IN VINO VERITAS BY BIBLIO

Daniel was drowsy from red wine and firelight when Jack's arm slid around him.  He went with the flow, hitching closer to rest his head on Jack's shoulder, basking in the comfort of easy, familiar affection.

"You can't drive in this condition," Jack murmured into the soft hair tickling his chin.  "You should stay."  Daniel stirred sleepily, gazing up at him with those shy, intense eyes.  Jack cupped Daniel's chin, brushing his thumb gently over his mouth.  Daniel's sweet answering smile made his groin tighten reflexively.  "I am so going to kiss you," he promised.

"This is me, fighting you off," Daniel retorted, sliding his fingers over the smooth fabric of Jack's black shirt, tensing as he felt the taut ridges of muscle bunching under his hand.  Impulsively, he reached up to the open collar, watching Jack's velvety eyes darken as he worked a button loose, then another, pushing the shirt aside to stroke Jack's collar bone and the sensitive hollow of his throat.  He traced the outline of Jack's Adam's apple with careful fingers.  He was getting hard from this, just from touching.

"You're killing me," Jack complained, planting his hand over Daniel's, trapping it against his skin.  "Playing with fire," he added ruefully, aware of Daniel's arousal, his quickened breathing.  When Daniel shifted restlessly against him, Jack turned into him.  They held one another close, nuzzling faces softly.  Kissing Daniel was one pleasure Jack couldn't resist or refuse.  He got another of Daniel's sweet smiles as their lips brushed slowly, savouring one another.

"Mmmm," Daniel sighed happily, pulling Jack closer as they deepened the kiss, opening to the moist swipe of Jack's insistent tongue.  He moaned as Jack stroked passionately into him, shocks of pleasure shivering over his skin.  Daniel was pulling, Jack was leaning…they tumbled down on the couch.  Cradling Jack's face, Daniel stilled Jack's aggressive thrusting to suck sensuously on his tongue.

Oh, God, Jack groaned to himself as Daniel's leg hooked tightly around his hip.  It was driving him crazy, although Jack couldn't blame Daniel.  The heat of Daniel's erection was hard against his own as he moved languorously beneath Jack.

They shared small pleasures; the slow, thorough, passionate kissing.  Exploring the softness of hair and skin, firm muscle under denim and thin jersey.

Daniel clasped his face and held him.  "I love you," he said gravely.

"I know," Jack replied, capturing a hand to kiss the delicate tracery of veins at Daniel's wrist.  "Me too, Daniel.  Me too."

His heart skipping a beat, Daniel gazed up into Jack's eyes, liquid with tenderness for him.  He pulled Jack back into his arms, knowing this would be over too soon.  He never believed the lie, that this was enough, that he didn't need more than knowing Jack was in love with him, that he was all of Jack's hope for the future.  They'd been on the edge for so long, the two of them.  Couldn't they think of themselves and not the team?  Just one time.  This time.

Jack smiled against his mouth, slow and teasing.

Daniel retaliated, taking tiny dabs at Jack's lips with the tip of his tongue.  Jack's tongue darted out to touch his and Jack was lost.  Daniel sank into him, moaning in satisfaction as Jack surrendered and opened to him, allowing him to map every contour of his mouth.  Daniel revelled in the contrasts.  The rich berry taste of wine, silken soft-palate, the rasp of Jack's limber tongue and slick, cool teeth.

He wrapped his leg tighter around Jack's back, hauling Jack closer to him, always closer…deepening the kiss, moving his hips achingly against Jack's, catching his breath at the answering heat, straining up, trying to touch everywhere.  His hands roamed at will over the hard, lean planes of Jack's rangy body.  He'd barely tasted the smooth skin and crisp hair.

Jack was never close enough.

When Daniel was like this, passionate and generous, it just about killed Jack to stop, but he did, pulling away to sit up, panting, dishevelled and aching.  It would be so damned easy to lose control…

Daniel groaned, resting his arm across his eyes, his kiss-swollen lips tight as he fought for breath.  "I don't want to stop," he said shakily, scrambling up to tumble off the couch, stumbling gracelessly.

Instinctively, Jack reached out to steady Daniel, catching him close, too damned close.  He was staring at soft, parted lips still wet and swollen from his kisses, then he was touching, borne back onto the couch as Daniel leaned into him to straddle his thighs.  Gentle hands cupped Jack's face, easing his head back to rest on the couch.  Delicate, practiced fingers stroked through his hair, danced over every feature of his face in turn, Daniel intent and focused, fixing Jack's face in his mind like someone…

They'd kissed before.  Once before, when everything festering between them came to a head.  It was enough for them, just knowing.  They weren't really alone.  They'd agreed.  The team came first.  They owed it to Carter.  Teal'c.  Work was great.  They were great.

So why did Daniel look…desperate?  What did Jack owe Daniel, looking at him now like he was someone Daniel never expected to see again?  Daniel rubbed his face caressingly against Jack's, biting his lip now, choking down need they wouldn't have, couldn't.

They were never close enough.

Daniel closed his eyes tight, grimacing as Jack's finger tracked a single tear slipping down his cheek.  He turned away, pushing at Jack's restraining hand.

"I should go," Daniel said jerkily.

"No!" Jack snapped.

Daniel ignored Jack, wrenching free of the loose grip on his wrist.  "I have to go."  He made it up the steps before Jack caught him.  "Jack, please," Daniel protested wearily. He hung his head as Jack's heavy hands forced him around so they were face to face.  "I don't want to fight."

"What do you want?" Jack asked tautly.

Daniel looked up.  "I want to fuck," he said flatly.

Jack's cock jerked hard, desire panging fiercely low in his belly. Daniel's hand snaked between them to cup his crotch.

"Tell me you don't, Jack," Daniel challenged him, his hand rubbing rhythmically against Jack's throbbing erection.  "Tell me," he whispered against Jack's mouth.  Jack grabbed his ass and they flowed into a kiss deeper than any they'd shared, biting at one another's mouths as they ground their hips together.

Daniel staggered back as Jack's tongue plunged triumphantly into his mouth, Jack pushed into him and they kept moving.  Daniel's ass hit the table by the door and he hitched up onto it, wrapping his legs around Jack's back.  Jack thrust aggressively into him, stroking deep and hard, demanding his response.  Daniel fumbled at the buttons on Jack's Levi's and gave it, freeing Jack's erection to jut against his belly.

Jack literally shook from head to foot when Daniel's hand closed over his cock.  His gasp was smothered in Daniel's mouth.  He couldn't believe - couldn't think - couldn't…

This was Daniel.  His Daniel.  His own.  Daniel's trembling hand clumsily stroking him, making his whole body pound.  Daniel humping him wantonly, eyes closed, his perfect face slack and greedy with need, moaning as they kissed.

They knew enough not to do each other on the floor by the front door, instead weaving like drunks for the bathroom - the medicine cabinet.  Daniel pulled off his fine pale grey sweater, distracting Jack from his search for some kind of lubricant.

"That," Daniel said impatiently, reaching past him for a tube of cream.

After a few abortive attempts, Jack finally undid the button on Daniel's white jeans.  Daniel's fingers clasped his wrist as he pulled the zipper down and pushed the jeans down over the narrow hips and long, slender thighs.  They broke apart long enough to pull off the last of their clothes then melted back into the kiss, hands everywhere as Jack backed out of the bathroom.  Jack's fingers clenched hard enough on Daniel's bare ass to bruise.  He gloated over the silken skin and tight muscle, quivering from his touch, sliding beneath his fingers as they stumbled into the bedroom.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Jack asked urgently as the back of his knees hit the bed.  Daniel nodded tightly and shoved him hard, climbing on top of him as he sprawled back.  He rubbed himself over Jack, pressing into him like he was trying to climb inside him, passionately kissing his lined throat.  There was a rawness to this, an urgency Jack hadn't felt for twenty years.  Daniel took little nips at Jack's jaw, looking down at Jack like he was a complete stud, like Daniel didn't see all the years Jack had lived hard, like Jack was perfect.

Daniel was shaking as if he couldn’t believe he got to have this, touching Jack reverently with gentle, inquisitive fingers, lifting Jack's hand to his mouth to kiss the callused palm, to suck and blow on each finger in turn.  He kissed Jack with inexpressible sweetness, wide blue eyes dazed with love and gratitude.  "Love you, Jack," he promised.

"How'd I get so lucky?" Jack whispered, clearing his tight throat gruffly.  Daniel scooted down his body to bury his face in Jack's groin, inhaling ecstatically.  He sniffed at Jack's balls, his tongue flickering out to taste.

Jack's mind flamed.

"Morning," Jack called with desperate casualness as he walked into the briefing room, his voice much too loud.  And high.  Whoa.  Must have climbed half an octave there.  Hammond looked at him curiously as he slid into his seat and fussed over his report, which he hadn't read.

"Morning."

Daniel's response lagged behind the general's good-humoured greeting.  Jack had to look up at that point, because the guy sounded like he was choking.  Daniel was pink.  Cheeks, forehead, ears.  Everything.  Pink.

"Did you get home okay?" Jack blurted.

They both winced at the sharp question.  The unwelcome reminder.

"Sure," Daniel said flatly, futzing with his coffee mug, which he shoved impatiently away from him.

Hammond looked at Daniel, mildly curious.

"We had…" Daniel's explanation hung for an inordinately long pause.  "Food," he said weakly, waving a vague hand in Jack's direction.

"Wine," Jack supplied helpfully, rolling his eyes significantly at Daniel, who helped out by refusing to look at him.

Hammond nodded as if that explained everything.

"I caught a cab back.  It - it was late," Daniel explained unnecessarily.  He picked his pen up to help keep his fingers still, watched Hammond's brows climb and put the pen back down again.  Then he straightened it.  Then he put his hands in his lap and tried to look intelligent.

"I was worried," Jack commented.

Not worried enough to call, Daniel thought bitterly, finally looking at his ex-whatever-the-hell Jack was.  There had to be some apt name for a man who fucked you, then fucked you over.  He'd have to ask Janet.  She'd know.  She was divorced.

It wasn't the first time he'd been fucked.  Wasn't even the first time he'd been fucked over.

Jack, though.

Daniel fingers clenched reflexively, white-knuckled.

He hadn't seen Jack coming.

No pun.

Jack was happy enough to 'me too' him in the witching hour, high on berry-rich red wine and kissing.  The same very soberJack who couldn't get him out of the house fast enough at 3am.

Stone-faced and grim.

Not love, after all.  Just sex and inconvenience to Jack's command.

Daniel would have forgiven the first panicked reaction, the rush to get him dressed and out.  He'd half-expected Jack to freak, knowing how bad they'd both wanted it.  How good it had been.

Jack's tenderness was a lie.  After thirty minutes of cutting silence, Daniel knew that.  He was glad he'd had to wait for the cab.  Glad he knew how Jack felt before he'd left the house.  It would have been so much worse to have to face Jack at work this morning, to wait all day for the talk Jack would've wanted them to have, wondering if Jack was over his panic attack, if they were okay.

They weren't okay.  They were as far from that as they'd ever been.

Better this way.  Daniel left the house knowing exactly where he stood.  What could Jack say about that, really?  It was the first time Jack had been with a man and the reality was - well, Jack didn't want Daniel.  Good sex, good buddies, no strings.  That much was crystal clear.

Professionalism was a stretch when Daniel's chest was crowded with misery.  He ached.  This too he was used to.

Hammond's orders and questions flowed over Daniel, a buzz in his ears, nothing more.  He made vague affirmative noises when Hammond looked at him expectantly, but would have to wait for the minutes of the meeting before he could make sense of what he was committing himself to.  No one's life was on the line, he knew that.

He found himself watching Jack's hands as he doodled in the margins of his report, failing to look efficient as usual.  Beautiful, capable hands, callused and heavy, skilled and sensitive.  Remembering the weight of a sure touch on his skin, the first cautious stroke of pleasure inside him, Daniel's face flamed.

It took everything he had to fight the sick shame that swamped him.

"Hey."  Jack announced his presence in the office.  Daniel wasn't working but he still jumped in his chair, long fingers clenching hard on the book he wasn't reading.

"I'm working," Daniel lied.

"That why you aren't answering your phone?" Jack asked mildly.

"Leave it!" Daniel snapped, jumping up as Jack closed the door behind him.  He got in front of Jack as he was making purposefully for the door beside Daniel's desk.  "We've got nothing to talk about, Jack," he insisted.

"I wanted you to leave," Jack said quietly.  Daniel flinched like he'd smacked him, shoulders hunching as he seemed to fold in on himself before Jack's eyes.  Jack stood for a moment, his fingers lightly resting on Daniel's belly.  "Not for any of the reasons you might think."  Daniel wasn't moving, wasn't talking.  Jack wasn't sure Daniel was even breathing, but he used it to get to the other door and close it too.  That was as much privacy as they could get on base.  They shouldn't be talking about this here, but he couldn't wait.  Daniel couldn't wait.  "I didn't know what to do."

"That was apparent," Daniel retorted.  His arms crossed in front of him, hands sliding round to hug his ribcage.

Jack winced at the familiar gesture, so habitual he was sure Daniel didn't do it consciously.  As he walked over, Daniel backed away, his head dropping.  Jack caught up with him, manoeuvring him back against the workbench.  He put his own hands over Daniel's, lightly clasping his waist.  It was difficult to be close without crowding.  Daniel did look up at him then, his eyes shadowed and tight.

"There's nothing to say, Jack.  We fucked and you tossed me out of the house when you came to your senses."

"I didn't know you loved me," Jack admitted uneasily.  "That you felt so much."

"Wha-what?" Daniel whispered, stunned and paling.  "Why do you think I…"  He stood staring at Jack, mouth open, unable to think of a word to say.  He felt dazed - stupid and disconnected, as if everything was happening a long way off.  He was shivering; the only heat was from Jack's hands over his.

"The first time we go to bed together, you let me…"

"Stop!" Daniel snarled, "Stop right there.  Let?" he demanded angrily.  "I didn't 'let' you fuck me, Jack.  I wanted you.  Period.  Sex is about equality as well as intimacy.  Partnership.  You've been  married.  I thought you got that."

"Of course I do!  It's just…I wasn't expecting…" Jack didn't know what to say either.  When did he ever?  He scrubbed wearily at his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"It isn't different between men," Daniel said more quietly.  "That part at least.  It shouldn't be."

The bleak, bewildered hurt in his voice cut Jack like a knife.

"I thought I could do this, Daniel," Jack said helplessly.  "I swear…I figured we'd hang out, cruise through it all until my knees finally give out and I have to blow this gig for good.  It has to be that way."

"For the team."

"Yes for the goddamned team," Jack growled.  "I wanted you out of it because I can't - now I've been with you I can't stop, okay!" he yelled.  "I can't, I don't even want to, and I have to.  I have to.  We…I was supposed to retire before we…I don't know what to do, Daniel.  I don't have a fucking clue."  He stared at Daniel, hungry and thwarted, suddenly snatching at one of Daniel's hands to pull it between them, cupping it over his crotch just as Daniel had last night.  Daniel's breath caught when Jack's did.  The soft touch of Daniel's hand through the fabric of his BDUs was enough to make Jack's cock swell and throb.  Just that and Daniel's nearness.  The memory of making love.

Jack leaned in to rest his face on Daniel's shoulder.

"I'm in love with you," Jack whispered into the warm skin of Daniel's neck.  He shuddered pitiably as Daniel's arms came around him, and pulled Daniel into a fierce embrace.  "In love.  You know what that means.  It was in your eyes, in the way you were with me.  That was it for you."

"You know it was," Daniel murmured huskily.  "You hurt me."

"I meant to," Jack said bleakly.  "I needed to."

"Why?" Daniel persisted.  "Talk to me," he urged.  "Please, Jack.  Don't shut me out."

The offer of help Jack hadn't, couldn't, ask for was there.

"Please."

Jack hated the plea in Daniel's voice, hated doing this to someone he loved.  "I shut Sara out," he blurted, leaning back to clasp Daniel's face urgently.  "I can't shut you out.  I have to - and I can't."

"This is about being team leader?" Daniel asked tentatively, frowning.

It was one of the things Jack had always liked best about Daniel, that he never rushed to judge or belittle.  Daniel was hurting badly, more than a little afraid.  Still trusting, still reaching out though.

"Did your feelings change because we…"

"Made love," Jack interrupted, more harshly than he'd intended.  He kissed an apology, nuzzling Daniel's throat.

He'd sat on his couch for hours after Daniel left, remembering the soft, pleasured moans Daniel made as Jack moved inside him, his supple body rocked by each of Jack's steady, measured thrusts.  The weight of Daniel's ass on Jack's quivering thighs, the sharp twinges in his knees as he rhythmically drove his hips into silken, gripping heat fitting and holding him exactly, Daniel's pleasure rippling around him…he'd never imagined it could be so good.  Even having Daniel's long legs draped over his shoulders had a dignity, an eroticism he hadn't suspected.  It was easy for them to touch and kiss, Daniel reaching up to Jack again and again.  When Jack wasn't reaching for him.

They'd held hands.  It felt right. As right as the way Daniel's shoulders arched off the bed, his head thrashing when Jack's cock rubbed over the sweet spot he found again and again, Daniel rocking his hips up to meet each stroke deep inside him…

"I could keep a lid on it before," Jack admitted, starkly honest.  "I could jerk off and imagine how you'd taste, how you'd feel and sound.  Use the frustration."

"You can't afford the distraction," Daniel recognised sorrowfully.

"I want you," Jack whispered.  "Here.  Now.  We feel too much, and I don't know what to do about it."

Daniel kissed him, gasping as Jack's lips ground against his, opening to the tongue ravaging his mouth.  Jack's weight bore him staggering back against the workbench, digging painfully into his hip as Jack's steely erection strained into him.  Daniel held Jack, riding out this storm of fear and frustration with him, giving as good as he got, biting down to still Jack's sinuous assault.  He sucked softly, almost smiling when Jack's breath sobbed, the kiss deepening and gentling to soft, rasping slides of tongue on tongue.

"I don't want to stop," he gasped when Jack snatched a few panting breaths.

"I figured that out last night." Jack's thin smile was humourless.

"No," Daniel retorted impatiently.  "I mean I don't think we should stop.  You can't quit the team.  We need you," he said casually, frowning as he tried to frame his tumbling thoughts.

"Thank you.  I think."

"We've tried this without you, remember?" Daniel dryly reminded him.  "Trust me, Makepeace being a traitor was strictly a side-issue from where we were standing."

"So we have sex twice a night and every time the team goes out I try and keep my mind off your ass and on the treeline?" Jack demanded.

"You never looked at my ass before last night?" Daniel enquired mildly.  "You've had your hand on it on off-world on at least three occasions I recall."

Jack cleared his throat gruffly, refusing to make eye contact.

"You don't think having sex two or three times a night will make you less distracted?" Daniel coaxed, stroking Jack's back soothingly.

"No."  Jack hesitated.  "Two or three?"

"Or four.  Familiarity breeds contempt," Daniel suggested vaguely.

"Not in the case of your ass it doesn’t," Jack said grimly, his wayward cock twitching.

"You can't leave the team."

"Neither can you."

"We can't have sex because it's too distracting, but thinking about sex all the time is equally distracting," Daniel mused.  "I don't know what to do either, except break this off."

"Exactly," Jack said flatly.

"We hurt each other or we hurt Sam and Teal'c," Daniel sighed.

"Potentially."

"We can't be together, we can't be apart."

Jack shook his head.  "It doesn't change how I feel," he promised Daniel gently.  "I was wrong, I guess, but I just wanted to get you clear of this mess."

"Your instinct is to protect, Jack, I understand that," Daniel reassured him.

Dull red tided Jack's face.  "Fuck," he said dully.  "I didn't think anything would make this worse."

"I can only think of one thing we can do," Daniel said gravely.  "Be honest.  With each other."

Jack winced, reaching out to hold Daniel's nape in a rough, tight grip.  "I did it for the best, Daniel.  I did it for you."  He drew Daniel down to his shoulder.  "I swear."

"You were wrong, Jack, and we're…we're not fine." Daniel shifted his suddenly pounding head restlessly over the rough fabric of Jack's fatigues.  "We will be.  May be."

Jack stiffened, then nodded tightly.

"I trust Sam and Teal'c," Daniel went on.  "But this is a lot to ask of them.  If they need us out of the team…we owe it to them."  He looked up then to see Jack pale.  "Ashamed, Jack?" he asked, aching.

"Of breaking the rules, of breaking my word?  Sure.  How could I not be?" Jack kissed Daniel's brow.  "Of being in love with you?  No.  I promise."

"No promises, Jack," Daniel said tightly.  "Just honesty."  He reached behind him for the phone, Jack's hand closing around his wrist.  "It was never about just the two of us.  Last night - if we were free to choose for ourselves, it would be that way."

Jack heard the pleading note in Daniel's soft voice, the need for reassurance.  He would offer what he could, because he'd wiped out Daniel's certainty of happiness, of being loved, in thirty minutes of silent, unsubtle rejection.  His motives didn't matter.  Only this.  Daniel.  Generous enough not to quit on him.  Needy enough, maybe that was part of it too.

Letting his kids know, that was an ending, one way or the other.  It hurt to open himself up like this, to expose his failings.  Maybe lose their respect.  His command.  It didn't hurt him as much as making Daniel feel cheap.  Daniel wouldn't get over this in a day.  Maybe not ever, not wholly.  Trust, the kind Daniel offered Jack freely - that wasn't a small thing.  For Daniel, it was everything.

What Jack did last night was something Daniel would have to get over, like so many things that had hurt him in his life.  It shouldn't be that way, but for Daniel it was.

Daniel needed this from Jack, needed him to work to make things right between them, to earn his trust again.  Making Daniel happy was a small thing, it took so little.  For Jack, it was everything.  "We lay our cards on the table, huh?"

"I hate to lie," Daniel said quietly.  "I know it was for your sake we kept our feelings private, for the good of the team, for your career.  I was never happy about it.  I was uncomfortable concealing our relationship from the Air Force, and lying to Sam and Teal'c…" Daniel bit his lip.  "Not having sex wasn't justification for lying to our friends about our relationship, Jack.  We've been compromised for months.  We've been compromising them."

"In vino veritas," Jack announced.

Daniel blinked hard, his eyelashes fluttering.

Jack kissed Daniel tenderly, almost chastely.  "I've been lying to myself, Daniel," he said regretfully.  "What we were last night - that was the truth.  I want to be with you.  I want to make love and see you all the time.  I don't see how that's possible.  We have to decide what's more important.  Us.  Or SG-1."

"It's not our decision alone to make, Jack," Daniel decided.  "I can't…"  He looked down.  "I can't go on like this.  I can't be alone.  I'm sorry."

The weary defeat in Daniel's voice hurt Jack, though it wasn't meant to.  He'd pushed Daniel too hard, expected more than Daniel could give.  Jack was ashamed he hadn't seen how afraid Daniel was of being alone, how much he yearned for connection.  Daniel went too easy on Jack, carried too damn much and said too little.  "We talk to Carter and Teal'c.  If they know about us, maybe - maybe they can help," he offered impulsively, mouth engaging before brain, as usual.

Daniel looked up eagerly.  "If Sam had some latitude - if she could say if she thought there was favouritism or - or…"

Jack had to smile at that.  Daniel had so much confidence in Carter and Teal'c.  He was struck by a sudden memory of Teal'c in the dunes on Vorash, unnervingly, infuriatingly sure Daniel and Carter would come for them.  Jack had the same confidence in their loyalty, in their judgement before he stepped over the line, before he got personally involved with Daniel.  It was his mistake, one of many, to forget who they were when he was the one who was changing.  "If they trust me with their lives, the team can go on," Jack told Daniel seriously.  "It's their choice."

"And if they can't trust us?" Daniel asked anxiously.

The 'us' warmed Jack.  "How much are you willing to bet they won't?" Jack challenged Daniel softly. Watching Daniel's slow, shy smile, Jack finally accepted his choice was made whatever Carter and Teal'c decided about his place on the team.  He picked up the phone and dialled.

FINIS

Feedback makes the difference between writing and posting; please contact me at biblio@jd-divas.com