Chapter 1:
Lost And Found

Jack couldn't comprehend the force of his anger. Jackson wanted to stay. A child could figure out why the linguist was ready, even eager, to throw away everything and everyone he knew. The girl - Sha'uri - was just a symbol of it. Connection. That was what Jackson was looking for, what he was so mistakenly thinking he'd found with these people. The man believed he had nothing to go back to.

Hadn't Jack been on this very same knife-edge until just a few hours before? He and Jackson were in the same space. Or so he'd thought.

Why did it enrage him so much Jackson was willing to give up, to stay behind, even after Jack had made his choice, or had it forced on him, made the stand that moved him forward? Back into life. Into the raw acceptance of his hateful ongoing existence. Jackson had pushed him to take that stand, had been there with him, had made the choice with him. Now, Jackson wanted to be left here, abandoned, dead to the world that knew him. Staying here with these people was as final a choice as any death, an isolated, living death Jackson could regret in a day or a week or a year. The only thing Jack was sure of was Daniel Jackson was too intimate a part of this to be let go. He could no more give up on Jackson than Jackson had been able to give up on him.

All Jack had to do for Jackson was walk away from him and lie with conviction. Bury the Stargate and Jackson behind him forever. He'd done far worse in his time than lie to his superiors and he'd done it for far less cause. Jackson had saved his men, saved him. Given him back his life and some semblance of purpose. The man had earned this from him.

He even had his line picked out, a parting shot glib enough Jackson couldn't be too certain of him, had rehearsed it in his head until he was sure it would roll smoothly from his tongue, not even knowing why it mattered so much he would leave Jackson thinking about him, stewing over what Jack O'Neill meant, not this shabby, dangerous new life he craved.

I'll be seeing you around, Dr. Jackson.

Except Dr. Jackson had become Daniel, had just connected with him in the best way, the only way that mattered. Connection? At a time when nothing and no one touched him?

I'll be seeing you around, Dr. Jackson.

The words were choking him.

What the hell was he thinking? What was wrong with him, for chrissake? He had a wife to go home to. How had Daniel become a man he could not bring himself to leave?

He needed to. He should want to. Daniel had seen him at his worst, naked and hurting. A beaten, self-destructive loser a breath away from eating his own gun, wanting to die and cold enough to take everyone with him. He shouldn't be able to bear seeing himself reflected in those wide, candid eyes, but Daniel was the only thing he didn't flinch from.

Looking into Jack, Daniel knew everything. And yet Jack still wanted…needed…

He couldn't begin to understand how he'd let this happen, how or why or when his defences had crumbled. If he was losing or finding his way.

He did know when he left here he was taking Daniel Jackson with him. It was all he knew.

Daniel had earned the right to stay. He was trying not to ask it of Jack, stating his determination quietly, as if it was a matter of fact, taking responsibility for his life so Jack didn't have to break his orders. He deserved to be allowed to make his choice, deserved Jack’s respect for his decision.

It wasn't going to happen. Jack knew it wasn't.

His mind kept skittering away from what Sara would make of Daniel when he took him home. It only added to his confusion he was able to picture Daniel there.

He'd learned early in his career, learned in the hardest possible way to keep who he was and what he did strictly separated. Nothing and no one had made him break his self-imposed segregation. Not even his wife and her desire to be a part of everything. He'd never imagined anything could. Working out how to take Daniel across that line with him, the mere fact he was even considering it, was enough to tell him he wasn't going to be able to walk away and leave Daniel Jackson behind.

The concrete reality of his inexplicable determination not to part from this young man he barely knew and had only his own pain in common with, scared him more than anything, and still, he couldn't let go.

"Better say your goodbyes," he ordered tersely. Daniel glanced back over his shoulder, Sha'uri's blinding smile faltering for the first time as she looked up at Jack's face. Her own became shadowed and wary, as it always seemed to be when Jack called on her Daniel's attention.

"Jack?" Daniel queried, puzzled but still trusting.

Jack acknowledged to himself Daniel had some justification for trust.

Wait for me.

Jack had waited. How could he not? They'd connected in the way only truly experienced in combat. Or - No. No. The intensity was different. This wasn't about a too-pretty face or a path Jack had turned from long ago. He wasn't that confused. Somehow, Daniel knew what Jack was thinking, feeling, didn't need words. The wordless communication, the connection was stronger than anything Jack had felt before, for sure, but it wasn't that. He was married, for God's sake. Daniel was reaching him, was all. Touching him in a way he wasn't used to.

Maybe he should stop fucking thinking and get his people out of here.

"Did you tell Kasuf to bury the gate?" he asked Daniel directly, wincing inwardly at the quick, relieved nod he received, Daniel's assumption he now understood what Jack’s problem was. "He understands?"

"He'll bury the gate as soon as you take your men through, Jack," Daniel assured him.

Clamped to Daniel's hand like an anchor, Sha'uri's watchful eyes never left Jack's face.

Jack turned to Kawalsky. "Move out," he ordered sharply, nodding at the active Stargate behind them. Kawalsky murmured his acknowledgement and headed over to the Stargate, rapidly directing Tech Sergeant Brown to take point and Captain Ferretti to follow him through. Three guys. All who were left of Jack's men.

"Daniel." Jack slung his MP-5 harness across his shoulder, trying to avoid looking Daniel in the eyes. "Let's go."

Daniel gaped at him, stunned and disbelieving at Jack's curt, unmistakeable order.

"It’s not safe for you to stay. Not for you, not for them," Jack said coldly. Daniel didn't move an inch. Jack stepped up close, crowding him, a smile twisting his lips as Daniel stubbornly refused to budge, his chin tilting proudly. Jack couldn't even remember the last man who didn't flinch when he saw Jack O'Neill coming. This was the boy he’d tried to write off as a dweeb. He must have been out of his mind.

It struck him then this was too close to the truth.

It sobered Jack, angered him. He was afraid for himself. Of himself. It seemed only with this man could he feel anything. Fear moved him now to take Daniel's arm, a hard grip but not hurting, to efficiently break Sha'uri from Daniel and pull him insistently towards the Stargate. A murmur of dismay rose from the people gathered close around them, Sha'uri and Skaara at the head of the now restlessly surging crowd, their unintelligible voices quick and anxious.

"Jack!" Daniel protested, trying to tug free, hardly able to believe Jack meant to drag him ignominiously back through the gate.

"O'Neyer!" Skaara called out, his shocked face working with too many emotions too close to the surface, a steadying arm clasping tight around Sha'uri.

"You don't understand," Daniel argued urgently, seeing Jack flinch from Skaara’s urgent eyes and recover instantly. Daniel had no idea what it meant for Sha’uri if she lost him now. He'd kissed her, dammit! Spent the night in privacy behind that curtain, talking with her. She could be dishonoured in the eyes of her people, losing her husband like this. Her husband. He didn't even know what it meant for him, except he needed to stay. "Jack! For God's sake, listen!" he cried, pulling determinedly away.

Jack shot a look to Kawalsky for help. It left him feeling ashamed, maybe Kawalsky too, but the major sucked it up and ran forward to help Jack lead Daniel to the Stargate. Drag. Jack ignored the way Daniel hung resistant from their hands, his whole body yearning as he strained desperately back to stare at Sha'uri, who was calling after him, her voice shrill with panic.

"They'll send another bomb, Daniel," Jack snapped, despising himself just a little more.

Daniel froze, shooting a harsh, questioning look at Jack. He turned impulsively to Kawalsky, mouth already open to spill out some naïve, idealistic protest.

"They won't take the risk, Daniel," Kawalsky told him, eyes filled with infinite regret. "And we have our orders."

"We tell West we blew the Stargate exactly as ordered," Jack decided rapidly. "These people have to die, Daniel. They represent a risk the USAF will not be willing to ignore. The first question the brass will ask is are there more aliens like Ra out here. It's not a question we can answer. So, if West finds out they're alive, he'll send through a bomb. He'll make sure. Unless?" He left it for Daniel's quick mind to fill in the necessary blanks.

"Unless they're already dead," Daniel acknowledged. Eyes devastated, he slumped exhausted between the two adamant soldiers, all the fight going out of him as reality hammered home.

Their gripping hands on him were all at once supporting, roughly comforting. The least they could do. All Jack would do until he had Daniel safely home.

"You're too important to the project," Jack plausibly lied with a truth. "I couldn't explain losing you. My orders."

Kawalsky's sudden nervous shift handily lent weight to the unspoken implication Jack had been ordered to protect the geek at all costs. Kawalsky didn't know the full extent of Jack's orders but he did know Jack. He sensed something was off here, way off, but he was too good a soldier not to back Jack's play.

Daniel froze before the shimmering light, looking back once, all the indulgence he allowed himself.

Out of the roar of distress and betrayal, Sha'uri's despairing cry followed them into the Stargate.

"Danyel!"

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