LAST LAUGH BY PHOENIX E

“No – you gotta listen to this one!  Seriously!  How many System Lords does it take to change a light bulb?”

Daniel sighed, reluctantly took his eyes away from the monitor screen and glared narrowly at the man with the impudent grin slouched up against the table beside him.  Jack, hanging around with his personality high beams on.  Which meant Jack was bored.  Which also inevitably meant HE could kiss his peace of mind good-bye.

“I dunno, JACK, how many System Lords DOES it take to change a light bulb?” Daniel sighed, resigning himself to his fate.  He might as well play along.  Bitter experience had taught the long suffering archaeologist when Jack was in a playful mood resistance was not only futile, it only led to even worse jokes.

“Who CARES!"  Jack chortled  "Shoot first, ask questions later!  Eh?- eh?”

Jack elbowed Daniel so enthusiastically he almost pushed him off his chair.  “Do yourself a favour,” Daniel grumbled as he resettled himself.  “Don’t quit your day job.  And speaking of day jobs – I am working here – in case you hadn’t noticed.  Would you mind terribly toddling off and finding someone else to play with?  Huh?”

Jack affected a look of deep concern and shook his head.  “Daniel, Daniel, I’m only here because I’m worried about you.  You work far too much, you know that.  It’s just not healthy.  You know, all work and no play…”

Daniel favoured his nemesis with a withering look. “Jack, why is it when you have nothing to do I suddenly work too much?”

Jack shrugged sheepishly and grinned.  “Serendipity?”

Daniel snorted and turned his attention back to the monitor screen.  “Well any other time and I might actually be tempted to play hooky, but you’re completely out of luck today.  I really have to come up with SOMETHING on these artifacts SG-10 brought back with them from P5N-912.  This is a bit of a poser…”

Jack spent a couple of seconds looking over Daniel’s shoulder at the video footage of the site on P5N-912.  Another empty crumbly building.  Wow, like they hadn’t seen any of THOSE before.  He looked about, trying to come up with another way of coming at Daniel, his questing gaze falling on a collection of small statues sitting on the table to his left.

Hel-lo – what’s this?

He reached for the largest and ugliest one, pulling a face as he looked it over.  Gah!  It sure was a gruesome little bugger!  It looked like a little gnarly alien guy with big googly eyes and an oversized, wide-open 'O' for a mouth.  His thumbs were stuck in his ears and the attitude of the splayed palms the statue was presenting suggested it was engaged in making an extremely provocative gesture Jack was quite familiar with and in fact had practiced himself on several occasion during the course of his mis-spent youth. 

And once last week, actually, come to think of it.

Jack paused in his study of rude statuary and stole a look at Daniel.  Crap.  He was still prattling on about whatever it was he'd been prattling on about when Jack had tuned him out in the first place and whatever Daniel was saying now STILL didn't sound like anything he was interested in listening to,  so Jack shrugged and went back to checking out his new little friend hoping Daniel would run down before he ran out of distractions.

“…the site itself is fairly curious.  The nature of the artifacts found and their diversity suggest it was actually some kind of repository or museum.  At least that was the initial assessment.  Most of the artifacts have already been forwarded to Area 51 and they sent me these to see if I could shed some light…but something just don’t make sense.  They found so many of the same kind of artifact and each one was identical which would suggest they were mass-produced…”

Yadda yadda, talking, talking, too much talking.  I wonder if it's possible to sprain your tongue.  I guess that would be too much to hope for.  Oh well, at least I've still got my little buddy here.  You don't talk at all, do ya, pal?  This damn thing really is ugly, but it's got a certain, oh, I dunno, charm.  Hey, hold the phone, what's this?

There was something there – on the little guy's butt.  It looked like some kind of button or switch or whatzit.  Jack ran his thumb over it, gave it an experimental nudge, felt it move inward beneath the pressure, heard a soft click.

“#@&!!&&@@#$!!!%%%!!!” 

Daniel's outraged and invective laden howl was so unexpected and sincerely expressed it nearly startled Jack out of his socks.

Geez he didn’t even know Danny knew so many bad words.  In English, that is!

Jack risked a peek at the obviously incensed archaeologist.  And immediately wished he was somewhere else.  His life wasn't worth a plugged nickel now, especially if he was in any way responsible for what he was seeing.

 Daniel was covered from head to toe in a thick layer of white, powdery dust.  Like someone with an enormous powder puff had just – sneezed – all over him.

“For crying out loud Danny," Jack gaped. "What the hell happened to you?”

“Apparently – YOU did!” Daniel cried, springing to his feet, hopping frantically up and down as he sought, unsuccessfully, to shake off his unwanted covering.  “That – that thing in your hand - I don’t know what you did, but it just - just shot  t-this - this…STUFF - all over me – ohhh my!”

He stopped abruptly, eyes behind his smeared glasses suddenly widening with considerable alarm.   “ Oh boy, I feel really funny, Jack…don’t like this, this isn't good… Ahhhh – SONOFABITCH!!!”

Daniel began to howl and curse anew as he vigorously and frantically chaffed his arms, trying desperately to dust off the white coating.  “It burns like CRAZY!”  he yelled.  “Get it OFF!”

Oops!  This wasn’t funny any more.  Daniel was in trouble. “Ah, take it easy, Daniel," Jack soothed, moving toward him.  "Maybe we should get you down to the infirmary…”

Daniel wasn’t listening. He was gone. “Off off off – get it OFF!” he screamed.  He frantically clawed at his T-shirt and then ripped it off over his head.  Geez look at that – the white stuff was all over his skin, even the parts of him covered up by the shirt.  Jack wondered if that meant….

Daniel was beginning to fumble with his belt.  Oh boy.

Jack quickly stripped off his jacket, wrapped it around Daniel and started to hustle him out the door and down the hall.  “Showers,” he said grimly.  

Daniel’s response wasn’t particularly coherent but it was loud and colourful.

“So, how’s our boy?”  Jack said benevolently to the man in the bed while trying his damndest not to laugh.

“Well for someone who looks like an enormous SMURF not too bad, thanks for asking!”  Daniel’s tone was very low and very, very dangerous. His smouldering expression of annoyance didn't bode too well for a certain colonel's continued health and long life either.

Jack knew he shouldn't and he was damned well as good as dead if he did.  But sometimes self-preservation wasn't everything.  And there were some things worth dying for.

“I really wish you hadn’t said that,” Jack felt himself starting to shake.  He couldn't take it.  He was a dead man.  But Daniel was just so - just so - oh God, he was going to laugh.  He was.  “Look on the bright side," Jack continued, biting his lip and looking away knowing it was only a matter of seconds before he cracked.  "We got all the stuff off you, it doesn’t burn any more and at least – at least you go with your eyes.”

“Oh, that’s so comforting,” Daniel snarled. “Nice to know I’m colour-coordinated.  I wouldn’t want to clash!”

That was it.  He was done.  Daniel might hate him from now until doomsday but if he didn’t let this out he was going to explode.  Jack collapsed on the bed, wracked with laughter, aware of Daniel’s angry eyes on him but completely unable to stop himself or give a damn.

“Something I can do for you, Lieutenant?”  Daniel snapped.  Although he was still almost incapacitated with the giggles Jack was just able to raise his head and register a man he vaguely recognized as an admin type from upstairs standing there - mouth and eyes wide - staring at Daniel.  What was he doing down here?

“Wow…” The Lieutenant breathed.  “They weren’t kidding.  Holy shit!  You’re – you're…BLUE!”

“You don’t say!”  Daniel yelled at him.  “You’ve had your peek, now why don’t you get the hell out of here and spread the word all over the base so everyone ELSE who needs a laugh can come in here and STARE at me TOO!”

As the lieutenant beat a hasty retreat Daniel jabbed an angry finger after him.  “You see that!  You see! See!  He wasn’t the first and he sure won’t be the last.  Take a PICTURE, it lasts LONGER!”  he yelled at no one in particular.

Sam breezed in past the swiftly scuttling lieutenant, crossing to Daniel's bedside with a bright, fixed smile on her face.  She gave the chortling colonel sprawled on the bed a non-too-gentle whack on the back of his head as she scolded him.  

“Sir!  Stop that! "  She glared disapproval down at Jack and then turned her back on him in disgust and beamed a sympathetic smile at the simmering blue man also glaring at the colonel.  "How are you doing, Daniel?”  she asked gently.

Daniel smiled gratefully back at her.  “Okay, all things considered.  Once they got all the stuff off me the burning stopped. If you discount being blue, I don't seem to have suffered any adverse effects from my exposure to the irritant.  Janet says my new - colour - isn't permanent, but she doesn’t know how long I am going to be like this.  Technically I can leave if I want to, but…”

Carter nodded sympathetically.  “I can see why you wouldn’t be too anxious to be wandering around at the moment.”

“Did you contact Area 51?” Daniel asked hopefully.

“Yup, and the artifacts they collected from P5N-912?  Well, if it makes you feel any better, you have a lot of company.  Those things were going off all over the place.  Every single artifact was loaded with some kind of powder, liquid or gas that was discharged at the person holding the object when they touched off the release mechanisms. None of the substances were toxic, dangerous or harmful.  Just annoying.  They caused a variety of inconvenient physical reactions like this one."

Daniel's eyes widened as the implications of this piece of information hit home.  "So," he frowned.  "In essence what you're saying is SG-10 uncovered an alien cache of squirting flowers and joy buzzers?"

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way," Sam grimaced and shrugged apologetically.

"Gags and practical jokes?”  Jack guffawed.  "All this time you guys were thinking SG-10 found a museum and what it really was,  was a joke shop!"

Sam swatted him and then turned back to Daniel, a sudden wicked glint in her eye.  “Ah Daniel, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I was just wondering.  Nice shade of blue, by the way  – is it – everywhere?  That is to say, is EVERYTHING… blue?”

Jack could feel Sam’s hand clutching his arm tightly as she awaited Daniel’s answer.

“Yes!”  Daniel snapped angrily.  “Everything!  Happy now?”

“I can vouch for that!” Nurse Clark interjected as she bustled past.  “Hi Daniel.  See you later.”

“Oh, Woad is me!”  Daniel groaned as he fell back in the bed and pulled the sheet over his head.  Sam collapsed onto the floor in a helpless pool of laughter.

“Aw come on, Daniel,” Jack addressed the still, Daniel-shaped pile of bedding in a placating voice.  He was actually starting to feel pretty bad about all of this.  “It was an accident.  You know I didn’t mean…”

“Go away!”  came the petulant response from beneath the sheet.

Teal’c picked that moment to make his entrance.  To Jack's considerable relief.  Talk about timing. Jack had just been wondering where their fourth was, realising he was rapidly losing ground in the 'boosting Daniel's morale' effort, and therefore was in dire need of some back-up.  He was sure he could count on Teal’c for a little assist in raising Daniel's spirits.  It was pretty much a given out of all of them the Jaffa would be the one person who wouldn't laugh at him.

Even though it was also a given Daniel had never been funnier.

“Teal’c” Jack began happily.  “It's about time.  Wanna help me cheer up little boy blue here?”

“I believe I can be of considerable assistance in that regard,” Teal’c replied as he reached Jack’s side.  “DanielJackson,” he said, a little loudly.  “I have returned.”

Daniel threw back the sheet and hurriedly sat back up.  “Teal’c!”  he exclaimed brightly.  “Great!  How did it go?”

“It went very well,” Teal’c replied, never taking his eyes off Jack.  “Your request has been successfully carried out.  You will be happy to know you WILL be avenged.”

Teal’c continued to stare at Jack, holding his eyes.  Slowly, the Jaffa's face began to change.  An enormous grin evolved across his features, spreading them wide into an uncharacteristic, and entirely ominous - smile.  HUGE smile!  He held it there as he backed away from Jack, coming to rest at the head of the bed beside Daniel, where he took up a position with his arms crossed across his chest, the big smile still firmly in place.

Daniel looked pretty happy himself.  Damned happy.  Positively smug.  Jack began to wonder why the sudden sight of such unexpected happiness from the previously blue and unrelentingly petulant was starting to make him feel extremely nervous.

Maybe he'd been looking to the wrong team member for support. 

"Carter?  Help me out here?"  

He turned  to his 21C only to discover she was now LYING on the floor in a giggling ball, hugging herself as she laughed with unrestrained abandon bordering on the hysterical.  

No joy there.  Jack was on his own.

“Perhaps you should go and locate Doctor Frasier,” Teal’c boomed.  “Major Carter looks as if she is in need of assistance.”

“Ah, maybe I’ll just - do that - little thing.  Or something.” Jack started to back away, beginning to feel decidedly – menaced.

“Oh, Jack,” Daniel said quietly, a satisfied smile on his face.  “When you least expect it – “

“Expect it,” Teal’c finished, in a voice sounding like the last trump of judgment.

Jack gestured weakly toward the exit. “I think I hear my mommy calling," he gulped before bolting from the room, looking back over his shoulder while exiting stage right.

Teal’c turned to Daniel and nodded.  “You were correct, DanielJackson.  That was very enjoyable.  I did not have to do anything at all, just say that I did.”

“Yeah.”  Daniel grinned back at him.  “You know that and I know that, but he’ll go nuts waiting for something to happen that is never going to happen.  That is, until we let him off the hook.  Whenever.  No rush.  Let him stew for a while.  We’ll just see who gets the last laugh!”

FINIS