UM - ABOUT JACK... BY BIBLIO AND PHOENIXE

TRANSCRIPT OF SGC SECURITY COVERT SURVEILLANCE OPERATION ‘SPACEMONKEY’.

To: Colonel Jack O’Neill, USAF

From: Sergeant Emily Louis, Base Security, Cheyenne Mountain Complex

Date: 10th June 2001

Sir

As requested, our covert operative was able to provide a verbatim transcript of Doctor Jackson’s EXTREMELY frank, possibly GRAPHIC, top secret, ‘disclosure on pain of Doctor Jackson coming around and looking at you reproachfully’ (a fate worse than death) induction of the latest intake of civilian recruits.  The induction took the form of a video presentation followed by a PowerPoint slideshow and lecture, as you expected, with a Q&A session at the end.  All comments are Doctor Jackson’s until the Q&A transcript.

Remarks in //are observations by the covert security operative// whose identity has, with the greatest respect, frankly been concealed to improve her chances of survival given your explicit order to be furnished with the unexpurgated text of the transcript.

//Dr Jackson began his presentation with a brief compilation of video clips of Colonel O’Neill in action from various SG-1 missions. The montage had a certain Spielbergian visceral quality that reminded me of the beach landing in ‘Saving Private Ryan’.  The clip graphically illustrated Dr Jackson’s opening point.//

#Video footage ends.
#Dr Jackson steps into the spotlight and commences his induction talk.

“DON’T TELL JACK!”

//The audience responded with hysteria-tinged laughter, but with DrJ giving the talk, that was the only pain we were feeling.  This guy is smokin’!.  How come nobody told me?  Glad nobody gets to see this transcript unedited!//

“In the sense you REALLY, truly need to know this stuff, but at the same time, I DON’T want to hurt Jack’s feelings.  A little discretion, please.”

//Anything you want, hon. Woof!//

#Slide 01

“I can’t think of any way to phrase this tactfully, so I’m just going to say it.  Jack will hate you.  It doesn’t matter how intelligent, competent or co-operative you are, he’ll still hate you.  You are scientists and Jack has a ‘problem’ with scientists. ‘Problem’ is a polite euphemism, or Jack-speak, for uncontrollable hatred.”

“Um…if we’re being brutally honest here, Jack is pretty much a one-geek colonel and I’m afraid none of you are the geek in question.”

“The other two won’t like you either, and Sam…Major Carter…will argue with you, but they’re a lot more polite about it.  Oh, and whatever he may look like, Teal’c probably won’t hurt you just because you’re not me.  I’m…fairly…certain he won’t, not unless you…um…never mind.”

//DrJ became slightly confused at this point, blushed – woof woof! – and hurried on to slide two.//

#Slide 02

“Jack adores having people think he’s mad, bad and dangerous to know.”

//I was disappointed to see what I can only describe as a look of doting fondness on DrJ’s face as he said this.//

“Don’t allow yourself to be intimidated by all the sound and fury.  It’s just surface crust.  Jack is a pushover with a P90, I swear.”

//DrJ appeared to be alone in his serene conviction this was in fact the truth.  After the video montage, I’m afraid the rest of us were pretty much going with homicidal maniac cum mouthy, mean spirited prick.//

“I never have the least difficulty persuading him do the opposite of what he planned to do, or doing what he planned to do for an entirely different reason.”

//The guy next to me muttered something about none of the rest of us having DrJ’s ass-ets.  I’m pretty sure he’s on General Ryan’s staff at the Pentagon, which means we’ve got Jack The Lad on one hand and Perfect Paul on the other.  DrJ is between the devil and the deep blue sea, here.  Sooner or later, he WILL fall off this tightrope he doesn’t even know he’s walking, bless him, and either the colonel or the major will be there to catch him.  After the video montage, I wouldn’t put it past O’Neill to give DrJ a good hard shove.//

#Slide 03

“O-kaay.  ‘He’s intimidated by my intelligence.’  Repeat this mantra to yourself when he chooses to ‘bond’ with you while idly hurling his knife at a nearby tree over and over again, or while cleaning his gun.  If you think the gun cleaning is menacing, he’s getting to you.  Don’t pander to the man.  Repeat your mantra and give him attitude.”

//DrJ beamed at us at this point, and we beamed back, hoping he didn’t pick up on the frankly sceptical silence.  It doesn’t seem to have occurred to the Spacemonkey that O’Neill’s bonding with him was markedly at variance with the ritual he’d just described to us.  O’Neill MEANS that shit with the knife.//

'However, having said all that…don't let HIS vacant stare fool YOU.   Jack is not dumb, he merely pretends to be, for tactical reasons.  Most of which have nothing to do with any actual mission objectives and everything with his need to level the playing field by - there's no easy way to put this, really - reducing the intellectual competition to a pool of insecure protoplasm.  If you let his continued gawping, grunting and scratching fool you and you start muttering things like 'I don't understand how they could make someone this dense a colonel' and slowly enunciating words like 'bet-ter' for him, he will start throwing unexpectedly erudite terms like 'ecretion disk' at you and the only one who'll be looking like a fool is you. .  He'll have you where he wants you.”

//Hon, in your case, that means flat on your back, bare-assed naked and covered in whipped cream.//

“Don't let this happen.  Jack may at times not know his neutrinos from his nintendos…”

//The Geek and the Game Boy?//

// Strangely enough, most of the geeks had a Donkey Kong moment here and cheered up.  They’re not just geeks.  They’re nerds.//

“…but then he doesn't have to.  That's why he has us.   And lest we belittle his contribution to the effort, trust me on this, when someone starts shooting at you, you'll appreciate HIS area of expertise."

//There was a moment of confusion while the nerds tried to work out which game DrJ was referencing there, then realisation sank in and killed – you’ll excuse the expression - the party mood stone dead.//

#Slide 04

“Jack is not the SLIGHTEST bit interested in 99.99% of everything you say.  He tunes you out and just murmurs the occasional ‘mm hm’ or ‘are we DONE yet?’ unless you use trigger words like ‘kill’, ‘maim’ or ‘hostage’.  ‘I think she likes me’ works just as quickly, for some strange reason.”

//At which point the smart money is on O’Neill rampaging around fulfilling the ‘kill’ and ‘maim’ part.//

“I have to confess I’ve had a lot of fun with his tendency to agree to whatever you’ve just said in order to shut you up as quickly as possible, and often without any clue about what he’s just agreed to.  For example, Jack and I are engaged to be married, he prefers crochet to hockey, and he’s confessed a liking for wearing fishnets.”

//DrJ – Daniel - paused at this point, clearly inviting us to share his little joke.  What can I say?  The eyes!  The lips!  The smile!  O’Neill?  Who cares!  Just pout for the nice people, Daniel, we’re with ya…rolling in the aisles here.//

//Actually, the fishnets thing?  Would NOT surprise me in the slightest.  O’Neill is SCARY.  Talk about repressed.//

#Slide 05

"O-kaay.  Moving right along from that last point.  Jack's expectations vis a vis your mission performance.  They're a bit….ah…high.  And I'm not talking about whether or not you can shoot straight.   Jack might not like scientists, but he will allow we do have our uses in the field on occasion and furthermore expects you to be omniscient when he does actually need you.”

//Ooh.  Shocker.//

“Which is indeed the case more than you'd expect or he would like to admit, actually.   While most of the time he won't want to hear from you, when he does ask you a question - and he will if he needs to - he will expect you to have the answer.  If not immediately, then fairly quickly.   You have to pay attention, though, because the question - or when he's asking you to explain something to him -  well it isn't always obvious he's doing it. His requests for information can take the form of pointed and exasperated looks, grunts, rather sharp elbows to the ribs, rolling the eyes, excited gestures and repeated and interesting variations on the pronunciation of your name.  I think I've heard him say Daniel hundreds of different ways and it never quite means the same thing twice.”

//Ha!  I’m betting O’Neill is real good at subtext, then, ‘cause I bet even if you hear ‘Daniel: I’ve got your six’, it actually means something like ‘Daniel: I want to lick warm honey from your six’.  The Clue Bus just keeps right on zooming by you, hon, huh?//

“If there is a problem, he will expect you to have the solution.  Sometimes you will, and sometimes you won't.  We're only human after all.  Whatever you do - if you're drawing a blank do NOT attempt to bluff your way through it or lie to him.  Like I said, he's not dumb.  He just acts that way."

//Give that man an Oscar!//

#Slide 06

“It’s probably a good idea to share a tent with Teal’c and Sam if you can.  In practical terms that means you only have to deal with Sam.  Don’t worry about her reputation.”

//This boy has the SWEETEST little smile.  Jeez.  Kind of mischievous, you know?  What am I saying?  Of course you know!!!//

“This is the military, they think about sex all the time.  Your gender is irrelevant to the prurient, which is all of them except General Hammond.”

//Er…not QUITE as clueless as we all HOPED he was.  I’m blushing here.  Nobody thinks O’Neill is good enough for DrJ, but half the base IS fantasising about the two of them together.  O’Neill might be a prick, but he’s a prick in hottie clothing.//

“It’s pretty firmly established that Sam is the kind of woman who’d bite you as soon as look at you.  And she’s got the gun, and the level three in hand to hand combat and everything…Just stick to physics, your side of the tent, DON’T snore, no matter WHAT, and I’m pretty sure everything will be fine.”

//He tried to look encouraging at this point.  Wasted effort.  The geeks were horrified, while Perfect Paul’s plant and I were still hot under the collar, each picturing the geek of our choice and Sammie.  Tell it, Doc.  Testify!  We have no shame.  We’re mutts.//

“The alternative is sharing a tent with…Jack.   He’s a…well…not to put too fine a point on it…he’s a snuggler.  You may wake up wondering how he got in your sleeping bag with you.  I know I do!”

//This was another little joke that fell rather flat.  Everyone flashed back to a) the video montage b) the bonding over an idly tossed knife thing.  The majority decision was pretty much we would snuggle up to a grenade with the pin pulled before we’d snuggle up to O’Neill.  The end result would be the same regardless.  O’Neill doth murder sleep and probably you along with it.//

“He also makes a lot of unwarranted accusations about who snuggled up to whom, who was snoring like a buzz saw, who’s getting fat, and with a lot of juvenile sniggering, who needs to get out more…”

//The good doctor trailed off at this point, confused and blushing.  We got the distinct impression he had no real protest to raise about the whole sleeping bag thing, and I’m still amazed he didn’t drown in the resulting sea of hormones, ‘cause even the geeks were getting off on fantasising about Daniel and O’Neill together.  Who knew?  Geeks are mutts too.//

//It’s amazing how Daniel can put two and two together and the colonel still can’t make Daniel.  You’re SURE he was Special Ops?  ‘Cause if he is, the guy is not just horny, he’s in wuv.//

“Basically, you should stick with Sam regardless of gender.  The worst she can do is shoot you if you annoy her.  Jack will make you WISH you were dead.  Or him!”

//Oh, God.  He’s chuckling.  It’s adorable.  If the hormone level spikes any higher in here I’m not sure PP’s plant and I can protect him.  I AM pretty sure we could get to him first if we stick together though…and then it’s every mutt for herself.//

"Dr Evil impersonations?  If you value your sanity, do NOT encourage him!  And when he starts doing Homer Simpson just walk away."

//O’Neill: the gift that keeps on giving.//

#Slide 07

“Jack’s knees are situationally flexible.  He will reference his cartilage problem, his ‘little ACL thing’ from time to time.”

//There were blank stares from the non-jock types, which allowed PP’s plant and I to feel pleasantly superior for the first time.  We know Latin they don’t know!  We know Latin they don’t know!  Say it with me: Anterior Cruciate Ligament.  Actually, they’d probably know that if we spelled it out for them.  ‘We know Latin acronyms they don’t know!’ just doesn’t have the same oomph, somehow.//

“Usually times when there is work to be done, such as pitching the tents, digging latrines, fetching or carrying anything, which is when he rubs his knee, plants himself on the most comfy log or rock and makes a big production job of checking stuff out with his binoculars.  He even writes things down in the little notebook he carries for added verisimilitude.”

“In my opinion Jack has already ‘threat assessed’ the looming prospect of what looks like too much hard work for him, and his ‘proportional response’ is to make like the colonel, knowing perfectly well Sam and Teal’c - who are both perceptive in every other respect - will let him get away with it every time because it’s TACTICAL.”

“Sometimes he takes a little walk, known euphemistically as ‘checking the perimeter defences’ if the planet isn’t very nice, and a ‘patrol’ if it’s some gorgeous tropical paradise and he wants to catch some rays without an audience.  If it’s pissing down, he will invariably be found inside the ‘command tent’, i.e., whichever tent the rest of us get pitched first, doing ‘command’ things.  A colonel’s work is apparently never done.”

//DrJ looks deeply sceptical.  PP’s plant and I both feel a pang of admiration for O’Neill.  He’s got them totally snowed.  The geeks don’t look happy with the prospect of slave labour on top of everything else O’Neill is going to be putting them through the minute he has them at his mercy in some arboreal off-world hellhole.//

#Slide 08

"If you should happen to find yourself in a situation where a certain potential for incurring serious bodily harm exists - not that I want to alarm you or anything, but let's be realistic here, it's a dangerous galaxy out there - as in being taken prisoner by a hostile alien force - don't be alarmed if Jack suddenly starts mouthing off and making a spectacle of himself in front of the bad guys for no apparent reason.  Making you want to belt him for making a fuss and drawing attention to himself.”

//Er…no.  No-o.  Gauging audience reaction here, I’d have to say the far more likely scenario is that our distinguished representatives of Geeks’R’Us would be screaming stuff like ‘Shoot him!  PLEASE.  Just shoot him!  Shoot him NOW!’//

“This is actually what he's doing.  He's not suddenly taken all leave of his senses and started inexplicably acting like an asshole, he is in fact doing his job.”

//Er, I think I’ve spotted the flaw in an otherwise stunningly perceptive observation, and I know I’m speaking for most of us when I say: how would we tell?  Give us something to work with here, hon.  A little situational clue, ‘cause looking out for an asshole behaving like…an asshole…just ain’t enough to go on.//

“He's protecting his team.  You.”

//You, maybe.  It’s every geek for himself from where I’m sitting.//

“This is a tactical manoeuvre called 'drawing their fire' which Jack employs quite effectively in tense situations to protect us.  He gets the bad guys to focus on him so they will leave us alone.  It does tend to get him shot up proportionally more than the rest of us as a result.  If your first aid skills aren't up to date, I suggest you attend to that."

//So, this is the point you have to convince a seething, shot up O’Neill you picked up on his cunning plan to make himself a target and you hope he appreciates how hard it was for you to swallow your principles and play along with him to the best of your lung capacity while in truth every part of you yearned to intervene on his behalf.  Ri-ight.  Also the perfect point to say definitively who gets your stereo, ‘cause you sure as shit won’t be needing it after O’Neill gets through with you.  Forget the first aid: make sure your last will and testament is up to date.//

#Slide 09

“Jack can be a tad…judgemental.”

//Just leave out the judge part and you’ve nailed it.//

“He tends to assume, possibly on a molecular level, that everyone and everything is a potential threat until conclusively proved otherwise, to his satisfaction, and then, you know, he’s really very nice.”

//A tentative geek hand was slowly raised at this point.//

“Look, just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it’ll never happen!”

//Methinks the doctor doth protest too much.  He got a little defensive, mostly because the audience couldn’t seem to quantify the level of certainty it would take for O’Neill not to zat you where you stood just for looking at him funny.  It…showed.  We were all thinking about poor Rothman (the word had spread).  DrJ could tell by the way everybody stopped checking out his butt and started checking out their shoes, ceilings…ANYTHING.  We hurt his feelings and felt like shit.  One reproachful sidelong glance could stop a charging bull elephant in its tracks.  Hell, it could even stop O’Neill, and he’s like, 90% testosterone.//

#Slide 10

“Jack has a regrettable tendency to blow things up.  If in doubt, he throws a bomb at it!”

//I rest my case re the testosterone.  Meanwhile, one of the geeks felt compelled to ask what ‘it’ was.//

“Um, anything.  Well, everything really.  If he thinks it’s a threat.  Or…they…are.  Um…”

//This answer failed to reassure even me.  No wonder the oh-so-Perfect Paul is dying to get Daniel away from O’Neill.//

“I’m never sure if Jack is into demolition, detonation or incineration, but he certainly gets a lot of simple pleasure out of blowing things up.”

//One of the geeks made a spirited break for the briefing room door at this point, but as the refreshment table was right by the door, and DrJ innocently asked if he could have a glass of Evian water while she was up, no harm no foul.//

//He has such exquisite manners.  Sigh. I can’t BELIEVE he’s an orphan.  I hardly know him and already I feel compelled to search out and take out everyone who’s ever let him down, though I suspect O’Neill got there before me and took care of DrJ’s past with extreme prejudice.//

“And while we're on the subject of blowing things up - when Jack gets a bit blown up he makes the same amount of fuss over a paper cut as he does over a sucking chest wound.  It is therefore impossible to gauge the severity of the injury by the amount of complaining/ screaming/ howling/ moaning/ whining he is making.  Ignore the sound and fury and do what you have to do.  He can get pretty loud.  Verbally abusive as well, if you try to help him. He always apologises later, though. And no matter what he says he will not make you pay for hurting him if you have to in order to help him..."

//You’re smart enough to get the gun away from him first, huh?  Thanks for this, DrJ, really.  I’m sure we’ll all sleep better in your bed knowing O’Neill is such a sweet-talkin’ teddybear.//

//DrJ then made an ill-advised attempt to lighten the leaden atmosphere with humour.  It was a brave effort, but he was dealing with the Induction Of The Damned.  They had that certain ‘we who are about to die, salute you’ glazed look about them.  I was forcibly reminded of that gladiator in the movie.  You know?  The one who stood in front of Maximus and pissed himself?//

#Slide 11

“Jack will be really impressed if you remember these two simple facts.  Firstly, the moment the pin is pulled, Mister Grenade is NOT your friend.  Secondly, if you can’t remember which way you set up the claymore, it’s pointing towards you!”

//Only PP’s plant and I got it, and LOL’d.  Everyone else stalled at Mister Grenade and gaped incredulously at this sweet, gentle, truly scrumptious archaeologist and realised he MEANT it.  Bless.  O’Neill would be proud.//

“Oh, and don’t take the safety off until he tells you to or people start shooting, whichever comes soonest.”

//Another geek hand crept up.  Take the safety off WHAT exactly?  He totally lost them when he started talking about sidearms, MP5s, staff weapons, zat guns and something called a TPER.  Losers.  DrJ manages to be a gentleman, a scholar, a soldier, a sweetie AND a hottie JUST fine IMO!!!  Talk about multi-tasking!  Woo!  Unfortunately, I see every single thing O’Neill and the Perfect Paul see in him.  Bastards.//

#Slide 12

“Jack can be a little on the pushy side.  Be prepared to be assertive over any advice, guidance or instructions you give him.”

//The general audience consensus was look in the dictionary under implacable, incessant, inexorable, persistent, relentless, unremitting and unstoppable, and you’ll find mug shots of Colonel Jack O’Neill.  Sorry, hon, this is NOT news.//

“Please remember that if he says something is an order, you HAVE to do it, no matter how silly it seems.  He doesn’t always have time to explain, and it’s almost always for your own and your team’s safety.”

“I’ve saved this as my last point, because in some ways it’s the most important.  Your role is a balancing act.  You cannot endanger your teammates, but at the same time your function is to present alternatives, to think outside the box.  You won’t actually be outside the chain of command, because as a civilian consultant your 'rank' is at least the equivalent of Jack’s.  It’s your responsibility to think of things your teammates won’t and to make sure Jack listens to you when you point them out.”

//DrJ looked adorably pensive, prompting severe spikage in the hormone levels.  I suspect nothing short of a blow to the head would stop O’Neill in his tracks long enough to be made to listen to you.//

“Jack is a very honourable man and he always TRIES to do the right thing, and he does everything as well as he can.  All I’m saying is that Jack isn’t always RIGHT about what the right thing is.  Sometimes he’s very definite about the wrong thing.  You just need to be firm with him.”

//Dr J looked at us hopefully.  We looked depressed and in some cases, totally unnerved.  Hard to balance on that high wire between lateral thinker and mutineer with O’Neill taking pot shots at you.  DrJ sighed heart-rendingly.  He was not alone.//

“He’s the best man I’ve ever known and the best friend I’ve ever had.”

//Aw, CRAP.  Dirty pool, here!  Daniel looked HURT.  We all felt like unconscionably petty-minded selfish bastards and caved spinelessly.  Even PP’s plant joined in the encouraging noises as we strove as one to cheer Daniel up and convince him we had a firm grip on O’Neill’s good qualities.  Fortunately, Daniel didn’t enquire too closely.  I don’t think anyone could have come up with a single O’Neill good quality apart from ‘crack shot’ if he’d asked.//

#Dr Jackson stopped the PowerPoint presentation and invited the inductees to partake of refreshments.

//The geeks hit the trough, big time; really porked it away.  Things got a little ugly when DrJ enquired about the whereabouts of his caramel apple pie and PP’s plant was eating it.  I trod heavily on PPP’s foot, but I wasn’t the only one.  Dr Kwach ‘spilled’ her coffee on him.  He looked like he wanted to make something of it, but she’s about 4’10” and he’s about 6’4” and she still looked pissed enough to take him.  We slunk back to our seats, feeling like crap because Daniel had to make do with a glass of Evian water.  Apparently, the caramel apple was a little treat to make up for the fact he was on a reduced caffeine intake.  Everyone was shooting PPP killing looks, except dear DrJ of course.  He just took the prick out at the knees by asking wistfully if he enjoyed his pie.//

#Dr Jackson inadvertently started a loop of his initial video montage, without sound.

“Perhaps you’d like to ask me some questions now?  About my experiences with Jack and SG-1?”

//I didn’t have the heart to tell him his experiences were playing out graphically behind him, wide screen.//

"Dr McCoy?"

"Do you sleep in the nude?"

"What?  No - um… I mean - that's got nothing to do with - ah!  Dr Remora?”

//Dr Rafe Remora!  Hah!  Sounds like a friggin’ intern on ‘General Hospital’.  What’s wrong with Ralph?//

“Dr Jackson, thanks for reassuring us that Colonel O’Neill’s bark is worse than his bite, particularly when it comes to ‘bonding’.  Ha ha.  May I ask if we get full benefits?  Medical, dental?”

//DrJ brightened up.  A question he could answer without blushing.  Although he's so ADORABLE when….whew!  Hot in here!  Fanning self!!!//

“Stress counselling, intensive psychotherapy and the like?”

“Oh yes. Intensive - very intensive – comprehensive...therapy.  Body and mind, all part of the package.  Rest assured, you're fully covered.  The military takes very good care to put you back together when you get broken.  It even goes that extra mile, thoughtfully providing you with treatment you don't even need, all for your own good, of course. Not to mention very private and secure accommodations.  Whether you want them or not.  And drugs!  Don't forget the drugs!  Also free of charge and whether you want them pumped into your system or not - ah….perhaps we should move on.  Anyone else have anything...else?”

//You couldn’t plumb the depths of the appalled silence.//

“Yes?  Dr Kovac?”

//Bull.  Perfect Paul’s plant is no more a doctor than I am.//

“Are the rules about fraternisation strict?”

“Fraternisation?  Um… I'm not really sure…that is…well, yes I suppose they are, but… I've never really…you'll pardon me, but I'm not quite sure what this has to do with…Jack…uh - next question?”

//DrJ looked totally at sea on this one, poor angel.//

“Could you date a fellow member of the SGC?”

"Uh….well, I guess….ah, well, in theory, I suppose so, it's not exactly encouraged - but - that is, I mean…why are you asking me this?”

//Because Perfect Paul is too much of a wuss to ask you himself if you’re already gettin’ it three times a night from O’Neill.//

“ARE you dating a fellow member of the SGC?  Ha ha.”

//This was SO NOT FUNNY!  Perfect Paul must be DESPERATE!  Daniel rose gallantly to the occasion, even if he was mortified.//

“I thank you for your interest in my personal life, but I believe these questions are straying a bit beyond the purview of this orientation session.  Aside from my social life being none of your business, I'm sure no one else in this room cares about what I do with my spare time so in the interests of not wasting everyone's time and boring them silly,  I'd appreciate it if you would keep your inquiries on topic.”

//Unfortunately, for PP, this IS on topic.//

“Yes, Dr Kovac?  Something ELSE I can help you with?”

//I DO NOT blame him for being a little crisp in his tone.  I’m gonna prune the SHIT out of this ‘plant’ the minute we get clear of the base.//

“Have you considered that your talents might be better served by promoting the military’s understanding of the ‘meaning of life stuff’?  A job at the Pentagon would put you in a position to influence the great military minds of our generation.  And I happen to know there’s some office space at AF-6-14.”

"What, and give up show business? Ah - sorry.  Hanging around Jack O'Neill does things to you…”

//Not as many things as he’d like, I’m sure.//

“Thank you for that piece of information, as non-sequitur as it is.  While everything you've just told me is extremely flattering I must confess I am puzzled.  Where would you get the idea the quote ‘great military minds of our generation’ are a) even aware of my existence and b) even the slightest bit interested in anything I might have to say?  From the few snatches of gossip which have floated from the Pentagon to our little corner of the mountain here, mostly originating from Major Davis’  - the office you just mentioned -  I've heard my name is being bandied around certain hallowed halls in conjunction with such phrases as 'insubordinate, troublesome bastard,'  'civilian know-it-all', 'political nightmare' and 'isn't he dead YET'?. As I haven't exactly been shy in voicing my opinion about the way the military does things, on many well-documented occasions, not to mention given certain branches of it the outright finger, I have the impression I'd not be exactly welcomed with open arms in our nation's capital. Major Davis' very complimentary, but slightly unrealistic estimation of the value of my potential contribution to the education and edification of the minds of the high and mighty to the contrary. I prefer to avoid Washington as much as possible and am quite happy where I am, thanks.”

//You GO boy!//

“Professor Goodheart?”

“Thank you, Dr Jackson!  I’m afraid my mind is still dwelling on the ‘bonding’ ritual a little.  Er…has Colonel O’Neill ever been offensive or injurious towards you in any way?”

"Never!  Absolutely not!  Jack's never…Well…not deliberately!  I mean, okay, yes, sometimes he does yell at me, but he yells at everyone, that's just his way. The nicknames ARE annoying, but I'm learning to adjust. He wasn't in his right mind when he hit me that one time. That wasn't his fault - it was the influence of the ‘touched’ virus.  And he hasn't - well, that wasn't his fault either, he didn't really HIT me, just, ah, threw me over his shoulder and then tried to stomp on me a bit, but he didn't KNOW it was me - you see, we all had our minds wiped and…The business in the mine was a fluke. It was just bad luck the shot happened to hit the rock face right where I was. I know I was chained up, but I could have tried to move a LITTE faster…We were trying to escape!  You grab your moment when you can - really, sometimes out there, things just…happen.  And the blowing up thing was - oh, never mind…”

“I see.  Verbal abuse, physical assault, carelessness re chained ankles and rock falls, and several attempts to blow you to smithereens.  I’d really hate to find out what he does to people who AREN’T his friends.”

//Prick!  Daniel EXPLAINED all of that, eloquently.  Passionately…WOOF!//

“It was NOT several attempts, it was…Listen.  I'm not sure what you're trying to imply, here and I certainly don't like what I'm hearing.  I won't lie to any of you - this is a very dangerous job.  Things happen out there.  People get hurt.  People - die.  The very fact I'm standing here at all right now is due to Jack O'Neill.  He's saved my life more times than you want to know about.  Think what you will about him as far as I am concerned he's entitled to his quirks.  Because I know when we're out - there - HE'S looking out for me.  The same way he'll look out for every one of you. I wouldn't want to be out there with anyone else, and if you're smart, neither would you.  He may grouse and complain and make you wish you were never born, at times, but when the chips are down he'll bring you home.  He won't leave you behind, won't give up on you and he'll lay his own life on the line for you if he has to.  Without a second's hesitation.  He's a damned fine man and the best one I know at what he does.  He's - he's Jack.  There's no one else like him.  That's all you really need to know."

//Oh, that was just SO-O sweet.  Plus, he’s totally edible when he’s all flushed and indignant.  I SINCERELY hope O’Neill knows what he has in DrJ and FULLY appreciates the MAGNITUDE of his good fortune!!!!  OR ELSE.//

“YES, Dr Kovac?”

“Could you just recap on how many times Colonel O’Neill has killed you?”

"Excuse me?  What sort of a question - NONE!"

“I stand corrected.  My apologies to you and to my fellow inductees.  I should have said how many times have Colonel O’Neill’s attempts to do the ‘right thing’ gotten you killed?”

"I'm sorry, did Jack - do you have some sort of issue with the colonel you're not sharing?  Did he take the last donut?  Accidentally run over your dog?  What?  Since I'm obviously not dead, how could Jack have been in any way responsible for having killed me? Can we please not talk about this any more?”

“Once again, I stand corrected.”

//You'll be lying in an alley corrected if I have my way.  Sammie ain't the only one got level three hand to hand!  Or should I say knee to balls?//

“Professor Goodheart?”

“Do we HAVE to go off-world?”

"Um…considering you've all been recruited for the Stargate program specifically to provide greater xeno/anthropological support to teams currently operating off world, well…yes.  We really need you out there, that's the whole point of why you're here.  Didn't the recruiter who approached you explain this to you?  They really should have made this clear to you, but if they didn't, I'd be more than happy to explain any other points of - what's expected of you…out there - if anyone else has any concerns?  Um, yes, Dr Crusher?”

“Will you marry me?”

//Crap!  I didn’t mean to say THAT!  I meant to ease him up to it GENTLY!  You’re SURE no one will read this transcript but you, Em?  Right?  Right.  What am I thinking!  LOL!//

"Okay - that's it!  I was willing to overlook the fact I seem to addressing most of the crew of the Starship Enterprise, but - this is a joke, right?  Jack put you up to this, didn't he?  Somehow he found out about this and - "

“Hey, Daniel, assorted ge – er – science types, Captain Koslowski…how’s it going?”

#Colonel O’Neill abruptly entered the briefing room.

“Jack!”

//DrJ jumped, and we all reared back in our seats like scalded cats.  Dr Kwach had to use her inhaler, she was wheezing so badly.  Guess she wished she’d made it out the briefing room door while she had the chance.//

“Jack, this is a PRIVATE – um…Captain Koslowski?  Um…Dr Kovac?”

“Danny, there’s a time and a place to talk about ‘ER’ and this isn’t it.”

"Try 'Star Trek' and you'll be closer to the mark.  Colonel Jack O'Neill - Captain DOCTOR Koslowski/KOVAC.  Or are you sure it isn't possibly Doctor SPOCK?  Ah, I can see you've already met… Captain Doctor?  Some of those questions you asked me earlier? You're in luck! I think Jack would be more than happy to provide you with an opportunity for some hands on training in his methods.  Captain DOCTOR Koslowski/KOVAC seemed to be most interested in resuscitating my sex life and transferring it to the Pentagon, Jack."

“I think the Captain ‘Doctor’ and I better step outside and DISCUSS this.  Right NOW."

//PP’s plant looked SHIT scared.  So did the geeks.  So did I.  At least, I FELT shit scared.  Daniel left out #Slide unlucky for some 13, entitled ‘Jack is pathologically over-protective of me and is so insanely jealous he foams at the mouth if anyone so much as gives me the time of day’.//

#Colonel O’Neill viewed several scenes of the video montage.

“Crap.  I do!  I look fat!  Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Do I look fat to you?”

//I’m totally embarrassed to admit my voice swelled the chorus of fawning, sycophantic ‘No!  No way!  I wish I had an ass like yours’ which greeted O’Neill’s jovial comment.  This had a lot to do with Koslowski/Kovac, who was dangling from O’Neill’s grip, struggling feebly and slowly turning blue.//

“Don’t leave without me, Danny.  My engine’s still shot.”

//O’Neill’s grin widened.  This gave the rather unfortunate impression he was gearing up to bite someone’s head off.//

“A little run-in with the NID.  Nothing to worry about.  You guys got insurance, right?  Yeah?  Well, enjoy it while you can!”

#Colonel O’Neill and Captain Koslowski exited the briefing room.

“That wasn’t a THREAT!”

//Despite that reassurance, DrJ was unable to prevent the mass breakout.  A distant call of ‘Stampede!’ echoed through the SGC hallways.  DrJ turned to me, hopefully.//

“Dr Crusher?”

//He smiled at me and my knees just melted.//

#General Hammond exited his office and entered the briefing room.

“Beverley?”

//Crap.  So much for MY cover. If the General has time to watch Star Trek, we’re not working him hard enough.  Yes, Sir, ha ha.  Very funny.  Just dying from laughing here, Sir.//

“Mary, Si- Sue.  Mary…Sue.”

“General!”

//I can’t blame Daniel for being thrilled to see a friendly face.  Things Did Not Go Well.//

“How’d it go, son?”

“Aside from the fact we seem to be recruiting from the Federation, over half the inductees looked as if they wanted to pass out from terror through most of the presentation, I'm sure at least a quarter of them had no idea they'd actually be going through the Stargate and weren't too pleased when they found out, the only meaning of life stuff they were interested in was apparently the meaning of my sex life, including Dr Crusher, who's just proposed to me - I'll have to get back to you on that, by the way - and the mere sight of Jack was enough to send them all fleeing for their lives, I'd say it went very well, Sir!"

//I bolted.//

#End transcript.

I hope the above fulfils our mission objectives.  I regret to inform you that as yet, none of the inductees have taken up their positions, and concern is growing for Professor Goodheart, who hasn’t been seen since he was arrested for speeding on the I25 in the general direction of Las Cruces.

FYI, our covert operative was transferred at her request to a listening post at an undisclosed yet remote and above all untraceable location.  I suspect Major Davis colluded with her in order to obtain a copy of the transcript of the induction.  (The Air Force Academy Hospital reports that Captain Koslowski will be out of traction far sooner than anticipated.)

If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact my replacement, Sgt. Blake Carrington, who comes highly recommended from a tour of duty on General Ryan’s staff at the Pentagon.

Sgt. Louis.

FINIS

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