19 October 2056

The Retirement Residence of Lt Gen (retired) Jack O'Neill and Doctor Daniel Jackson

Somewhere in the wilds of Minnesota

The Master Bedroom

2:15 PM

“Uh-uh-uh-UH - ”

“Omigawd, Jack-Jack-Jaaaaaaack I'm...I'mmmm...”

“Ooooh, don't stop, don't stop Daniel – I'm – I'm - ”

<Cue light and sound effect of Asgard transport beam>

“Excuse me, Sir, I hope you don't mind me – um - popping in like this - but I've been in geosynchronous orbit over your driveway for the past week trying to get up the nerve to  - ”

“CARTER?”

“Sir.”

“SAM?”

“Oh, hello, Daniel. I wasn't expecting to see you here.”

“I could say the same about you.”

“Daniel, please tell me I'm hallucinating. Please tell me Carter is not standing in our bedroom.”

“You're not hallucinating.”

"No? Not even a little bit?”

“Nope.”

“Then that really is – she really is...”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

“How should I know?”

“Anyway, Sir, as I was saying, I hope you don't mind the interruption, I know this is kind of...forward, beaming in without phoning first, but in my defence, I did try, calling you first, I mean, but you weren't answering my comm signal. I'm thinking, though, once you hear what I have to say, you'll be glad I've come.”

“Actually I was hoping to be the one coming.”

“Ditto, mon generale.”

“Excuse me, Sir, Daniel, but I've come a long way to say this, and I really need to get it out before I lose my nerve. I know it's kinda, oh, I don't know, wild and crazy, even for me, to just show up here, especially after all this time, and I know what you're thinking, why didn't she wait one more day, for the birthday party, and talk to you then, well, I suppose I could have, waited, I mean, I've waited all these years already, what's one more day, but I was up there, orbiting, and all of a sudden I said to myself, Carter, why wait, why put it off a moment long, why not just - ”

“Wait a minute, back up, what did she just say? Birthday party? What birthday party?”

“Wipe that pseudo-astonished and entirely unconvincing smirk off your face, Jack O'Neill, you're about as transparent as a fifty-year-old thong. As if you didn't know there was gonna be a party! You know damned well those of us who know you and love you, though don't ask me why, wouldn't have let such a momentous occasion as Jack O'Neill's one hundredth birthday pass without doing something momentous to mark the occasion.”

“You're throwing me a party?”

“Of course we're throwing you a party, you ornery old goat.”

“A really, really big party?”

“The biggest one since the Asgards blew up the Kamien galaxy.”

“Whoo, that big? That's really impressive. I'm touched. And humbled. In a completely smug and yet uncharacteristicly self-effacing way. Will there be cake?”

“Yes, Jack, there'll be cake. A whole acre of it.”

“Excellent. I'll get my fork.”

“Well, I must say this is a relief. Now I won't have to come up with a clever ruse to get you into the snazzy suit I made you buy last month.”

“I was wondering about that. Like I need a new suit. Although I had considered this possibly meant you wanted to start playing the retired general and the naughty archaeologist - ”

“Jack – not in front of – um – the unexpected company.”

“Oh. Sorry. Of course. Slip of the.... Anyway, moving on. You were talking about getting me into my new suit as opposed to getting me out of it.”

“Um...yeah. Once that mission was accomplished, I was to signal Thor, to beam us both up to the DanielJackson 4 - ”

“You really like saying that, don't you. The Daniel Jackson 4.”

“Well it's not my fault Thor wants to name all his ships after me. Not you. Me. Get over it.”

“I would, if you'd stop bringing it up!”

“I do not, I simply said - ”

“Um, excuse me, General, Daniel, if I could get back to why I'm here – like I told you, I did come a long way to say this, and I'd like to – say it – that's if it's okay with you, Sir? And – um – Daniel?”

“Why of course, Carter, what were we thinking. By all means, please enlighten us. I can't wait to hear this. Daniel?”

“Um. Yeah. Me too. Can't wait. But before we get into all of that - ”

“Interesting choice of words. All things considered.”

“Isn't it? So, do you wanna... get off?”

“Daniel! In front of Carter? Kinky!”

“No, you moron, I mean get off me!”

“Oh! You want I should dismount? Sure, why not. I guess we're done here. Unfortunately. But let's not dwell. Okay, just gimme a sec and I'll...ooops, Mr. Happy has left the building. Well, that's step one in the extraction process.”

“OW! Easy with the elbow!”

“Okay, don't get your ass in a knot, I'm almost...God, this used to be a hell of a lot easier when I was eighty.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Move your leg!”

“Get your ass out of my face. Don't take all the covers!”

“There we go!”

“Finally! Comfy?”

“Yeah, I'm good. Okay Carter, let's have it. Why are you here?”

“Um...actually, Sir, I was wondering, I mean, that is... Um, Daniel, I hate to ask, but if you wouldn't mind – this is kind of, well, personal, and while it's my own fault for not calling first, in my own defence I really wasn't expecting to see you here and - ”

“She says she wasn't expecting to see me here. Why would she say that, Jack?”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“You never told her!”

“So, neither did you!”

“Don't change the subject! You. Never. Told. Her!”

“Why was it always all on me to tell her, she's your friend too!”

“Jack O'Neill, don't make me swat you, you know damned well - ”

“Daniel, I was actually kinda hoping to speak to the general alone.”

“You want to speak to him alone? I think I can arrange that!”

“Where do you think you're going? Entirely dishabille, lest you forget your currently completely attire-less condition.”

“I could learn to hate you. And stop alliterating, you suck at it.”

“Aw, if it hasn't happened yet I think I'm safe. Sorry, Carter, request denied. This is my house, my bedroom, and my bed. Daniel's not leaving it, or the room. Whatever you've got to say, spit it out now or go home.”

“Well, in that case, General - ”

“Carter, I'm retired, you're retired, we're all retired. Call me Jack. Please.”

“Yes, Sir. Actually, that's why I'm here. Because we're both retired now.”

“Come again?”

“Jack, don't start.”

“Right, sorry, I'm... Carter, we've been retired for at least twenty years now. That's right, isn't it? Twenty...something...”

“Yeah, close enough.”

“After the first decade I stopped keeping track.”

“Not much - "

“ - point. Yeah.”

“Twenty Seven.”

“What?”

“It's been twenty seven years. Since we both retired."

“Oh, well. I knew it was twenty something. So, anyway, Carter, you were saying?”

“I thought about doing this when we both first retired, but decided to wait on it, for a few years. So things would look proper. I think twenty seven years is long enough, don't you?”

"Noooooooo... You're kidding, right? She's kidding! You guys cooked this up between you somehow to yank my chain. This is the April Fool's joke to end all April Fool's jokes!”

“Only one flaw with your theory. Aside from the fact I had absolutely nothing to do with it.”

“What would that be?”

“This is October.”

“Right. Damn. You swear you didn't put her up to this.”

“Cross my heart.”

“Still, she can't be serious.”

“Oh, yes she can.”

“Sir, I've come to tell you I know how you feel about me and you don't you think we've waited - ”

“Whoa! Carter! Don't say another damned word! Back up the damned clue bus one damned minute!”

“Sir?”

“Before you go any further, I need to issue you a reality check.”

“I don't understand.”

“Obviously. Uh huh. Where to start. Daniel, you wanna jump in here?”

“Nope. Not my problem.”

“Wuzz.”

“Yup.”

“Wokay, let me run this one by you. Carter, where are you right now?”

“Your bedroom, Sir.”

“My bedroom, Sir. I have another question for you. Am I alone in my bedroom? Or my bed, for that matter.”

“No, Sir.”

“Was I asleep in my bed I am also not alone in?”

“No again, Sir.”

“No again, sir. We're making progress now, what do you think, Daniel?”

“I dunno, Jack, I haven't seen the light go on yet.”

“Give me room. Carter, when you got here and saw Daniel in my bed, didn't you think that was...oh, I don't know...odd?”

“Hey! Who you calling odd!”

“Keep your shirt on, I didn't mean odd, meaning you're odd, obviously I don't think that.”

“If you did you've been hiding it well all these years.”

“You're so cute when you're pissy.”

“Jack, we've got company! Focus!”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, by odd, I mean for her odd.”

“Permission to speak now, Sir?”

“By all means, go for it, Carter.”

“Well, now you mention I did think it a bit, odd, certainly not what I was expecting, as I told you earlier - ”

“Yes. So you did.”

“Steady, pissy boy. Company, remember? Focus. Carry on, Carter.”

“Yes, Sir. As to what Daniel was doing in your bed, with you, Sir, I assumed you were giving him a massage. Although now, come to think of it, your relative positions, that is, the positions I observed upon my arrival you had assumed relative to each other weren't really within optimal massage parameters. That is, if giving Daniel a massage was indeed your primary objective. And the yelling? Completely unnecessary for achieving the massage objective.”

“Oh my God, Carter, when was the last time you - ”

“Jaaaack. Leave it alone.”

“Carter, don't make me hit you over the head with this. Daniel is in my bed. With me. Naked. Him and me both? Completely clothes-less. And for the record I was NOT giving him a massage.”

“No? Well then what were you doing to him?”

“Inserting my tab A in his slot B if you MUST know!”

“I'm sorry, I'm not following you.”

“Oh for crying out - Gimme that – over there, in the drawer, on your side, look in there!”

“You want a pen and paper? What for?”

“Never mind what I want them for just give them to me! Thank you, Daniel. And...drawing you a picture. Here, Carter, this clear things up for you any?”

“Ohhhhh...”

“Call Con Edison, I think we have a new customer.”

“But – I don't understand, why would you do that with Daniel when you're in love with me!”

“Carter, the only place I've ever been in love with you is in your own mind. I'll be the first to admit I haven't given you much opportunity to drop by for tea in the past half century, but haven't you ever wondered why Daniel, and only Daniel is ever always here, the few times you have? Just like he's here, right now?”

“I know you guys like to hang out together. A lot. I didn't think anything of it other than he was just visiting. Like me.”

“Carter, Daniel lives here. With me. And me with him. We've been living together for the last fifty years.”

“Married people usually do.”

“You're – you're married? To Daniel?”

“Yeah, I'm married to Daniel. It's no state secret. Half the SGC was at the wedding. Hell of a reception, wasn't it, honey?”

“I'm still finding pictures I have no memory of posing for. You and your Wraith Ale.”

“Ah, good times!”

“M – married? Married?”

“Yeah. You were in Atlantis – or – something. Your third tour there. Pretty sure.”

“No, I think she was commanding the Hammond.”

“No, I know it was Atlantis. Oh wait a minute, maybe you're right. Maybe it was the Hammond. Or the Intrepid. Possibly the Potemkin. One of them, for sure. Maybe. Anyway, you were somewhere, way out there, in another galaxy, far, far away, as far away as I could send – I mean, as far out as we...went – out there – when we had the ceremony, so you couldn't make it, but I know we sent you an invitation.”

“Pretty sure.”

“Guess she didn't get it, huh.”

“I'm thinking no.”

“So what I'm hearing you saying, Sir, that is, if I understand you correctly, all this time I thought you had...feelings...for me, and that you and I, someday...we'd...you mean to tell me all these years I spent waiting for you to retire, so we could finally be together...”

“Carter, colour me incredulous, but are you cracked?”

“Jack, be nice.”

“Daniel, the woman is toting a fifty year old torch. That's just nuts, even for her.”

“Excuse me, Sir, but when you put it that way I feel kind of foolish.”

“I'm sayin' nuthing.”

“Good plan.”

“So I guess that means I wasted my time not only waiting for you all these years, but showing up here today to tell you something you obviously weren't waiting to hear me say. Ever.”

“As difficult as I find what you just said to believe, you've pretty much nailed it. Are we finally, absolutely clear about this whole you and me thing, now, Carter?  As in there never was, and never will be - a you and me?”

“Crystal, Sir. Well, then I guess it's a good thing I planned for every contingency, no matter how unlikely I considered it to be – including this one.”

“Interrupting what was going to be an absolutely outstanding orgasm? How can you plan for that? OW! Daniel! Why did you hit me?”

“For being you, why do you think?”

“Believe it or not, Sir, even though I didn't think I'd need it, I do have back up.”

“Don't look at me! I didn't promise her anything! Unlike some people I know!”

“Good thing too, Doctor Jackson, you are a married man, and just for the record, for the umpteenth time I never told her - ”

“Let me see, where's that...”

“Daniel, please tell me she's not going for a gun.”

“Found it!”

“HIT THE DECK!”

“Daniel, I need to go somewhere and sit down so I can go through this.”

“Good plan, Sam, I'll meet you out – in the – as soon as I throw something on. Jack, she's gone, you can come out from under the bed now.”

“She didn't have a gun?”

“I'm sure she does, but it was her Q-phone she was hunting for, not firearms. Stop being such a baby and put some pants on. Meet us out in the living room.”

“Hey Sam, can I get you a coffee or a beer?”

“Beer's good. Whoa, I spent way too much time off world. Man, this bites. You know, I don't think any of these numbers are current.”

“I can't believe she's been thinkin'...her and me...all these years.”

“Well, she has been, sorta, out there, where no man has gone before, for a really long time.”

“And we both know how...focused...she can get.”

“Yeah.”

“I hope when she came back here to 'claim' me she wasn't planning on starting a family – Ow! I swear to God, Daniel, if you don't stop hitting me...”

“Take a look at my list, Daniel. You must have kept in touch, do you have any more up to date contact info for these guys? More recent numbers?”

“Wow, Sam, this is your backup list? You've really been out of touch...for quite a while. Really...really...out of touch."

“Holey moley, I'll say. Martouf? Wow, that's going back. Didn't she shoot him?”

“Oh yeah, that's right. I meant to delete him decades ago, guess I forgot.”

“Here's another one you forgot to delete.”

“Narim? Well, I didn't really forget, I thought, maybe, there might be a chance he might turn up some day. We were never able to ascertain, for certain, the Tollan were - ”

“Come on, Carter, face facts; Narim and his whole damned planet kakked a long time ago.”

“I suppose you're right.”

“Oooh, here's another name you were overly optimistic about being able to fall back on.”

“Joe Faxon.”

“This guy's dead. Trust me. If the Aschen didn't kill him on the spot they bored him to death. Either way, he's toast.”

“Well, I'm not out of options yet. Rodney McKay. I know he's still alive. He's crazy about me.”

“Um...not wanting to bust your bubble, yet again, Carter, but before you go busting in on someone else's hot time without an invitation...”

“What are you saying, Sir?”

“That thing McKay had for you? He's over it. McKay, Sheppard and Todd shacked up years ago and opened a casino and tattoo emporium somewhere in Pegasus. Can't remember the name of the damned planet. Daniel?”

"Sorry, I got nothing. I can look it up, though, it's in the address book.”

“McKay – and – and John Sheppard? And Todd? All three of them? Really?”

“Crazy universe, ain't it?”

“Pete?”

“Oh, last we heard he and Agent Barrett..."

“Oh look, he's the next name on your list.”

“Agent Barrett? With Pete?”

“Kinda your basic two birds with one no...thing."

“And now we get to the geek squad. Bill Lee, Jay Felger and Zelenka.”

“Don't tell me they all shacked up together, too.”

“Eww! No! That's just sick.  Not to mention violating several fundamental tenets of the universe, I'm sure. That much concentrated geekdom would probably create a rift in the fabric of reality that'd suck us all in and bring an end to life as we know it.”

“That's extremely creative, Sir. Not very scientifically accurate, but imaginative.”

“Don't encourage him.”

“Not that I'm that desperate, but are any of them available?”

“Surprisingly, no. Not that I keep tabs on them, or anything, but last I heard Felger accidentally vaporized himself a decade ago, Bill Lee went into his virtual World of Warcraft Machine prototype one day and never came out again, and Zelenka went native. Became the sole husband of three women on a little back world in the Pegasus galaxy and had about 150 children. I hear he died happy, but really, really tired, some time last year.”

“Radek? Three wives at the same time? Really?”

“You just can't tell by looking at some people, can you?”

"Wow, I guess not!"

"Cameron Mitchell?  Sorry, Carter, he's snuffed it too."

"Cam?  He's gone?  Really?"

"Yup.  Freak accident.  Choked to death on some chocolate macaroons."

"At least they think it was an accident."

"Of course it was an accident!  The official investigation was never able to establish any proof of wrong-doing.  Why are you looking at me like that, Daniel?"

"No reason."

"I told you I was perfectly fine with the way he kept showing up here, unexpectedly, where he had no business being, coincidently, each time I was called to Washington.  To just hang out, and keep you company.  While you were all alone.  And I wasn't here."

“Anyway, um...moving on...  Oh, Sam! Baal? You weren't serious!”

“Well, you have to admit as a System Lord he had the best prospects. I figured we could work on the whole 'murdering, killing, conquering, enslaving and oppressing the masses' thing as we went along.”

“Make him go to 'Evil Overlords Anonymous'. Or something."

"Get him another hobby, like....golf."

"Tennis."

Scrapbooking."

"Knitting."

“You never know. It coulda worked. And nobody could dial a gate like he could.”

“Always have a soft spot for those geeks, huh Carter? Hey you missed one! I don't see Orlin.”

“Jack, he was an Ancient.”

“And now he's a carrot. Smack me again and I'll smack you right back. Not kidding here, Daniel. Elder abuse, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

“You're not fooling anyone, you may be a few hours shy of a century, but you still have the mentality of a twelve-year old.”

“Why, thank you, Daniel.”

“Carter, I can't help noticing you've run out of names.”

“Yeah, noticed that too, Sir.”

“Carter, please, call me Jack.”

“Yes, Sir, I mean, General, I mean Jaaa...aaa...”

“Carter, stop right now before you hurt yourself. Never mind, as you were.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

<Cue sound effect of Asgard transporter beam>

“What the hell was that?”

“Sounded like an Asgard transport beam, to me, is that what it sounded like to you, Sam?”

“That'd be my assessment, yes, Daniel.”

“Came from down the hall. Thor's a bit early, isn't he? I thought he was supposed to pick up, not deliver.”

“Don't look at me, this is all news to me.”

“Well, let's go and check it out, shall we? Hello, who's there? Yanno, Daniel, this people zapping themselves into our house unannounced...thing, is getting slightly annoying.”

“No answer. I don't think it's a who. Faster, you old goat. Move your ass or get out of the way.”

“Stop pushing. I might be older than dirt but I can still shatter both your kneecaps with my eyelids.”

“In your dreams, old man.”

“Oh look, Daniel, there's an Asgard doohickey in our man-cave.”

“Yes, indeed there is.”

“I'm aware my memory's slipping a bit, but I know it wasn't here this morning.”

“Look, Sir, there's a note.”

“Carter, you still here? Lemme see that. Crap I can't read this!”

“Forgot your glasses again?”

“No, my eyes are fine it's the writing that's ruined.”

“Let me see that. It's 'runes' not 'ruined'.”

“Whatever, can you read it?”

“You have to ask?”

“So what does it say?”

“You want me to read it out loud?”

“Carter, you're closer to him than I am, smack him in the head for me, will you?”

“Ah, I should let her have you.”

“You wouldn't say that if we were alone.”

“O'Neill. Through long acquaintance with the human race I have become familiar with your peculiar penchant for celebrating the date of your personal nativity. As we are a clone race we have no corresponding custom but it does no harm to indulge you in yours. I am also well aware of the expectation of the celebrant of receiving a gift from all who choose to honour him. I trust both you and Doctor Jackson will find your present useful.”

“Something we both can use? Kinky. I dunno, looks too small to f - "

“Jack, we have company...”

“Oh yeah, sorry about that, Carter.”

“No problem, Sir.”

“Nice tube. Does Thor give us any clues what it's for?”

“Not a one. All the note says is step inside the booth, and then press the red button. So simple even a caveman - and you - could do it.”

“I will pretend I did not hear that.”

“So, what do you say, want to give it a go? If it's from Thor, it can't be bad.”

“Sure why not. Okay, I'm in. Makin' with the button.”

<Cue sound and light effects. Asgard doohickey gizmo-ing.>

“Woohoo! I don't know what this thing did to me but I feel GREAT. I wanna go again! Daniel, you okay, you look like you've seen a ghost!”

“Not – not quite. Omigawd...Jack. Jack – you're – you're...”

“Sir! You're...really hot! Again!”

“Shut up! I look like I'm thirty again! Feel like it too! Thor ole buddy, you've outdone yourself this year. This is the bestest birthday present ever. An Asgard reboot machine! Always wanted one of these things.”

“And now you've got one.”

“So I do. Now, Mister, get your ass in this thing. It's your turn next.”

<Cue sound and light effects as the Asgard machine activates twice more. Three rejuvenated beings now stand in Jack and Daniel's man-cave>

“Wow, this is really cool! I'm young again!”

“Ummm...wha? Sam? Did you say something?”

“Never mind her. Baby, just look at you. You've always been beautiful to me, but oh my God...you look just like the first time I saw you...”

“I love you.”

“Me too. I can't wait to show you how much. Like I haven't been able to show you for a long time - OW! Carter? Are you off your nut, did you just stick me with a needle?”

“Yes Sir, I did. Sorry to jab and run but I needed to collect a few epithelial cells. You'll never even miss them.”

“Epi-what???”

“Skin cells, Jack. I got a bad feeling about this.”

“You're not the only one who got an nifty birthday present from Thor this year. Although at the time, I didn't think I'd have any use for it. Way to go, Thor, he's given me ultimate back up.”

“Daniel, do you know what she's talking about?”

“Yes, I think I do, but I don't think you want to.”

“You and Daniel have a good life together, Sir. Believe me, I'm not leaving empty handed. Thanks to Thor we're all going to get what we've always wanted after all.”

“Sam, what did Thor give you for your birthday?”

“Oh, nothing much, just an Asgard Easy-clone oven.” Bye now.”

<Cue sound and light effect of Sam transporting back up to her ship.>

Daniel, did she say clone?”

“She said clone.”

“She was kidding, right?”

“I don't think so.”

“Wait 'til I get my hands on that screwy little Asgard I'll wring his scrawny neck.”

“Jack...let it go. And come to bed.”

“Spend the next hundred years with me, Daniel?”

“Only if you cut your toenails.”

“Deal. Maybe I should leave the clippings for Carter in case she needs a back up for her back up. That way we won't be disturbed.”

“Sounds like a plan. Race you to the bedroom.”

“You're on.”

FINIS