|
PART FIVE
"What in hell are you doing out here?" Jack yelled, emerging suddenly from
nowhere. "You know Carter had to climb up all those steps in a skirt and heels?"
"It's nice out." Daniel tipped back his head to feel the pale spring sun dapple
his face.
"You know the place is littered with zoom lenses and parabolic microphones,
don't you?" Jack griped.
"Good reasons not to say anything." Tucking his hands in his pockets, Daniel
ambled on down the road that cut through the hardy old trees. Pike National
Forest began on the other side of the mountain, beyond the communications array.
It was beautiful here.
"Sorry it took us so long," Sam called after him. "We went to your lab first."
"I wasn't there."
"We gathered." Jack was snarky.
"Colonel O'Neill brought pie," Teal'c offered.
"Up all those steps? I'm impressed."
"I should've eaten your piece!"
"That would have defeated the purpose of making it a peace offering to
DanielJackson."
The gang was all here.
"Look." Daniel spun around and stood a little way from them, occupying his hands
by rolling up his shirt sleeves. "It's nice you came up here. Thank you and
goodbye."
Sam's face tightened. "Goodbye? We thought you were upset."
"I've been upset before. I don't recall you chasing me around the Mountain
then."
"We thought you might want to talk," Sam persisted.
"What is there to talk about?" Daniel asked reasonably. "All the decisions have
been made." He switched attention to the other cuff, rolling back the smooth
cotton in neat, crisp folds to just below his elbow. "Those aliens killed
themselves rather than us and in return, we're going to bomb them into
extinction. I see the logic of that."
"The Goa'uld do not kill their hosts, DanielJackson, but you do not deny their
evil nor the battle against them," Teal'c lectured him gravely.
"I said!" Daniel flared. "I see the logic!"
Carefully, Sam eased closer to him. "Is that the problem?" Her wide blue eyes
were tender and apprehensive. She expected a rebuff but was making the effort to
reach him anyway.
"I don't matter," he said plainly, explaining himself as best he could. "It's –
it's too big to be personal. Don't worry about me, Sam, not over this."
"I do worry." She edged a tiny bit closer.
"You're a pain in the ass." Jack was worried too.
Sober as a judge, Teal'c extended a ratty piece of pie, plain apple pie, wrapped
in a napkin.
"What I think..." Daniel felt his throat close tight on difficult emotion. "It's
not what I feel," he said haltingly.
Sam took the final step, putting her hand on his arm as if he might burn her.
"If it helps, I feel the same."
"I hate what I do." Jack kicked out explosively at a small stone. "Sometimes."
He dug into a pocket and put on his aviator shades before looking at Daniel. "I
still do it."
"I have learned to put my duty before my feelings. It has been the most
difficult lesson of my life, one that not even Master Bra'tac could truly
teach." Teal'c was still standing there holding out the stupid piece of pie.
"I'm not judging you," Daniel denied hastily, finally understanding how this
must look to them. "Any of you. It's not your fault and it's not your
responsibility, any more than it is mine."
"You can almost make yourself believe it if you say it real fast." Jack was
practically climbing out of his skin with awkwardness. "If you don't think about
it."
"I have committed atrocities in the name of Apophis and in the service of my
people. I have long believed that only in freeing them all may I begin to pay
the great debt I owe." Some of Teal'c's debt was owed to Daniel, a burden of
guilt which might run as deep as Daniel's grief.
Unable to stand the tension, Daniel took the pie from him. "I don't need to look
to know Jack has had a bite out of it," he said bravely. Hoping this showed them
he was okay, not falling apart or anything, he turned around and began to walk
again, almost waiting for Jack to fall into step with him, close enough their
arms brushed.
"You ate two pastries right in front of me," Jack made excuse for the pie.
"I'm going to eat this one too." Daniel closed his eyes, drifted along a step or
two. "I'm tired, Jack," he whispered. "Only tired."
Jack's elbow nudged his.
Nobody said anything for a while. They strolled on at an easy pace down a road
that led nowhere. They would reach the end soon enough and have to turn back on
themselves. Jack was a little in the lead, Daniel tucked in at his shoulder. Sam
was behind them, Teal'c at her side. Now and then Daniel would slow
unconsciously, or Sam would quicken, and her foot would catch his heel. They
would adjust and walk on.
Teal'c was the one to break the silence. "I wish to speak with you all," he told
them, his tone oddly neutral for a man who was so absolute in all he said and
did.
"Fire away," Jack invited him with an airy wave. "It's not as if the day could
get any worse."
"I am not always wise, nor do your customs always make sense to me."
"Customs?" Jack said airily. "That puts your problem right up Daniel's alley."
"It is to both of you I must speak," Teal'c insisted.
"Ooo-kaaay." Jack turned on his heel to face Teal'c, scooted along backwards for
several steps and then stopped, grabbing Daniel's arm. "What is it?" he said in
a very different voice.
"I do not know the custom," Teal'c repeated, a crease between his brows. "Sha
lo'kay," he said to Daniel.
Daniel blinked, glancing around at Jack as Jack was glancing at him. "Goa'uld."
"That I gathered. What's it mean?"
"Stand beside me."
"I know a movie, 'Stand By Me.' Good movie."
"DanielJackson, are not you and O'Neill sha lo'kay?"
"Stand beside me is in the context of a wedding, right?" Daniel questioned,
starting to cheer up a bit. He liked word puzzles. Finding his feet moving, he
kind of went with them, a thoughtful finger tapping his chin. Stand beside me?
Beside, beside? In the context of a wedding. "Best man!" he bounced excitedly.
"Be my best man!"
"Are you getting married? That's kind of out of the blue, isn't it?" Hovering
somewhere between floored and pissed, Jack was scowling at Teal'c. More secrets.
"Who's the lucky lady? Do we know her? And will there be cake?"
"Teal'c, you want Jack and me to stand beside you at the wedding?" Daniel could
do this. He was shocked rigid at the news, because he thought he knew Teal'c
pretty well and didn't think he was over his wife Drey'auc, but he could do
this. He could be happy for Teal'c.
"Best man!" His face clearing, Jack got it. "That comes with responsibilities."
He nudged Daniel again. "How about I take care of the cake and you take care of
the speeches?"
Teal'c came right up to them. "There is no word for what you are in my
language," he said in a low voice. "Jaffa are bred to serve that others may
live. For two men to be sha lo'kay, it is forbidden."
"No cake?"
"I can live without the speeches."
"If you keep eating all my pastries, I may not live without the cake."
"Are you together!" Sam said through clenched teeth, goaded into a rare display
of temper. "He's asking if you're lovers!"
Daniel had read of jaws dropping. This was the first time it had actually
happened to him.
Jack jerked as if the words had struck him, then stormed off down the track,
scuffing up dirt and swearing his head off.
Tilting up his chin, Daniel closed his eyes. He needed them closed, just for
now. "Best man?" he sighed in acute pain. "You - you couldn't just spit it out
in English?"
"It is not an easy matter," Teal'c informed him with immense dignity. "Among the
Jaffa, to accuse a brother warrior of such conduct is to bring dishonour upon
you both. Among the Tau'ri, I have observed it to be a matter for humour on some
occasions and for dishonour upon others. There was no one to whom I could speak
of my concern, save for Colonel O'Neill and yourself."
"I..." Daniel's heart was once again a lump in his throat. "I appreciate that."
All the while he was thinking Jack had left him. Tore off in a tantrum, leaving
him to face this. It – it was not acceptable. "Jack!" he shouted. "Get back
here! Jack!" He had enough dignity not to look around.
Suddenly, Sam's face flushed. "His master's voice!" she snapped, staring at a
point behind Daniel. Then her hand flew up to cover her mouth. "I'm sorry," she
gasped out, muffled and remorseful. "I didn't mean it. I didn't." Her eyes were
stricken. She had meant it at the time.
Shivering, Daniel rubbed his hands over his bared arms, amazed to find his palms
sweaty.
"Yes," was all Jack said as he slammed up to them, a killing look on his face.
"I believed it to be so," Teal'c said simply.
"How does that make you feel?" Daniel winced at how he sounded, so drained and
listless, as if he didn't care.
"I do not know," Teal'c confessed unhappily. "The beliefs and customs of my
people make us who we are. They make us strong. Yet they were forced upon us
that we might better serve the false Gods who enslave us. I was taught that a
man without family was no man. Fear for my family kept me in service to Apophis,
killing many more of my brothers than was needful. I left my family and became
less than a man to them in so doing. Drey'auc knew of my doubts from the
earliest days. She counselled me to trust my God, to share her faith. Yet she
did not betray or disrespect me. She stood at my side until the day I left her
to join with O'Neill and the Tau'ri in the fight against those she has
worshipped for all of her life. Drey'auc's anger at my abandonment barely fades.
By all we were taught, she believes herself to be right. By all that I have
learned, the wrong would have been to stay and do nothing for my people."
"Get to the point," Jack commanded Teal'c cuttingly, in no mood to give anyone
anything.
"I fear for your honour, O'Neill. I fear for DanielJackson and for SG-1. I speak
now for this matter concerns all of us. The fight against the Goa'uld must go
on. I do not know if this sha lo'kay bond you share is right by what I was
taught or by what I have learned. I only know that in my doubt, I can do no less
for you than Drey'auc did for me. I will keep your secret and I will stand at
your side."
"I couldn't ask any more," Daniel thanked him, his voice barely shaking, deeply
moved by Teal'c's candour and as deeply mortified by his exposure.
Life was shit and he could die.
"Carter?" Jack barked.
"I would give anything for the team," Sam promised huskily. "I want to stay and
go on being part of it."
Teal'c's eyes narrowed as he stared down at Sam, seeing perhaps for the first
time how unhappy she was if she could even speak of leaving SG-1. It was her
life.
"Daniel is right," Sam went on in a stronger voice. "What we're involved in is
too big and too important to make it about me. I'll be fine." This reassurance
was offered to all of them. "You can count on it," she promised proudly.
"We've all been keeping secrets," Daniel broke the strained silence. "From
ourselves as well as from each other."
This was a little bit too ironic for Daniel. The people he was closest to and
depended on most knew far too much. His defences had been filleted with a
surgeon's precision. Hating this helpless, falling sensation, he only wanted to
get away from them all. He stuck it out though, because he wouldn't leave Jack,
not feeling like this.
They went back to the base together. Jack was stonily silent, Teal'c chewed his
dilemma over and over, Sam stumbled and snappishly blamed her heels, while
Daniel battled an intense craving for a Big Mac. He wanted it so badly, he was
biting his lip by the time the SFs cleared them for entry back into the surface
shaft.
The long climb down to Level 11 and the elevator was far too much time together
for people who'd said way more than any one of them wanted to. It turned out to
be too short a time when the elevator stopped on Level 18 and everyone shifted
around awkwardly, staring out into the hallway.
They were all of them waiting to see what Jack would do.
Deciding that one of them had to do something, Daniel started off towards his
lab alone. Jack slid out between the elevator doors as they were closing.
"Wait up," was all he said.
"Are you mad?" Daniel wanted to get this out of the way. Better to know.
"At you? No." Jack's matter of factness was oddly convincing compared to his
usual bullshit and drama.
"Want to get out of here?" Daniel whispered.
"The cameras don't have sound," Jack whispered back. "Play hooky? With you? Are
you kidding? I'd pay good money. I didn't even know you could spell the word."
"You can buy me lunch, then. Help me stave off this nervous breakdown. Or pick
up the pieces, after."
"Lunch it is."
"Dessert, too." Daniel immediately upped the ante as they got back on the
elevator for a lightning raid on the locker room to scoop up money, keys and
Daniel's sunglasses. Jack yanked off his tie and hung up his Class A uniform
jacket on a hanger. With Daniel's suit jacket on a hanger too, it was something
to be found when people inevitably came looking for them. Annoying as it was,
Hammond tended to be happier if Daniel was under Jack's supervision instead of
his own recognisance.
It wasn't so bad to be running. They'd be only minutes away and they both had
their pagers. Daniel just had to make sure he thoroughly deserved the dressing
down from the general. The yelling and sarcasm should be worth it.
"How come I never picked up on all this stress eating before?" Jack wanted to
know as they boldly launched their illicit escape bid. The secret was to look as
if they knew what they were doing and had permission to do it. It wasn't much of
a stretch for Jack. He looked like this most of the time.
"I eat all the incriminating evidence."
"It says a lot about my fragile state of mind that actually makes sense to me."
"I need some evidence," Daniel said longingly. "As incriminating as humanly
possible."
"I probably have something in the truck you can nibble on."
"Better not be healthy. Anything healthy tastes like shit."
"I know for a fact Fraiser got to you and made you eat a balanced diet."
"It tastes like shit. Take me to the nearest McDonalds."
"McDonalds? The worst burger in town? Any town?"
"Big Mac." Two Big Macs. Super-sized fries. Coke. Two sandwiches, maybe three.
"McDonalds!"
"We can't go any faster. If we go sprinting through security, the mood they're
in, the SFs will shoot us."
Whatever.
"Daniel, I can't tell you how much it worries me you don’t care."
"I have two words for you. Secret. Sauce."
"Oh, God."
"You always said I was a cheap date."
They cleared security at a sedate pace, hopped onto one of the perpetually
circling golf carts for the ride to the VIP underground parking lot, found the
truck, cleared more security, left the base, cleared yet more security.
While Daniel was clipping on his sunglasses, Jack offered to run over any
journalist he picked out from the baying crowd and enquired about the toys in
the Happy Meals. Jack was not mad, except maybe at the world, and Daniel began
to feel a bit better.
These feelings developing between them were too new, too untested, for him to
trust them. He couldn't assume, couldn't expect. There seemed to be more
questions than anything else.
He was happy with this particular answer from Jack, who was anxious to help him
out as best he could.
Jack, a trained offensive driver, expertly scattered the press barrier at the
bottom of Norad Road and zoomed north on Nevada Avenue. Big Macs were mere
minutes away.
"Drive Thru or eat in?"
"Eat in. That way I don't have to make you drive around and around the parking
lot."
The intersection at Cheyenne Road also offered the hungry if not choosy diner
Burger King. "Flame grilled," Jack tempted, quite entertained by all of this.
"Healthier. They claim it makes their burgers taste better."
"They lie."
When they made it through the trademark golden arches, they found that the Happy
Meal toy selection was distressingly girly. Manfully swallowing his
disappointment, Jack instead super sized his McChicken sandwich. Sneering at
this light snack, Daniel super sized two Big Macs, thinking what the hell, the
fries would microwave later if he couldn't eat them.
On a school day, after lunch break, and with hot competition from Burger King
and Safeway, this particular McDonalds was about as packed out as the Marie
Celeste.
Daniel took his pick of bolted down tables and spread out happily. The even
application of ketchup to Happy Fries was an art he took seriously. This
required several cartons of ketchup and careful dipping. He also liked to eat
the fries first while they were still at least room temperature. The first
burger, tucked up snugly in its box, would wait until the lettuce was warm and
limp. He'd eaten half of his fries before Jack even got his box open.
Jack was staring.
"It's not every day," Daniel confided thickly, "you get outed."
Jack took one of Daniel's fries and dipped it. "I hate it." Even though the
staff were at the other end of the restaurant, he spoke barely above a whisper.
"I hate it too."
"I also feel like maybe I deserved it. Breaking the rules the way I am? I
deserved it."
Some day, Daniel hoped he understood why Jack was sure being with him was worth
all of this. He would settle for being able to accept it.
"Could be better it's not a secret," he agreed diffidently.
There were enough lies already trapping Daniel. He refused to add to them. Lying
to Sam and Teal'c was personal. Impossible. Yet, he couldn't help but think some
of the burden of responsibility he and Jack should carry for this had been
shifted onto their friends. It made things that bit easier for him and for Jack,
but it was a moral dilemma Teal'c would not have chosen to shoulder. And Sam had
to live with the fact that not only were her feelings for Jack not returned,
she'd lost out to a man, and a friend.
Sam and Teal'c had each in their own way come to Jack and Daniel with difficult
questions but neither was finding it easy to live with the answers.
"Better for whom?" There was a slight flush to Jack's cheeks, a bitter fury and
humiliation he found difficult to hide, though it was not directed at Daniel.
"I don't want to be responsible for making it harder for you to lead the team,
Jack, or have you feeling you've sacrificed respect because of your feelings for
me, especially with Makepeace dogging our every step," Daniel said unhappily.
Jack didn't come back at him with anger or impatience. "I told you how hard this
is for me." He relaxed a little, giving Daniel a warm look. "Still here,
though."
"I hear you, Jack." Daniel could only wish he was able to express his trust in
Jack more overtly and confidently. He was getting tired of his own timidity.
Thanks, Jack mouthed at him as one of the lost souls came out from behind the
counter and began to mop the immaculate tiled floor industriously.
Daniel wanted to talk. "Excuse me? Miss?"
The girl looked up.
Jack intervened. "I know it says on your schedule you should be out here mopping
the floor but let me tell you: that floor is clean enough to eat off. You've
done a fabulous job. Could you do us a favour and please let us eat? Take a
well-earned break or maybe move on to the next item on your schedule? Thank you.
We appreciate it." Jack gave her a wide, cheeky smile
The bridling girl thawed visibly, smiled back, then began to wheel away her mop
and bucket combo.
"She's toast!" Daniel was inclined to be indignant. He could do without the
constant reminders Jack got away with murder every time he flashed his dimples
and big, brown eyes.
"While you're feeling so forward," Jack announced with blithe disregard for the
facts, "How about you come over to my place tonight? I can barbecue and I have a
secret sauce of my own."
"I think that's a bad idea under the circumstances. What if the press have your
place staked out too? How would it look to them?"
"In the unlikely event they've picked out my licence plate from the anonymous
thousands exiting the mountain daily and managed to track me down like a dog, it
would look like two guys eating brisket in the backyard."
Daniel scanned the restaurant for possible journalistic patrons, then leaned in
confidentially. "You're not suggesting I, you know, stay?"
"At least until you've finished the sandwiches." Jack demurely sipped his coke.
"Unless you want to stay," he murmured suavely.
"Not unless you want to get a dishonourable discharge and lose your pension!"
"Daniel, it's nice you care, I can't tell you," Jack grinned. "It's also nice it
never occurred to you the gal who kicked off the current press feeding frenzy
only spoke up when you'd succeeded in putting down most of the difficult
questions and sapping the fun right out of the grilling. She managed
single-handed to make you romantically misunderstood and fed the rest of the
sharks enough meaty chum to keep them speculating mindlessly for weeks. By the
time this dies down, no one will even remember sun pillars or space mirrors."
"She was a plant?" Daniel bristled with righteous indignation.
"I think the whole thing was a plant. I mean, come on. How come the press
managed to catch you of all people leaving the Mountain?"
"Because my life would make a message movie of the week and someone told the
press I was coming?"
"All it would take was one guy pointing a camera in your direction and the rest
of them would know he had a lead he hadn't shared. That's exactly what they do."
It was, it so was! "Sons of bitches!" Daniel growled indignantly.
"Sorry I didn't catch it sooner."
"I'm sorry too."
"I got distracted."
"I got distracted too." Daniel, vividly recalling being thoroughly kissed for a
very long time, was getting quite distracted now. He smiled shyly at Jack.
"Want to get distracted some more?" Jack asked.
"Yes, please."
Belatedly aware of some less than discreet mutual staring, they both
straightened up at the same time. This gave the slightly unfortunate impression
of the two of them popping up like corks.
"Brisket it is, then," Jack said heartily.
"Would you like to examine some more evidence?" Daniel prodded, much as he would
at a healing scab. Painful but strangely satisfying at the same time. He felt
quite responsible, wanting Jack to get at least as much out of him as he got out
of a Big Mac. It took Jack a moment to place the reference but then his naked,
craving hunger and flaming face left Daniel breathless, his heart slamming
through his ribs.
"Can I come in?"
Sitting comfortably in a sea of candles, Teal'c gestured to Sam to sit. She
thought he looked pleased.
He waited until she was settled, seated cross-legged as he was, soothed by the
soft, flickering light and the cocoon of peace and privacy.
"What is it you wish to say to me, Major Carter?"
"It's that obvious, huh?" Sam asked ruefully.
"Your visits to my quarters are rare." Teal'c had this enviable ability to state
unpalatable truths without blame. Your business was your business, not his. He
got you to think about things without making you defensive.
"I wanted to say." Boy, this was tough! "I wanted you to know." She closed her
eyes. Might be easier not to see him react to this. "What you said to us
earlier? I feel the same. I don't know if, er..."
"Sha lo'kay."
"If that is right." There, it was out. She'd said it. She opened her eyes then,
and found only kindness waiting for her from Teal'c. "I have the same problem
you do," she blurted out in a rush of relief. "What I was taught to believe,
what I've come to believe on my own, what the Air Force expects of me. It's all
tangled up and I didn't know – I didn't have anyone I could talk to."
"I understand." Teal'c sounded almost gentle.
"I don't," Sam admitted frankly, unflattering to herself. "The colonel and
Daniel were both married. They've both, at times, responded to women. And yet,
here they are."
"I believe it to be a matter of kalach between them."
"Kalach?" Sam frowned in puzzlement.
"Soul."
Sam caught her breath as if at a blow.
Kalach!
That put her in her place. Even reminding herself she needed to learn and to
grow from all of this, it was so hard to deal with her feelings. Her jealousy.
Daniel had told her not to apologise for being human, only to live with it, and
this was better advice than her friend knew.
"They're not happy," she said flatly.
"That is one of the reasons I felt compelled to speak," Teal'c admitted. "I felt
great concern for the continuation of SG-1 if they were unable to resolve the
difficulties existing between them."
"It's my fault," Sam admitted bravely. "I did something, something so stupid and
thoughtless I can hardly...Something wrong, Teal'c. I don't think they really
knew how much they felt for each other until then. I don't think they wanted to.
And because of me, they had no choice."
"So you wish now to atone for this wrong you have done them?"
Sam nodded, feeling shaky just then. She needed to atone for the wrong she'd
done herself, too. She'd been taught almost all of her life to bottle up her
emotions, to be a doer, to compete and to succeed. Her dad had bred a winner and
she hadn't realised how much a weakness it was for her to so deny her emotions.
She had always believed the weakness was to give way to them. Sam and Jacob were
too much alike, even General Hammond had seen and remarked on it. It was only
now she was seeing this was as much her fault as it was her dad's. She had done
a lot of this to herself.
"We have to protect them," she said firmly.
Teal'c bowed his head. He had promised to do as much up there on the Mountain.
"If they're caught, the consequences will be severe for the colonel," Sam
explained seriously. "Because he's military, he could lose everything and we
could lose him."
"I will not permit that to happen."
"It might be harder than you think." Sam's smile was fleeting. "He's angry with
us for knowing, for having to explain himself to us. Embarrassed his private
life and feelings have been exposed."
"Then we will watch over him until his temper cools."
"He'll hate that too."
"Yet I believe he would allow us the right."
"Yes," Sam said slowly. "I think he would. Now."
The colonel was compromised in front of his team. Of course it was going to
affect the established dynamic of his supremely confident leadership and the
latitude he allowed the rest of them. Teal'c was smart enough to see the colonel
would have to give them something in order to compensate for what he was asking
of them, which was their complicity. He would also be going out of his way not
to show favouritism to Daniel over Teal'c and her. Over-compensation would be
something they'd have to deal with.
"It's going to be difficult, for all of us, I think," she said softly. "Each in
our own way, we have something we need to prove to ourselves and to each other.
But we're in it together. We can adjust to it together. And maybe, just maybe,
it will be better for us all in the long run as well as for our team."
"If you and I are able to answer the question of what is right and what is wrong
in this, then we are amply rewarded."
Sam was surprised by the prick of tears. Teal'c had lived for so long and had
experienced so much, how could she lose sight of his essential honesty? His was
the wisdom of a man who had lived with secrets and lies that had cost him far
more than protecting the happiness of two dear friends ever should.
"Thank you," she murmured, sincere in her gratitude. It wasn't so easy to not be
ashamed of her vulnerability, but she tried.
No one was asking any more of her than that she tried. The colonel and Daniel
were protecting her secrets, her feelings. She was determined she would do no
less for them. There was nothing more she could say, nothing more they were
willing to hear from her, but plenty she could do.
Her sense of failure, of losing out to Daniel, was not something she should
ignore. She needed to come to terms with it before she could move beyond it. The
standards she'd been taught to set for herself were sometimes impossible.
Sometimes, they only set her up for failure. Jacob had done that to her,
instilling in her the need to try even harder, to set even more difficult goals.
That wasn't the way you were supposed to feel. Where was the giving? Where did
her notion of love even fit in that value system?
Why was she so drawn to the colonel? He had never paid her more than ordinary
attention, never treated her as anything other than a colleague, albeit one he
was friendly to. He was impatient of almost everything that inspired and engaged
her, dismissive of most things she chose to share. His pride in her, his good
opinion, were related to her performance, to the character and loyalty she
brought to her team.
She was only Carter to him. The limits he imposed on their relationship were as
great a barrier as those the Air Force imposed and she had been foolish to ever
think otherwise. Setting herself up for another failure, an impossible goal.
Trying to exceed standards and expectations she could never meet because the
difference between her and Daniel was simple.
He stood up to the colonel and was granted an equality she had the wisdom to see
was uniquely his. The balance simply wasn't there in any of the colonel's
relationships, even the one he had with Hammond. When the colonel pushed, Daniel
was the only one of them to truly push back, the only one of them to meet him on
equal terms. Daniel asked as much as he demanded, he trusted, respected, he
gave. The colonel gave just as much back.
Sam would never be more to the colonel than she was until she learned to stand
up to him. Until she could refuse him. He had the same power her Dad had, the
same power and fascination as Jonas Hansen. The way the colonel talked to her at
times, he used almost the same words.
She should have – she had! – more respect for herself than to take the path of
least resistance, to bend to someone stronger than she was. She had an
obligation to herself to get clear. Dad's love for her mom had been very
different than his demanding love for Sam. If she was going to be with someone,
it had to be someone who could accept her. An equal. If her dad had learned
this, if the colonel could, then so could she. She would.
When she broke out of her reverie, she found Teal'c patiently watching over her,
smiling kindly, with real warmth and something she thought was affection.
"Thanks," she said again.
He closed his eyes then and composed himself to meditate, leaving to Sam the
choice to stay or go.
Feeling something ease inside her, Sam stayed.
"Must you gloat?" Daniel scowled.
"After mature consideration, I feel I must. I told you no one would follow us
and no one would be here staking out my house. And look!" Jack gestured
expansively at his empty drive, carport and garden. "I was right."
"I find this extremely unattractive."
"Maybe, maybe," Jack nodded sagely. Then he grinned. Smugly. "But I did tell
you."
"Remind me again why I came here?"
"Because you wouldn't drag me into the john at McDonald's for nasty sex like I
wanted you to, so you owe me."
"You're not getting sex of any description."
"Smug might not be attractive but snippy sure is."
"I'm not going to survive the embarrassment of these first few weeks," Daniel
sighed resignedly, feebly allowing himself to be drawn along the path to Jack's
front door. "I'm not."
"Weeks?"
"I'm not ready to leap gaily into bed, you know I'm not!"
"The irony here is we've got Carter and Teal'c watching us like hawks believing
we're making the beast with two backs every time they turn theirs and we're not
getting any." Jack led the way into his house. "Do you see the irony?"
"I see it, but I'm not apologising for it," Daniel asserted mutinously.
"You can kiss me, though. Right?" They'd cracked this one. Jack had given it his
all and, he recalled this distinctly, had given it for some time. Daniel
certainly hadn't had any objections after the first half-hour or so.
"Sure I can." Daniel didn't make a move.
Jack lent an assist, snagging him around the waist and hauling him in until they
were toe to toe and hopefully about to be mouth to mouth.
"I need to work up to it," Daniel declared. Then he dimpled mischievously,
stretched up on the tips of his toes and brushed his lips warmly over Jack's. A
hand found its way to Jack's shoulder, their mouths moved together.
Suddenly incredibly tired, Jack kind of folded in the middle, leaning back until
his ass was against his front door. He spread his legs, Daniel coming naturally
to rest between them, melting into him, gently doing anything he could for him,
anything he remembered Jack liking.
It was good to have Daniel sweet and eager when Jack was so sore, crucified with
feelings not of embarrassment at being outed, but emasculation. He'd hated
having Carter know what he was but the slim advantage her lies had given him had
been erased by Teal'c's infuriating insight. He was more angry at Carter even
than before but had the sense at least to dimly grasp how much of that was
lashing out because he'd been effectively caught with his pants down. He'd
practically handed Carter and Teal'c the ammunition they took him down with.
He hated his command being compromised. He hated people knowing, judging. He
hated being out of options. All there was left for him to do was face them down,
prove he could still do the job, he could still lead them.
Daniel pulled away, looking hurt. "If I'm boring you, don't hesitate to let me
know. I'd hate to keep you from something you want to do."
"Sorry." Jack nestled his clasped hands comfortably in the small of Daniel's
back, nestling him nice and close. "Having my mid-life gay crisis, here," he
apologised.
"It's rough," Daniel sympathised, taking him seriously and setting aside issues
of wavering sexual confidence to make with some nice, soothing stroking of
Jack's arms.
"You could kiss it better."
"Didn't work too well just now."
"Tell me again why I'm putting myself through this?"
"Because I love you," Daniel said steadily.
Right answer.
Jack smiled and gave him a swift, strong kiss he hoped would settle any
questions Daniel might have about what he did for Jack's libido.
Daniel's stomach rumbled thunderously and he insensitively broke off from the
reassurance Jack was driving home in order to demand sustenance.
Man enough to know when he was whipped, Jack allowed himself to be talked into
the kitchen, where Daniel took a keen interest in the emergency food
preparation.
Fortified by a beer, slightly stale cheesy chips and non-furry guacamole Jack
dug out for him from the back of the fridge, Daniel wanted to know how he felt
about having Makepeace inflicted on them in perpetuity.
Jack's first response was offensively profane but only made his indulgent
linguist grin.
"I think he's a humourless s.o.b. who only has two expressions, grim or pissed.
He's competent enough, I guess, but completely without empathy or imagination.
The model marine. He makes my bad attitude look good. I also think he should
concentrate your mind wonderfully on all the things you like about me and should
show more gratitude for."
"I hate to see anyone in stereotypical terms but Makepeace makes it almost
impossible not to," Daniel confessed. "He insists on acting like one. Also, it's
news to me I like things about you."
"Beer is supposed to make you flirty and malleable, not irritating." Jack took
their seasoned brisket, his secret smoky barbecue sauce and all the fixings out
to his ever ready barbecue. While he got the grill started, Daniel took a little
constitutional around the garden. Jack waited until he was feeling up his wooden
owl before casually asking if Daniel was still mad at Carter. Daniel,
beer-dulled and distracted, said yes before he could think about it and then
couldn't take it back.
"Think you can forgive her?" Jack got busy with the meat. Good brisket came from
thick, juicy slices, beaten into tenderness, not too rare, cooked through until
they could be pulled apart by hand. Then into buttery bread and smothered in
smoky sauce.
Daniel came over to watch Jack's particular brand of poetry in motion, taking
his time about answering. "I hope I can," he said at last.
"Me, I don't think it's a question of forgiveness. I can work with people I
would cheerfully knife and still get my job done. It's whether Carter can hack
it on the team with what she knows about the two of us now and the way things
have changed between all four of us."
"If you want to know what I am sure of, then I can tell you one thing." Daniel
looked apprehensive. "I wouldn't give you up." His confidence in how his
hesitant, extravagant promise would be received by Jack had him practically
hyperventilating.
Jack kissed him better and managed to lose a couple of onion rings off the grill
in the process. Daniel was wily.
"I told Sam she had to live with it," Daniel confided, hovering rather closer to
Jack than before. "With what she'd done. She made a mistake and I don't think
she even expects me – us – to forgive her. I think she feels the same as you do,
Jack, that it isn’t even a matter of forgiveness any more. She wants to stay on
SG-1 more than she wants to lick her wounds."
If Carter were thinking clearer, she'd know Jack would never kick her off the
team. The arguments he'd put forward to Georgia Loughlin supporting Daniel's
place were equally applicable to her. Jack would go on using her as long as he
was able. He was sorry for the way this all had to go down because he'd trusted
her enough he hadn't seen her coming.
He did like her, in his way, maybe more than he was supposed to. The SGC was
cleaner than the operations he'd excelled in. It had softened him.
Carter would kill herself to prove herself to him and he could only hope it
wasn't literally. They were none of them left with a whole lot of choices.
Carter would always know she'd brought him and Daniel together and there was
nothing worse Jack could do to her than that.
It was easier for Daniel to be mad because he was the only innocent one among
them, the only one not to see what Jack was feeling for him.
"How come you love me?" he asked impulsively as he speared a chunk of meat, bit
into it, breathed a sigh of pure pleasure and started to construct their
sandwiches.
"I'll go get some more beers," Daniel offered hurriedly, bolting for the
kitchen. Heart-attack time again.
Jack was waiting at the picnic table with heaped plates, folded arms and a stern
expression when Daniel sidled out with beer and condiments. "How come?"
"I think that when people love each other, they should be honest," Daniel stated
sullenly. "This is an extremely stupid and naïve point of principle that I'm
unfortunately stuck with, because I never thought the person I'd have to be
honest with would be you."
"If there's a hidden compliment in there, it's staying hidden."
"You're important to me, alright?" Sounding goaded, Daniel took refuge in his
sandwich, inhaling about half of it. Then he snatched for a beer, guzzled it
down and wheezed pathetically.
That would be the secret in the sauce. Jack ate sedately until the eruption had
subsided. "Quit your whining. Important how?"
"Netu."
"Yes?"
"Torture."
"Mmm-hmm?"
"Blood of Sokar."
"Right."
"I saw you. Everyone else saw someone important to them, someone they'd trust,
tell secrets to. I saw – you. I told myself it was because of the information
Apophis wanted, that when he mined that memory you were there, you were the one
I talked to when it those events were happening."
Jack could understand Daniel's painful reticence. He still had the bruises from
this one.
"You know it was more than that, Jack," Daniel said almost sadly. "It was more.
We all saw the one we couldn't refuse, the one who meant the most and hurt the
most, the one who went deepest. I saw you."
"That night when I kissed you, the first time? You were writing?" Jack didn't
want to ask him right out. He wanted Daniel to give a little. He knew he was in
those journals, in Daniel's thoughts, he had always been. He'd affected Daniel
from the start.
"Only trying to understand when you became everything to me." Blood had gushed
from stones easier than this was getting away from Daniel. He gave the pitiful
impression this was happening too fast, a long way off, and to someone else.
"Trying to figure out what I was going to do about it."
"Been there," Jack said solemnly. "Done that. I'm stuck on you too. Got to have
you anyway, despite my bull-headed stupidity and economy with the truth."
"What's going to happen?"
"With the gate? The team? The bomb? The spots on Oprah? Loughlin walking softly
and carrying a big ole' stick to beat us with? You said it yourself and no one's
shouting you down, Daniel," Jack enumerated briskly. "It's too big. It is just
too big and we are just too damned far down the chain of command to change any
of it. All we can do is ride it out, save our collective asses if we can."
Jack didn't feel as doomy as he might sound. The odds were against the aliens
figuring out it was Earth behind the attack and if they did, if they had the
resources to launch a global attack from orbit, they'd be fighting that way to
start with. All their technology was based on stealth, not aggression.
"Or do you mean with us?" he went on. "I hope things get easier between us and
we get used to this, to being this way. Together. I hope some day soon we can
have Carter and Teal'c look at us without crawling out of our skin. I hope you
keep saying all this sweet stuff you come out with. I hope I don't screw up. I
hope we get to go on kissing, that you stop remembering I'm just Jack every time
I lay a finger on you, and eventually we get to have some sex." Jack smiled. "I
hope for a lot of things for us, Daniel. I love you and I hope."
Daniel looked absolutely overwhelmed by this unequivocal declaration of Jack's,
as if he'd never heard anything like that. He struggled genuinely for a
response, a way to meet - and match - Jack's expression of feelings for him.
There was one very obvious answer, but Jack was almost surprised when Daniel
came through for him.
"I'm not hungry." Holding Jack's eyes, Daniel pushed his plate away. "I'm
ravenous." He stood, smiling shyly, his damnably pretty face wide open, his big
eyes hoping too.
"Damn, you're good at this!" Jack admired, beaming as he bounced to his feet.
He was right behind Daniel, walking solidly into him to catch hold of him around
the waist, the two of them tangled, teasing, lurching happily inside and aiming
for the couch.
Tumbled onto his back, Daniel pulled Jack down into his arms, his mouth sexy and
aching. He sucked on Jack's lips and tongue, clashed teeth and noses, flushed,
flustered, honest, beginning now to want to touch, to want to hold. His hands
were gentle, generous.
Jack thought he could bear anything, so long as he had this. Pissing and moaning
was only for losers and for every time Teal'c or Carter looked at him wrong, or
second-guessed him, he would have a time like this.
Because all of his secrets were finally out, he would keep his command, his
team, and he would have Daniel, who was at long last starting to figure out that
personal was important.
Daniel wasn't offering Jack more than he could give, but what he could, he was
giving with all of his heart, and he was working at it, wanting to be worth it
to Jack.
Jack had lifted some of that crushing weight of grief and guilt and when he
looked down into Daniel's shining face, he saw a man giving himself over to the
moment, not to the past. Daniel's faith was worth as much his love to Jack.
Daniel had hope too.
FINIS
| Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 | Part 5 |
Feedback makes the difference between
writing and posting; please contact me at
biblio-fb@jd-divas.com
|
