, his eyes roaming restlessly
over Daniel's face. "I need you on my team, sure, but I need way
more than that. You're my best friend, y'know?"
Daniel sat flushed
and breathless, finding it impossible to meet Jack's eyes with all this
- this extravagance.
"We were going
great. Then a while back I started noticing my best friend,
started seeing you differently than I had before. It wasn't
sudden or dramatic. No violins or anything. I didn't just
take a look and instantly realise how gorgeous you are and how blind
I'd been," Jack reminisced, a tad solemn, futzing absently with his
mug, gazing reflectively at Daniel. "More like it was always
there and I just kind of let myself know it." He pulled a face as
if this explanation wasn't quite there, but was the best he could
do. "It's been a long time since I looked at you without wanting
you and you're more to me even than that." Jack waited then,
smiling a little, searching for the right words. "I need you to
just be around the whole time," he said finally, quietly satisfied.
It was more than
Jack had ever been able to say to Daniel, more than he would ever be
prepared to hear. He couldn't say anything, his vocal chords
frozen while the rest of him flamed.
Jack got up then,
swaggering around the end of the table, his hands outstretched.
He took Daniel by the shoulders and pulled him up, obviously liking
having his hands on him.
Knowing exactly how
physical Jack wanted to be with him, Daniel couldn't speak, but he
reached up, his fingers curling around Jack's elbows.
"I so want to kiss
you," Jack sighed, staring longingly at Daniel's mouth as he backed him
past the library table then down into the living room, dropping down
onto the smaller couch with him, an arm hugging tight around his
shoulders. "I'm a lost cause, you know," he sighed mournfully,
teasing a bit. "I even like how shy you get."
Well, Daniel had
every excuse for that. It wasn't every day your best friend told
you he loved you! Not - not in so many words, just in ways that
counted. Small ways, like not kissing him, even though Jack
probably knew he could.
"Wha," Daniel
swallowed painfully, "What are we going to do?"
"Whatever you want,"
Jack said placidly. "This is about you and about us, Carter and
me. You want to talk to her, her with me?"
"You can't." Daniel
objected, watching frowningly as Jack's other arm snuck heavy across
his chest, smug hands meeting to clasp comfortably at Daniel's shoulder.
"I can," Jack
contradicted.
"You can't. I
wouldn't know if you were there as team leader or just as - as you,"
Daniel argued. Warmth was spreading through his body, tingling
everywhere Jack touched.
"Both of me are on
your side," Jack insisted, curious fingers exploring the ribbed knit of
the sweater. Or the contours of Daniel's bicep beneath.
"At least one of you
should be fair to Sam!"
"We figured we'd
leave that to you," Jack countered lazily.
It cut deep,
Daniel's breath whooshing out in a gasp he couldn't quite contain.
"Daniel?" Jack
demanded sharply, immediately concerned, wondering what it was he'd
said.
"It's nothing,"
Daniel's face twisted. "Just - just something I realised about
myself."
"Not good?" Jack
asked with wary sympathy.
"Something I used to
think was a strength," Daniel admitted reluctantly. "Now I'm not
so sure." He looked around impulsively at Jack. "You've
always amazed me, how you could get so mad at people, how badly you
could treat us and still know we'd come back to you. You turn on
the charm and we melt and forgive you, of course we do. How can
you do that? How'd you get to be so certain?"
"You're not that
easy a nut to crack," Jack said carefully, trying to read Daniel's
mood. "Weren't you listening back there? No one ever
smacked me upside the head the way you do, Daniel. No one talks
to me the way you do, no one makes me do anything. No one but
you." He was unsure whether to say more or not and then he just
went for it. "I do it for you."
"Trouble?"
"With a capital 'T'."
"Can we talk
together?" Daniel suggested, needing to get something - anything -
resolved as he found himself immersed in ever deeper waters. "The
four of us?"
"If that's what you
want."
"I think we need
to. Teal'c - he's everyone's friend and yet he still has that
distance, that clarity." Bashfully, Daniel turned into the
all-too-welcome heat of Jack's body, easing that much closer, though
his fingers were nervously pleating the fabric stretched taut over his
thighs. "The kind that lets him walk away from us. I trust
that about him, that he'll tell it like it is."
"We can do that."
"Here," Daniel
decided, "and soon." He still cared about Sam!
Jack was wryly
appreciative of this strategy, pulling away from Daniel with a rueful
comment about doing it before he changed his mind, loping up the steps
towards the phone with something approaching his usual energy.
As he got up to
follow, Daniel's stomach growled loudly, startling them both.
Jack chuckled and looked better for it.
"After three - make
that four weeks, you have any food left in that fancy kitchen of
yours?" Jack asked hopefully.
"The freezer,"
Daniel said distractedly, peering around as if it had moved on its
own. "I always keep stuff - I make extra, you never-"
"Yadda," Jack
prompted gently.
The old joke punched
through Daniel's defences. "Don't worry, Jack. It's not
like I can walk away." He remembered losing himself in the
incredible freedom on Mirin, how he could have anything of Jack,
reaching out now to touch him. His fingers were trembling as he
skimmed over the whiskery skin. He had to see if he could do it,
he had to know. It was true what he'd said. He couldn't
walk away, not from Jack.
Jack was taking his
hand and it was awkward, they both seemed to be in the way, but Daniel
reached up regardless and pressed his mouth against Jack's for a few
strained seconds. He couldn't call it a kiss. Not even
close. Jack just stood there, his fingers clamped bruisingly
around Daniel's wrist, both of them staring and breathing hard.
"Don't," Jack hissed
fiercely, spots of colour burning in his cheeks. "I'm trying!"
"So am I!" Daniel
flared, angry all over again.
"I'm not going to
push you back into bed with me! How could you even think?" Jack
snarled, pushing away Daniel's hand.
"I don't! I
just needed to know if - if," Daniel tried to explain as he fumbled for
a chair and sat down. He felt light-headed. Unreal.
"I'm so embarrassed, Jack. It's - it's desperate."
Daniel's head began again to buzz, memory so intense he could almost
feel Jack stroking inside him, a curl of heat quivering deep in his
gut. He felt stripped to the bone, the privacy he'd surrendered
up a grievous loss to him now, when it mattered. It was a big
part of who he was, a part of himself he guarded from everyone.
Jack hadn't taken it, Daniel had given it up and still he felt cheated
because now he didn't feel able to shut Jack out.
His dignity - it was
best not to think about that, about being fucked. Best not to
think about Jack taking him, driving his body with such disciplined
perfection on the thin, hard pallet. He'd never intended for Jack
to know him that way, to have everything of him. It had never
been a possibility. Nothing he could be open to. His
studies were his life, his discoveries through the Stargate and in
himself. That was all his passion, all his fulfilment.
Here, at home, he was quiet, private. Content. All this was
gone now and in its place were confusion and Jack, looking at him the
whole time and seeing the sex.
"Don't look like
that, Daniel, please," Jack pleaded, dropping to his haunches in front
of Daniel. "I can't change what happened between us. I
can't even pretend I want to. You know I want us to go on."
"I made a choice on
Mirin, Jack," Daniel said shakily. "I didn't know I'd have to
live with it."
Back to Part Two / On to Part Four
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